Beirut

So I told you that I am not as good about this blog. I am not sure why. I'm just not. I never know what to write. Facts, feeling, stories, ideas, opinions...

I never really thought this trip to Beirut would happen. It couldn't have come at a better or worse time. I personally needed the break. The last week I was in Berlin proved that I needed it on every single level. Professionally, emotionally, mentally, relationally. I said that on the other blog today, but I realize it more today than I have. I am wound up. I am not myself. I am turned around. I am questioning myself and my actions constantly and for some strange reason, allowing the way other people respond to me affect my confidence in my decisions. I need space. I need to re-center. I need to calm down, to breath deep, to step back, to laugh, to not care, to take things less seriously, and give myself seriously to the things that really matter and let go of the things that don't.

I look at this country and I see a country that matters. This tiny space. Smaller than Connecticut. Sunnis, Shiites, Orthodox, Catholic, Palestinian, Syrian, Saudi, American, European... a country full of people and lacking peace. There is no logic in war. As David and I walked the former Green Line (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Green_Line_(Lebanon)) we lamented the loss of such an incredibly beautiful city. Jamie and I walked along Rue Hamra yesterday and she showed me places that were so familiar to me that had been in the center of the fighting last May. We walked around the Hariri memorial and I stared at once beautiful buildings looking like the old, abandon, worn down buildings I saw 10 years ago here that had never been repaired from the civil war in the 80's. This tiny country, so much civil unrest.

I woke up last night for the first time to the call to prayer. For those of you who have never spent any time in a largely Muslim country, the call to prayer is played 5 times a day to ... call people to prayer. I heard the melodic, distinctly middle eastern song of the call to prayer blasting from the mosque behind us at 4 this morning. When I finally got up at 7 I went into the living room to the rowdy sounds of the street below. People yelling morning greetings back and forth, cars racing by and honking, mopeds avoiding getting hit, horns, so many car horns and the intermittent sirens of police cars and ambulance. It is not quite but the chaos of the middle east lulls me into a bit of peace.

I have to admit I am tired and my mind is not what it could be, but I know that as I am falling asleep and as I am waking up I am reeling from the thought, "How can I help? What can I do?" We ate dinner last night at this place that is rebuilt to mimic and old Lebanese village, it's run by the ruling party here. H*zb%llah. As we finished dinner this large group of beautifully dressed men, with dark hair and short, perfectly groomed beards walked past with a large group of body guards with walky talkies. The truth is that they are the group that keeps this city safe, the second truth is what John said as we left the restaurant, "The only time I am ever nervous in this country is when I see a group like that, because if they have that kind of security, there is somebody, somewhere who wants them dead... and I don't really want to be in the vicinity when they decide to act." I realized those are not really things I have to think through living in Berlin. It was a sobering moment for me. This is a complex world we live in.

Thanks for keeping up. Hope you enjoy the pictures. Here's a little key. I'll try to update this again around Sunday when there are more stories and pictures to share.

Top Picture - a renovated building contrasting a bomb damaged one in downtown.

Middle - the Holiday Inn on the Green Line where all the US soldiers were held hostage in the 80's, also considered the "top of the hill" when anyone overtakes the city due to it's height and visibility - it is the ultimate place for prime sniper coverage

Last Picture - the location at the beginning of Hamra where Hariri was killed. The three flags are Lebanese and meant to form a shape of a flame, the contrast of the destruction against a renovated down town is overwhelming.