Berlin, Boston, ADHD and the Reasons Behind it All

So I realized that for the most part I assume that if you are reading this you get my emails. You know what's happening. You are aware of the situation. So, since it has come to my attention that you are not in fact all on my update list, I've decided to give a little 411 here.

I moved to Berlin in February of 2007 to work with Antioch Berlin. I like to tell people that the moving experience was like driving at 100 mph into a brick wall. You go from 90 to nothing. Cell phone ringing constantly, appointments, people, running into people you know, lots of hugs, full days and nights to absolute silence, still and the deafening sound of the phone not ringing. When class was over on Friday it was a long, long journey to Monday. I can remember thinking that I was so FICKLE - when I was in Waco all I wanted was a minute alone, and now I had more than I could handle and I was really unhappy.

The truth is, it was hard. It was going to be. And no one could have told me. I wouldn't have listened anyway. I made two incredible friends in language school that made my life bearable and more than that - enjoyable. Hannah, who I spent any free moment with and laughed all the time. And when she left me to return to the Great Island, Britain sent me another of their finest, Tori. Tori is to date, one of the most incredible friends I have ever had in my life. I respect and admire her more than she knows. As for Hannah - though she left, I stalk her on Facebook and she actually sent me one of the most encouraging supportive emails I have received in this process. I am so truly blessed, and I love England for her generosity!!!!

Without offering too much detail - the work situation was difficult from the beginning. I hate when people write shit like this and then leave me with more questions than I started with. SO let me tell you - there is fault on all sides. We were a team of humans, working for God, trying to change the world, and affecting each other with all of our fears, faults and failures.

In the midst of this, the financial crisis hit. The dollar was SUPER weak against the Euro and I began to really struggle financially. I am already REALLY REALLY REALLY bad at finances. Like had to dig myself out of $10,000 of debt - no not credit card, from writing hot checks. If it wasn't for a woman named Cindy that I worked with, I would have gone to jail... more than the times that I did for warrants issued for my arrest for checks that I had written. (3 times) When I left for Germany I had pretty strong support and it's not even that my support was impacted so drastically, but the economy killed me and I didn't really know how to compensate for it. That combined with the fact that I had no idea how to really manage my finances I spent most of my time in Germany doggy paddling to survive. Anytime I lost support or the dollar got really weak, I would be in serious trouble. I should have realized that I needed more help than I realized, and I should have asked for it - but I didn't and a couple of unexpected and difficult situations pretty much crashed me.

As well, I was having a REALLY hard time with the language. Like - REALLY hard time. Like inexplicably hard. And I feel like a smart girl... But I just wasn't getting it. I spent a year and a half in language school and picked up a 5 year old mastery of the language. VERY humbling.

I also was not really coping with stress well. Like reacting pretty inappropriately to life, and the people it contained. I frequently tell people that they needed to know that relationship with me should be viewed through a benefit outweighing the cost kind of thing, but that they needed to know the cost would be great. And it was.

I called home crying a lot. I missed my family. More than I ever expected. So much more.

Then, my roommate Sarah wrote me a very serious letter, it was loving and kind and gentle. She recommended I consider being tested for ADHD. The situation we were in with work and life was difficult and taxing, but she noticed a consistent pattern in my life of nothing going right no matter how hard I tried. She sensed that I was spending a lot more energy to get a lot less done than the average person. Which was interesting, because I felt that way too - like since I was able to put together coherent thought.

In April, our team split. The reasons are not important for this blog post, but they are also not unitarily agreed upon - so in an effort to honor everyone involved, I will just say that the fact that we cannot even agree on why we split is an indicator of how it all went. It was unbelievably painful for every single person involved, and heart breaking in light of how it affected the people that we worked for.

I really pressed into my friends. Really. I had made an incredible group of friends that were the absolute joy of my life. They are kind, funny, generous, nurturing, pragmatic, honest and a total and complete GIFT. I felt like I spent my life with them feeling like the wind was at my back. Unfortunately, as it is in life, when things are not right internally in us, there is no relationship, circumstance or person that can fix us. And it became clear that I needed some help.

Help? I needed to check on the ADHD thing. I needed to get the ability to live as an adult and manage my money in even the most basic way into line - especially living off of support. I needed to honor the generosity of the people giving up their money every month for me. I needed to deal with the hurt and dissapointment I was feeling about the way things happened with work. I needed to get some help responding to life in an appropriate way, not constantly with the same tension and sharpness of a rubber band pulled to its limit. To be honest, in the end it felt like life was imploding and I could NOT help myself.

Let me say, realizing that this meant I probably needed to leave Berlin to get help, kept me from doing what needed to be done much longer than it should have. I love my life there. I love the city. I love the work that we are doing there. I get so excited about the thought of loving the people there, empowering them to change the world, and seeing a church that's relevant to the culture established there. However, I realize that I need to be healthy - holistically healthy to do that. As well, I need to honor the money that people are giving me to invest in the right way into that culture.

It was a heart breaking and difficult decision, but I decided to leave indefinitely. The indefinite is due to the fact that you cannot put a time frame on rest and restoration. Which is what the goal of this time is. I saw a Psycholigist (PhD - Harvard) last Friday and he said it looks like I have a combined case of ADHD. Inattentive and Hyperactive. I am apparently a pretty classic case (I hate being average) and the short fuse, the financial and administrative failure, the difficulty with school and learning, the constant sense that I have some endless source of energy, and the ultimate inability to continue making it are pretty par for the course. YUCK! I will continue with comprehensive tests through August and should have a clear diagnosis no later than the first week of September.

I came home at just the right time, because I for sure had the smallest paycheck I have ever gotten in my career with AMI and I certainly would not have been able to make it in Berlin with the exchange rate such as it is. Also, because currently this testing is Psychological and not medical (until I get a clear and medically verified diagnosis) insurance is not covering my testing. If I am in fact in the end diagnosed with ADHD then I can go back to insurance and try to get reimbursed. So for now it is out of pocket, and as is made clear by the above paragraphs, this is crippling. Only compouned by the fact that I am behind financially as it is.

Boston. Why Boston? I have family here. My cousin, who is also one of my best friends, has let me land safely at her house. I am currently looking for a family to move in with. The Dr that I initially consulted with about ADHD was here... As well, there is an AMI church plant here that I can work with and who can help carry and care for me while I am trying to re-learn how to live life in a healthy way. Clearly, a diagnosis of ADHD brings some things into perspective, but it doesn't change years and years of learned unhealthy patterns. I will need lots of help learning to handle life in the right way. Also, as my dear friends Noel and Amy like to say, I am about the worst person in the world at taking care of myself. So I need some help learning to do that too. I think the root issue there, is learning to be OK with who I am, how I am, where I am. That is going to take MUCH more than an ADHD diagnosis. So I am here to try to get some help with that as well. I think that CFCF is the exact right place for that.

So I am here. I am definitely struggling. I met with Sean, who is technically my boss, yesterday and he told me he wasn't going to allow me to launch into ministry just so I would have an identity. He wants me to rest, get restored, meet with people, get the treatment and counseling that I need and also allow myself to re-learn life in a holistically healthy way. It was hard to hear, but right.

So here we go. For those of you who have wondered about the cryptically emotional blog posts or the lack of words on Blip lately... I hope this offers a bit of clarity. I think also, it has been hard to admit my failures. Both emotionally and financially. I feel like those two things have been cyclical issues that I have faced for most of my life. Sure, some of it can be given grace because of my upbringing, some of it can be understood in light of a late diagnosis of ADHD, but in reality, there is a lot of it that is there because of my refusal to deal with my own shit. My refusal to ask for help, my refusal to to be open about my failure, and my own insecurity about how I would be viewed - as if anyone is as obsessed with my own life as I am...

What am I doing here? Meeting with Dr. Stone and trying to figure out the ADHD stuff. I am doing whatever I can to help at CFCF - cleaning out attics, setting up church, things that don't involve emotional or spiritual output. My first real break since 1991. It is lots harder than I thought. I am meeting with a counselor at Park Street Church, who is independent of my community here - which I think is really important. I am meeting with a couple here, Jeff and Sarah, who have offered to meet with me once a week and help me process my experience in Berlin. And I am getting time with as many peers as possible. Talking, laughing, processing and trying to get some rest and restoration for my soul. It is essentially a combined furlough and treatment for burnout. I am remaining on support for now, but because of my financial situation I am really needing to supplement my income with a part time job so I am looking at those also.

For those of you who have contacted me to no response. I am trying to get better about responding, but I have needed a little space to breathe and grieve. I love you guys and feel so honored by your concern, I have simply not known what to say and have a high value for transparency, but a low capacity for emotional communication... So as you have written and asked questions, I have wanted to be able to offer you the truth, but have been unsure of how to do that. So this is my best offering. I hope it has provided answers to some of the questions that you have. If you have more PLEASE feel free to write and ask them, I am far more capable of answering specific questions once you have the background! Also, please know that your words, thoughts, prayers and concerns have been invaluable to me. THANK YOU.

And to be clear. I am still on financial support. For now. If you are a supporter and really intended your money to go completely to my work in Berlin and with the German people, for now, that will not be happening, and I totally understand if you feel compelled to offer your money to something more in line with that. If you need some suggestions, I am so happy to help you figure out how you can re-direct that money. If you read this and would like to contribute in some way toward this stage and process of my life - I can tell you how to do that also, just contact me directly or contact AMI - 254-754-0386. If you have thoughts or advice about any of the above information PLEASE CONTACT ME. I will take all the advice, correction, direction etc that I can get!

Thanks for reading along with my journey. I am really, really glad that you are here.