Life is a Process - dealing with the potential of ADD/ADHD

So I realize that this is the kind of stuff that people don't really talk about. I need to say that I am not really sure what to say or what to share, but I figure I'll just bring you in, and let you journey with me as I get closer to being diagnosed.

So I've had a bunch of appointments... You guys probably wonder what that means. Well let me clarify. I am meeting (as I've said before) with a few different people. One is a couple that's talking me through the Berlin experience. One is a counselor that works out of a church in town that is meeting with me as outside perspective and as he describes it, "A safe place to honestly vent." He has been a dream. I call Waco once a week and check in with Vicki, who has been counseling me for the last decade. As well, I talk to William and Sheila in Berlin weekly (that's the goal, we didn't make it this week.) Needless to say, I feel a bit like an over-stimulated child. For those of you that are really perceptive, you are right, I did not even mention Dr. Stone who is doing my ADD/ADHD testing.

So let's talk about that. It's hysterical. I feel like a kindergartner. He says words and I tell him what they mean. He says names or art and I tell him what they are (if I know - definitely missed the lady who invented penicillin - I mean, we don't even use it anymore.) He says numbers in increasing speed and I add the last two together. He shows me pictures of blocks and I try to replicate them. He taps blocks and I am supposed to tap them too, only backward. He tells me stories and shows me pictures, takes me through different activities and asks me to recite them or recognize them an hour later. Eeek. We talked for a long, long time about my past and process. My Dad wrote him a long letter and sent some of my tests from when I was younger. And that's an overview.

This week, I met the Dr. to drop off a check (hard swallow - this is not inexpensive testing - BIG EEK) and we visited for a bit. We talked about who in our lives should have a significant influence or voice and who shouldn't. We talked about one of the opportunities that has been afforded to Dr. Stone in meeting with me over a longer amount of time instead of quickly. One of the things that he said was that he could see how trying to function practically with the way my brain works must be horrible, especially working with people and hating how my seeming inability to cope with practical life must affect them. He re-affirmed that coming home was the absolute right thing to do. Then he told me the harder news. He's not ready to issue the final diagnosis, but that the hard thing is that ADHD in my instance will probably be lifelong. For a while we've been talking about the hope that 2 years of medication would kind of click things into place, but he seems to think that we're looking at a bit more of a long term issue. As I broke down crying (the first time in any of our meetings) he assured me that there is some hope. That we are going to do about four more hours of testing and then we are going to get about the business of coping with the diagnosis.

It hit me a little harder than I thought. For a couple of reasons. I feel like most people go to their general practicioner and tell them they are distracted and get Aderall and then they talk about how much better their life is. Of course those people have generally not made the mess of their lives that I have. I go to this Harvard PhD who affirms for me how jacked my brain is and keeps promising me long years of hard work to learn to adapt and cope in a healthy and helpful way. He did also look at me with heartfelt care and tell me that I have so much potential and that there is hope. And then reassured me one more time it was so right that I came back to face this.

So that's where we stand today. The reality sinking in. My eyes have stayed moist. Pastor Varrengia told me today that as reality sinks in it will feel more emotional but that as that happens, I will get to a place where I can cope with my new reality and move forward from that place. "Chin up" right? I am not sure why there was some silly part of me that wanted Dr. Stone to say, you're being dramatic and irresponsible and you need to shape up and stop being lazy and work harder; There's nothing wrong with you. For some reason, there's something really wrong with you felt a bit harder to swallow. And to have a professional validate that they can see why things feel horrible... was both comforting and equally so painfully difficult.

So that's where we are. Next appointment Tuesday. I'll keep you updated. Here's the moral of the story. If you have a child or a teenager - OR ADULT - GO GET THEM TESTED. It's not worth it to wait. SOONER IS BETTER. If you are not sure go to the American Psychological Association Website here is their page on ADHD. This sight was also really helpful. Of course, all people have some issues paying attention or getting distracted, but look at life cues... Emotional over-reaction, financial issues, increasing inability to stay "on top" of things. Let's work to take the stigma out of these kinds of discorders and help the people in our lives get the help that they need as quickly as possible.

Thanks for reading along.