I've Loved You So Long

I just made my bed with sheets that my Aunt brought from home. I cried making my bed... It was such a familiar comfortable smell, like when I've been gone a long time and I walk into my room and she's turned the light on and made everything ready for me and I crawl in and I am home, and absolutely safe. I want to sink into this smell and stay here forever.

When they were here this weekend we talked about the future. We talked with Jess about how she want to help her students, many of whom have criminal records or are struggling terribly to make ends meet, but she doesn't know where to start... They need affordable housing, child care, affordable transportation... I thought about the man that we saw getting arrested in front of Target last week and how everyone was staring and the cops were joking and I remembered being having my body searched and being hosed down the first time I got arrested - the humiliation, the sense of hopelessness and the realization that for the rest of my life, that would be on my record. I hurt for that man outside of Target, because unlike me, he has even more going against him, if not simply for the fact that Ken and Marla are not on his side. I remember when the Sheriff came to my office and told my boss that there was a warrant for about a cabillion bad checks and that they would need to be paid or he would need to take me in, and my boss worked with and for me... and for the next two years I worked ten extra hours a week to pay her back. Normal people don't get second chances, much less the second, third and fourth chances that I have gotten - and still somehow I can feel like things are stacked against me, or even that I do a great job ruining a free gift. When the bible talks about working out our faith with fear and trembling I think often that it has nothing to do with my confidence in Him, but more in my ability to accept and LIVE fully in the free gift of sanctification I say I believe in.

I've been thinking a lot about redemption lately. A lot. Because I am in desperate need of some lately. But also because in my moments of weakness I am thinking a lot about how much of a support network I have, how much grace I have been given, what a soft spot I have found to land, the safety and unconditional love I have found in my family. That "we're here for you" was one of the last things whispered in my ear before I left them at the airport last night... They know me, and they love me, like they REALLY know me, and they love me. I wish that every single person that find themselves in a mess like I am finding myself in could find such safety and support. Not to mention the church body I have surrounding me, the network of decades long friends... My cup more than overflows.

So in the midst of such a trial. In the midst of clawing myself out of this hole. In the midst of trying to figure out what's going on with my head. In the midst of trying to understand how much of what's falling apart is me, circumstance, Providence, or bad decisions I am thinking about how much my heart breaks for the abandon and the lonely who are facing far worse or much darker crisis. How can I help them. Seriously.

I watched this movie tonight, I've Loved You So Long. It's french. The main character has just been released from prison - she served 15 years for murdering her son. She goes to stay with her sister and it is the unfolding of that story. I was shocked by how much I related with the main character. Her process of getting a job, re-entering society... When we are living with a sense of shame, it feels so relateable. The difference is I have my family, faith, my community, counselors, testing, and HOPE. Most people don't.

How can we help them? Seriously. I am dreaming of how we can do this. Abused people, criminals, the poor, the needy, the down and out, the homeless... People who ache to be educated but have to work and can't afford school. Single mothers of non-school age children who can't afford day care, don't have family and want to work and not live on welfare. Widows. Older orphans. How do we help? Practically?

Redemption. I want to be a person who is passionate about Redemption and believing in redemption. I am going to have to work on it. My lazy nature can get the best of me. And how do I start to help. Like in a realistic way? I want to. I want to help people, I just need to figure out how.