Cricket in Berlin - The End of an Era

FINAL POST

2009-10-01T18:45:00.002+02:00

OK this is it.

Here's the fun blog - www.stephjohnson.wordpress.com
Here's the private blog - www.stephljohnson.wordpress.com

I am taking this blog down this weekend. If you want to read the private blog, post a comment or shoot me an email! Thanks for following. The best is yet to come!!!

It Is Done

2009-09-24T20:13:00.001+02:00

The new blog is up and running... we're moving over.

RAINY DAY PARADES

Blog Thoughts

2009-09-24T19:05:00.003+02:00

So, I am working on my budget and waiting on some info from my home office regarding a couple major pieces to plug in before I am done... So I thought I would do a little updating.

Here's the deal. I got a note from my family, who are always looking out for my best interest, often more than I am... and they encouraged me to think through the Blog and what I am posting on it. This suggestion did not surprise me for - for multiple reasons. One - they have a point, it's not always best when applying for a job to have that kind of info on line (let's be honest though, it's generally stuff that I would share anyway if not up front - eventually, and I probably wouldn't want to work for someone who wouldn't be OK with it if they knew it.) Two - They are a different generation, and though they seem to read the Blog I am not sure how much they love the philosophy of posting anything about your personal life online for the free world to read. Not to say a lot of people in my generation are, but it's more common and socially acceptable for sure. 3 - It's just not at all their style.

So one of the bits of perspective they offered was that if I thought it was therapeutic for me, I should talk to my therapist and see what they thought. Well, I don't really do it because I find it therapeutic, not to say that it isn't - perhaps it is, but I do have a private blog that I write much more intimate and different stuff on and that one is my more therapeutic and abstract and creative one... This one I have kind of seen as the one bringing people along with me and letting them know my process and for those of you that it has spoken to, kind of using it as a place to say if I can do it, you can do it. It's clear that I have struggled the whole time with what my voice should be here... I get consistent reminders from home that this is public, our family reads it etc. And to be honest, I really hate that I have to write with that consideration in mind. I've stated that before. If you don't want to read this, don't. However, they have a point and so I find myself kind of steered by that.

I am also steered by the emails that I get from you guys telling me how much something I shared meant to you. How much my honesty has liberated you or made you feel like something you've kept secret and hidden didn't need to remain in the shadows. THAT IS WHY I WRITE HERE - I want people to not feel alone. I want to help people who have felt the same anxiety, panic and fear as me that maybe we have screwed our lives up beyond repair, or that we are alone, or simply the occasional reminder that the world is an incredibly funny place.

So, my therapist suggested a happy medium. This blog was originally called Cricket in Berlin. I am no longer in Berlin, and I am not sure when I will head back, but for sure this stage of my life is over. At the end of this week I will take this Blog completely private. That way I will not lose the writing, and if someone wants access to something on it, like the ADHD post or the Marathon post which are hands down the two most read and commented on - and two I might consider re-posting in a different location - you can ask for an invitation and I will send it to you, but then I will have control who has access to the information.

THEN I will create one public blog. There I will post my photos, adventures, musings, music, links etc. I will also edit my private blog, re-post the edited version and maintain it with my more personal musings and anyone who is interested in reading that one can contact me and I'll send you an invitation. That way there is some control over who is reading that, and I do not have to cater to a reading audience, anyone who asks for an invitation to that one knows what they are getting into. Seems like a good idea to me.

I want to continue to develop my writing, and the ability to write in the moment and be totally forthright feels crucial to me - but at some level, my family is right, that is not something that the WWW should have the honor or possibility to read.

So there you go. That's the big news. And there are some people in Austin, TX breathing a big sigh of relief right now.

Back to my budget. Shoot me now.

Life is a Process - dealing with the potential of ADD/ADHD

2009-09-18T21:02:00.003+02:00

So I realize that this is the kind of stuff that people don't really talk about. I need to say that I am not really sure what to say or what to share, but I figure I'll just bring you in, and let you journey with me as I get closer to being diagnosed.

So I've had a bunch of appointments... You guys probably wonder what that means. Well let me clarify. I am meeting (as I've said before) with a few different people. One is a couple that's talking me through the Berlin experience. One is a counselor that works out of a church in town that is meeting with me as outside perspective and as he describes it, "A safe place to honestly vent." He has been a dream. I call Waco once a week and check in with Vicki, who has been counseling me for the last decade. As well, I talk to William and Sheila in Berlin weekly (that's the goal, we didn't make it this week.) Needless to say, I feel a bit like an over-stimulated child. For those of you that are really perceptive, you are right, I did not even mention Dr. Stone who is doing my ADD/ADHD testing.

So let's talk about that. It's hysterical. I feel like a kindergartner. He says words and I tell him what they mean. He says names or art and I tell him what they are (if I know - definitely missed the lady who invented penicillin - I mean, we don't even use it anymore.) He says numbers in increasing speed and I add the last two together. He shows me pictures of blocks and I try to replicate them. He taps blocks and I am supposed to tap them too, only backward. He tells me stories and shows me pictures, takes me through different activities and asks me to recite them or recognize them an hour later. Eeek. We talked for a long, long time about my past and process. My Dad wrote him a long letter and sent some of my tests from when I was younger. And that's an overview.

This week, I met the Dr. to drop off a check (hard swallow - this is not inexpensive testing - BIG EEK) and we visited for a bit. We talked about who in our lives should have a significant influence or voice and who shouldn't. We talked about one of the opportunities that has been afforded to Dr. Stone in meeting with me over a longer amount of time instead of quickly. One of the things that he said was that he could see how trying to function practically with the way my brain works must be horrible, especially working with people and hating how my seeming inability to cope with practical life must affect them. He re-affirmed that coming home was the absolute right thing to do. Then he told me the harder news. He's not ready to issue the final diagnosis, but that the hard thing is that ADHD in my instance will probably be lifelong. For a while we've been talking about the hope that 2 years of medication would kind of click things into place, but he seems to think that we're looking at a bit more of a long term issue. As I broke down crying (the first time in any of our meetings) he assured me that there is some hope. That we are going to do about four more hours of testing and then we are going to get about the business of coping with the diagnosis.

It hit me a little harder than I thought. For a couple of reasons. I feel like most people go to their general practicioner and tell them they are distracted and get Aderall and then they talk about how much better their life is. Of course those people have generally not made the mess of their lives that I have. I go to this Harvard PhD who affirms for me how jacked my brain is and keeps promising me long years of hard work to learn to adapt and cope in a healthy and helpful way. He did also look at me with heartfelt care and tell me that I have so much potential and that there is hope. And then reassured me one more time it was so right that I came back to face this.

So that's where we stand today. The reality sinking in. My eyes have stayed moist. Pastor Varrengia told me today that as reality sinks in it will feel more emotional but that as that happens, I will get to a place where I can cope with my new reality and move forward from that place. "Chin up" right? I am not sure why there was some silly part of me that wanted Dr. Stone to say, you're being dramatic and irresponsible and you need to shape up and stop being lazy and work harder; There's nothing wrong with you. For some reason, there's something really wrong with you felt a bit harder to swallow. And to have a professional validate that they can see why things feel horrible... was both comforting and equally so painfully difficult.

So that's where we are. Next appointment Tuesday. I'll keep you updated. Here's the moral of the story. If you have a child or a teenager - OR ADULT - GO GET THEM TESTED. It's not worth it to wait. SOONER IS BETTER. If you are not sure go to the American Psychological Association Website here is their page on ADHD. This sight was also really helpful. Of course, all people have some issues paying attention or getting distracted, but look at life cues... Emotional over-reaction, financial issues, increasing inability to stay "on top" of things. Let's work to take the stigma out of these kinds of discorders and help the people in our lives get the help that they need as quickly as possible.

Thanks for reading along.

Retraction

2009-09-17T04:20:00.002+02:00

My Uncle brought to my attention that unless I am a dreadlocked limo driver I did not, in fact, leave my Aunt and Uncle at the airport but instead, at the Hilton Back Bay. That's what I get for late night blogging.

I've Loved You So Long

2009-09-15T06:51:00.002+02:00

I just made my bed with sheets that my Aunt brought from home. I cried making my bed... It was such a familiar comfortable smell, like when I've been gone a long time and I walk into my room and she's turned the light on and made everything ready for me and I crawl in and I am home, and absolutely safe. I want to sink into this smell and stay here forever.

When they were here this weekend we talked about the future. We talked with Jess about how she want to help her students, many of whom have criminal records or are struggling terribly to make ends meet, but she doesn't know where to start... They need affordable housing, child care, affordable transportation... I thought about the man that we saw getting arrested in front of Target last week and how everyone was staring and the cops were joking and I remembered being having my body searched and being hosed down the first time I got arrested - the humiliation, the sense of hopelessness and the realization that for the rest of my life, that would be on my record. I hurt for that man outside of Target, because unlike me, he has even more going against him, if not simply for the fact that Ken and Marla are not on his side. I remember when the Sheriff came to my office and told my boss that there was a warrant for about a cabillion bad checks and that they would need to be paid or he would need to take me in, and my boss worked with and for me... and for the next two years I worked ten extra hours a week to pay her back. Normal people don't get second chances, much less the second, third and fourth chances that I have gotten - and still somehow I can feel like things are stacked against me, or even that I do a great job ruining a free gift. When the bible talks about working out our faith with fear and trembling I think often that it has nothing to do with my confidence in Him, but more in my ability to accept and LIVE fully in the free gift of sanctification I say I believe in.

I've been thinking a lot about redemption lately. A lot. Because I am in desperate need of some lately. But also because in my moments of weakness I am thinking a lot about how much of a support network I have, how much grace I have been given, what a soft spot I have found to land, the safety and unconditional love I have found in my family. That "we're here for you" was one of the last things whispered in my ear before I left them at the airport last night... They know me, and they love me, like they REALLY know me, and they love me. I wish that every single person that find themselves in a mess like I am finding myself in could find such safety and support. Not to mention the church body I have surrounding me, the network of decades long friends... My cup more than overflows.

So in the midst of such a trial. In the midst of clawing myself out of this hole. In the midst of trying to figure out what's going on with my head. In the midst of trying to understand how much of what's falling apart is me, circumstance, Providence, or bad decisions I am thinking about how much my heart breaks for the abandon and the lonely who are facing far worse or much darker crisis. How can I help them. Seriously.

I watched this movie tonight, I've Loved You So Long. It's french. The main character has just been released from prison - she served 15 years for murdering her son. She goes to stay with her sister and it is the unfolding of that story. I was shocked by how much I related with the main character. Her process of getting a job, re-entering society... When we are living with a sense of shame, it feels so relateable. The difference is I have my family, faith, my community, counselors, testing, and HOPE. Most people don't.

How can we help them? Seriously. I am dreaming of how we can do this. Abused people, criminals, the poor, the needy, the down and out, the homeless... People who ache to be educated but have to work and can't afford school. Single mothers of non-school age children who can't afford day care, don't have family and want to work and not live on welfare. Widows. Older orphans. How do we help? Practically?

Redemption. I want to be a person who is passionate about Redemption and believing in redemption. I am going to have to work on it. My lazy nature can get the best of me. And how do I start to help. Like in a realistic way? I want to. I want to help people, I just need to figure out how.

Thankfulness

2009-09-14T23:17:00.004+02:00

In the midst of a difficult time of life full of uncertainty and change, two of my favorite constants swept into town to deliver love, hugs, lectures and pep-talks. I am crying just typing it. As usual we laughed until we cried, we cried, we sat in happy silence, we teased, we hugged and just generally enjoyed togetherness. It was everything that I needed. I wish they were still here.

Here are some pictures of our time. Enjoy.

Fall Peaches

2009-09-08T18:13:00.002+02:00

Who knew? There is a peach tree outside our door and as the days turn colder, the peaches are turning from green to ripe. I always thought those things happened in the Spring. That fruit trees blossomed and bloomed in the height of Spring.

It's interesting to me because I am feeling green lately. Unripe. Hard. Slightly bitter. Not pleasant to taste.

I know it's stress, change, uncertainty... But I hold this deep value that I do not want to be ruled by my circumstances. I want to be led by something stronger. I have to say that I am not excellent at living my values lately. I am excellent at making it, but beyond that I am just tired.

It's interesting. I can't seem to motivate myself to run, but I know I need to. I am 400 emails behind. I am not really taking pictures or writing because I am so tired... But the truth is, all of those things bring me exactly what I need. Running invigorates me, pictures and writing purge me, and people encourage me. I can't quite figure out what my deal is. One day at a time right?

OK - so in practical news. I am thinking about subbing at Park Street. Really. How hysterical is that? One of my counselors is there and a friend from church said she thought I should look into it, so I am going to. Why not? Poor young minds of America.

The street bed is gone. My friend Sarah is headed to Thailand so she lent me her bed, bookshelf and chair for as long as I need it. THANK YOU SARAH. My room still looks like a tribute to minimalism, but at this point, my life is indefinitely rooted here, so it's appropriate. It's also VERY easy to keep clean.

My goal for the day is to get the weekly schedule totally in place... and also to take a nap. I am worn out from not running.

Flying the Friendly Skies

2009-09-03T19:15:00.003+02:00

I have spent more time on planes in the last 6 months than I ever imagined.

I just got back from a whirlwind trip to Waco and to be honest I am so emotionally wiped out that there is no way I can really tell you all about it. The best thing I know to say is that in the midst of trying to sort through what these months in the states will look like, and pursuing the best way to get all the rest, counseling and help that I need I am overwhelmed by how supportive my family, community and friends are. I am so incredibly blessed.

SO, I am going to be in Boston through October at least. Getting testing, counseling, etc. I have A ROOM at my cousin's. Poor girl has been sharing a bed with me for a month. It does mean I am paying rent in two cities... ARGH. BUT the family I was going to stay with found out at the end of last week that her mother's cancer took a very serious turn for the worse (send your thoughts and prayer their way - Brian and Catherine) and it seems like the timing is off. To be honest, being near my cousin has been such a gift and the thought of not being where she is feels lonely to me. So for this month, I will be here.

Next goal, make life a comfy and relaxed place for the time that I am here. Hmmm...

GUESS WHO SHOWED UP THIS WEEK? CoCo, my old roommate from Berlin starts her masters at BC next week and as life would have it, we live less than a mile away from each other! I love telling people that that only two people in the world I can spend day in and day out with no matter my state are my cousin Jessica (whom I now live with) and CoCo (who now lives here!) HOW IS THAT FOR BLESSINGS???? We went to dinner last night and I was in HEAVEN.

Also, Courtney found a mattress on the street for me so I definitely carried a mattress through the neighborhood last night so I would have something to sleep on in my empty room. It's currently decorated with 2 suitcases. I am a super modern interior decorator.

Thanks for reading along. I'll throw a more informative update at you some time this week.

I have to add that as "luck" would have it, I went with Amy to Reeve and Cooper's soccer practice when I was in Waco in an attempt to get time with them, and I SAW LESLEY! (and Brett) BABY JANE WAS THERE! Bella is more beautiful than ever, Rowan is the sweetest child and I loved getting to talk and be real and laugh with two of my favorite people in the world. Also, Lesley sent me a series of pictures she took of all of us, which I LOVE having, but I thought I'd post one that made me smile. Here is me, falling in love with Rowan.

Bagel Rising

2009-08-26T14:17:00.002+02:00

It is a sad day in Boston. I just had breakfast (at 7:00 - A.M.) with someone that I affectionately refer to as, DTB, my Day Time Buddy. I met him by chance on my vacation trip through Boston and he has become a dear friend in three weeks, that feel much more like three years. He has shown me Boston, taught me how to use mass transit here, walked me through the worst neighborhoods of the city and shown me the beauty in them, we have laughed endlessly, and of course, solved the problems of the world. I want to set him up with my friend Courtney, thankfully she doesn't read this blog, so she has no idea that I have a plan for her life when she arrives next week... But I think we all know it's better that way.

I have to say I have yet to grow tired of Bagel Rising. It's this really incredible bagel place in my cousin Jess' neighborhood. I eat their whole wheat everything bagel with jalapeno Tofuti. Yes they have Tofu cream cheese - WONDERFUL! Today, I left with TWO fountain Diet Cokes and not just one, which only made me like them more. If you are in the Boston area, Bagel Rising is a must.

You guys may be asking yourself what I have been up to lately. Up here, in the North East. Well today I am in a Yankees hat. That's one thing I have been up to. This is not the city to wear this hat in, especially after the Yankees just beat the Red Sox on their own grass... But hey, I cannot answer for the superiority of the Yankees. That's their deal, I can simply walk arounf looking cute in my hat. Hold on, somehow I got distracted, what have I been doing... Besides looking cute... yes, now we're back on track.

I have been spending time with people. Talking on the phone to Waco a lot. A lot. I have been trying to implement structure into my day, while avoiding the oppressive New England humid heat - I think it is finally bearable enough to re-introduce running to my daily life, but I definitely went on pause last week because it was so hot.

I have been discovering neighborhoods in Boston that I like, my favorite right now is Inman. Maybe that's how you spell it, maybe not, but I liked it, and you get the idea. It is the funkiest part of Boston that I have found. And let me just be the first to say, Boston is NOT funky. Boston IS Ivy League. But when the Ivy Leaguers are done leaguing it - they go to Inman and shop at vintage stores, and drink coffee at small, rag tag coffee shops that are independently owned.

Emotionally, I have been slowly unpacking. A conversation here and there. I'm not ever sure what to say or where to start. It is strange to be in a place where I am so unsure and not aware. Alas, that's where I am. I mean, I feel a bit numb. I know in part it is because nothing is settled, I am not permanately located, I am not working as I have been, I am emotionally pretty tired, and I am kind of re-adjusting to American life. WEIRD.

I think I am realizing too, that as it often is in life, things that I thought were long since dealt with, seem to be making a revival appearance. Like, I was talking to DTB about something and realized that the thing that was bothering me really reminded me of a pattern of behavior that I find completely not trustworthy because of past experience. LIKE - PAST - LIKE SO LONG AGO AND SO OVER DEALT WITH THAT IT IS NOT OK THAT IT IS BOTHERING ME. Argh. Thankfully all this time is giving me lots of time to read and write and deal. Obviously I need it. Geez. Get over it already.

I don't feel alone. I don't feel lonely. I feel overwhelmed and a little nervous that I am 32 and still dealing with this crap. You know, like I am on the emotional short bus or something. But it's OK, during those moments I think of stars that are older than me and a little weirder and then I feel better. I AM KIDDING. Sort of. But hey, I'm just saying, Martha Stewart was pretty old when she started getting her act together. And that involved an ankle monitor. At least I am not on an ankle monitor... yet.

So. That's that. As far as updating this. I have to be honest. Internet is a bit volatile over here on our street. So I am not on the computer a lot. I have gone back to the dark ages of reading and writing in a journal with paper and not on the one on my laptop. I know, I know. But I mean, I am in Boston. The first shot of the Revolutionary War was fired here (I learned that yesterday on a field trip to Lexington with DTB) I am just trying to assimilate my life with history. Not really. But I promise, I am going to be updating this blog as much as I can, or at least when I feel capable of pulling some sentences together in a logical stream that will not result in me ending up with an ankle monitor. Kidding again.

I mean, I haven't lost my sense of humor. OK, gotta go drink my second fountain soda before all the ice melts away the yumminess.

Clarity in Community

2009-08-22T17:06:00.000+02:00

I have to say that one of the best things about the world that I live in is that it is small... And due to that, there is the assurance that if you get on the wrong track, you won't be there for long.

So let me just offer a few points of clarity on the last post.

I am not working FOR CFCF, I work with AMI, I'm a member of the Berlin team and I'm here getting testing, some counseling (outside of CFCF) and some personal care and space for processing my team experience (from a couple at CFCF.)

I'm remaining on support (for now) NOT at CFCF, but as what's happening here is a part of my process as an overseas worker. Me staying on support will only occur as long as it can be done with integrity and within the policies of the organization.

As far as my involvement with CFCF, it is that of a normal church member. With the incredible blessing of landing where I had a bit of previous relationship.

In the process of a meeting this morning I realized that in the whirlwind of everything some gross miscommunication had occurred. Thankfully I live in a really sweet community and we got to sit down and throw everything on the table and make a plan to move forward from here.

So there it is. Again, please let me know if you have any questions, thoughts or concerns.
Stephanie

Berlin, Boston, ADHD and the Reasons Behind it All

2009-08-20T15:04:00.004+02:00

So I realized that for the most part I assume that if you are reading this you get my emails. You know what's happening. You are aware of the situation. So, since it has come to my attention that you are not in fact all on my update list, I've decided to give a little 411 here.

I moved to Berlin in February of 2007 to work with Antioch Berlin. I like to tell people that the moving experience was like driving at 100 mph into a brick wall. You go from 90 to nothing. Cell phone ringing constantly, appointments, people, running into people you know, lots of hugs, full days and nights to absolute silence, still and the deafening sound of the phone not ringing. When class was over on Friday it was a long, long journey to Monday. I can remember thinking that I was so FICKLE - when I was in Waco all I wanted was a minute alone, and now I had more than I could handle and I was really unhappy.

The truth is, it was hard. It was going to be. And no one could have told me. I wouldn't have listened anyway. I made two incredible friends in language school that made my life bearable and more than that - enjoyable. Hannah, who I spent any free moment with and laughed all the time. And when she left me to return to the Great Island, Britain sent me another of their finest, Tori. Tori is to date, one of the most incredible friends I have ever had in my life. I respect and admire her more than she knows. As for Hannah - though she left, I stalk her on Facebook and she actually sent me one of the most encouraging supportive emails I have received in this process. I am so truly blessed, and I love England for her generosity!!!!

Without offering too much detail - the work situation was difficult from the beginning. I hate when people write shit like this and then leave me with more questions than I started with. SO let me tell you - there is fault on all sides. We were a team of humans, working for God, trying to change the world, and affecting each other with all of our fears, faults and failures.

In the midst of this, the financial crisis hit. The dollar was SUPER weak against the Euro and I began to really struggle financially. I am already REALLY REALLY REALLY bad at finances. Like had to dig myself out of $10,000 of debt - no not credit card, from writing hot checks. If it wasn't for a woman named Cindy that I worked with, I would have gone to jail... more than the times that I did for warrants issued for my arrest for checks that I had written. (3 times) When I left for Germany I had pretty strong support and it's not even that my support was impacted so drastically, but the economy killed me and I didn't really know how to compensate for it. That combined with the fact that I had no idea how to really manage my finances I spent most of my time in Germany doggy paddling to survive. Anytime I lost support or the dollar got really weak, I would be in serious trouble. I should have realized that I needed more help than I realized, and I should have asked for it - but I didn't and a couple of unexpected and difficult situations pretty much crashed me.

As well, I was having a REALLY hard time with the language. Like - REALLY hard time. Like inexplicably hard. And I feel like a smart girl... But I just wasn't getting it. I spent a year and a half in language school and picked up a 5 year old mastery of the language. VERY humbling.

I also was not really coping with stress well. Like reacting pretty inappropriately to life, and the people it contained. I frequently tell people that they needed to know that relationship with me should be viewed through a benefit outweighing the cost kind of thing, but that they needed to know the cost would be great. And it was.

I called home crying a lot. I missed my family. More than I ever expected. So much more.

Then, my roommate Sarah wrote me a very serious letter, it was loving and kind and gentle. She recommended I consider being tested for ADHD. The situation we were in with work and life was difficult and taxing, but she noticed a consistent pattern in my life of nothing going right no matter how hard I tried. She sensed that I was spending a lot more energy to get a lot less done than the average person. Which was interesting, because I felt that way too - like since I was able to put together coherent thought.

In April, our team split. The reasons are not important for this blog post, but they are also not unitarily agreed upon - so in an effort to honor everyone involved, I will just say that the fact that we cannot even agree on why we split is an indicator of how it all went. It was unbelievably painful for every single person involved, and heart breaking in light of how it affected the people that we worked for.

I really pressed into my friends. Really. I had made an incredible group of friends that were the absolute joy of my life. They are kind, funny, generous, nurturing, pragmatic, honest and a total and complete GIFT. I felt like I spent my life with them feeling like the wind was at my back. Unfortunately, as it is in life, when things are not right internally in us, there is no relationship, circumstance or person that can fix us. And it became clear that I needed some help.

Help? I needed to check on the ADHD thing. I needed to get the ability to live as an adult and manage my money in even the most basic way into line - especially living off of support. I needed to honor the generosity of the people giving up their money every month for me. I needed to deal with the hurt and dissapointment I was feeling about the way things happened with work. I needed to get some help responding to life in an appropriate way, not constantly with the same tension and sharpness of a rubber band pulled to its limit. To be honest, in the end it felt like life was imploding and I could NOT help myself.

Let me say, realizing that this meant I probably needed to leave Berlin to get help, kept me from doing what needed to be done much longer than it should have. I love my life there. I love the city. I love the work that we are doing there. I get so excited about the thought of loving the people there, empowering them to change the world, and seeing a church that's relevant to the culture established there. However, I realize that I need to be healthy - holistically healthy to do that. As well, I need to honor the money that people are giving me to invest in the right way into that culture.

It was a heart breaking and difficult decision, but I decided to leave indefinitely. The indefinite is due to the fact that you cannot put a time frame on rest and restoration. Which is what the goal of this time is. I saw a Psycholigist (PhD - Harvard) last Friday and he said it looks like I have a combined case of ADHD. Inattentive and Hyperactive. I am apparently a pretty classic case (I hate being average) and the short fuse, the financial and administrative failure, the difficulty with school and learning, the constant sense that I have some endless source of energy, and the ultimate inability to continue making it are pretty par for the course. YUCK! I will continue with comprehensive tests through August and should have a clear diagnosis no later than the first week of September.

I came home at just the right time, because I for sure had the smallest paycheck I have ever gotten in my career with AMI and I certainly would not have been able to make it in Berlin with the exchange rate such as it is. Also, because currently this testing is Psychological and not medical (until I get a clear and medically verified diagnosis) insurance is not covering my testing. If I am in fact in the end diagnosed with ADHD then I can go back to insurance and try to get reimbursed. So for now it is out of pocket, and as is made clear by the above paragraphs, this is crippling. Only compouned by the fact that I am behind financially as it is.

Boston. Why Boston? I have family here. My cousin, who is also one of my best friends, has let me land safely at her house. I am currently looking for a family to move in with. The Dr that I initially consulted with about ADHD was here... As well, there is an AMI church plant here that I can work with and who can help carry and care for me while I am trying to re-learn how to live life in a healthy way. Clearly, a diagnosis of ADHD brings some things into perspective, but it doesn't change years and years of learned unhealthy patterns. I will need lots of help learning to handle life in the right way. Also, as my dear friends Noel and Amy like to say, I am about the worst person in the world at taking care of myself. So I need some help learning to do that too. I think the root issue there, is learning to be OK with who I am, how I am, where I am. That is going to take MUCH more than an ADHD diagnosis. So I am here to try to get some help with that as well. I think that CFCF is the exact right place for that.

So I am here. I am definitely struggling. I met with Sean, who is technically my boss, yesterday and he told me he wasn't going to allow me to launch into ministry just so I would have an identity. He wants me to rest, get restored, meet with people, get the treatment and counseling that I need and also allow myself to re-learn life in a holistically healthy way. It was hard to hear, but right.

So here we go. For those of you who have wondered about the cryptically emotional blog posts or the lack of words on Blip lately... I hope this offers a bit of clarity. I think also, it has been hard to admit my failures. Both emotionally and financially. I feel like those two things have been cyclical issues that I have faced for most of my life. Sure, some of it can be given grace because of my upbringing, some of it can be understood in light of a late diagnosis of ADHD, but in reality, there is a lot of it that is there because of my refusal to deal with my own shit. My refusal to ask for help, my refusal to to be open about my failure, and my own insecurity about how I would be viewed - as if anyone is as obsessed with my own life as I am...

What am I doing here? Meeting with Dr. Stone and trying to figure out the ADHD stuff. I am doing whatever I can to help at CFCF - cleaning out attics, setting up church, things that don't involve emotional or spiritual output. My first real break since 1991. It is lots harder than I thought. I am meeting with a counselor at Park Street Church, who is independent of my community here - which I think is really important. I am meeting with a couple here, Jeff and Sarah, who have offered to meet with me once a week and help me process my experience in Berlin. And I am getting time with as many peers as possible. Talking, laughing, processing and trying to get some rest and restoration for my soul. It is essentially a combined furlough and treatment for burnout. I am remaining on support for now, but because of my financial situation I am really needing to supplement my income with a part time job so I am looking at those also.

For those of you who have contacted me to no response. I am trying to get better about responding, but I have needed a little space to breathe and grieve. I love you guys and feel so honored by your concern, I have simply not known what to say and have a high value for transparency, but a low capacity for emotional communication... So as you have written and asked questions, I have wanted to be able to offer you the truth, but have been unsure of how to do that. So this is my best offering. I hope it has provided answers to some of the questions that you have. If you have more PLEASE feel free to write and ask them, I am far more capable of answering specific questions once you have the background! Also, please know that your words, thoughts, prayers and concerns have been invaluable to me. THANK YOU.

And to be clear. I am still on financial support. For now. If you are a supporter and really intended your money to go completely to my work in Berlin and with the German people, for now, that will not be happening, and I totally understand if you feel compelled to offer your money to something more in line with that. If you need some suggestions, I am so happy to help you figure out how you can re-direct that money. If you read this and would like to contribute in some way toward this stage and process of my life - I can tell you how to do that also, just contact me directly or contact AMI - 254-754-0386. If you have thoughts or advice about any of the above information PLEASE CONTACT ME. I will take all the advice, correction, direction etc that I can get!

Thanks for reading along with my journey. I am really, really glad that you are here.

Golfing in Holden

2009-08-17T03:57:00.010+02:00

So, there was a family golf tournament. I swung twice and they pulled me out and put me in charge of the golf cart. It was a wise idea. So here are some pics of life last week. The golf pic is my Aunt Lauren's foot in the 7th hole. The one of me in an innertube was a moment at a street sale where I wished I was floating the Guadalupe. The picture of the man on the T was Ryan (my Day Time Buddy who has been graciously trying to teach me the city and public transportation) and my response to what can only be described as the outfit of the day. Then there is an entrance to the Back Bay Hotel - formerly Boston's police headquarters. A really cool building.
Then a homeless man on a bench in Roxbury. And the last one is some iron work on the stairs of this really incredible "brownstone" by Back Bay. Remind me to move there some day. It's been a really hard week. Like really hard. Like gut wrenching. Like I am numb and I am not quite sure what to do. So I am not writing a lot publically because I don't think it is best. But I am here and for the most part OK and trying to figure a whole new life in a whole new place out. Ugh. I wasn't great at life in the old city. C'est la vie. One step at a time. One apology at a time. One hurdle at a time.

Paper Heart

2009-08-13T04:56:00.001+02:00

Boston

2009-08-12T16:54:00.013+02:00

I cannot believe I landed here a week ago today. I am not even sure what to say. I have been warmly welcomed. I have felt so loved by my cousin and my friends and I have missed "home" terribly. I love this city, and am amazed at the relationships that have welcomed me. I am nervous about meeting with the Doctors. I am definitely scared that they are going to be like, NO - you don't have ADHD - YOU ARE CRAZY. Partially because I am pretty sure that my breed of insanity is genetic.

My cousin and I have been having a really sweet time together and she has been such an incredible place to land. We have laughed and cried and laughed through tears and in lots and lots of ways, my little girl dream of having a sister is being met in the unconditional love and companionship of Jess.

Here are some pictures of the adventures along the way. I am going to be writing and posting here more. It will be real and raw and honest. I am committed to that, and I know it will seem like a bit much for some of you, but I know it's the right thing to do for right now. I know that if you are coming to this Blog it's because you want to and I want to be honest about this process of figuring out what's going on with me. And share with you my road to trying to get my life on a healthier and better track than the chaotic one it has been on.

I also want to say that I think part of my recovery here will be slowing down enough to write, take pictures, enjoy running, have long dinners with my cousin and family, hang out for my cousin's son's 3rd birthday, hang out with old dear friends, get to know new ones, and I am thrilled to cultivate a deeper passion for serving the poor, loving the isolated and needy of the world, and giving my life on behalf of the lonely.

So welcome to the journey. I am glad you're reading along.

John Mayer - Free Fallin, and rainy days in Berlin

2009-07-25T13:05:00.005+02:00

Before I moved here I remember them telling me that it rained here like 80% of the time. It's true. It rains a lot. But as I have told you before, it's this pathetic half hearted rain that can barely be viewed as an inconvenience. In fact, it is so hardly quantifiable as rain that I find myself aching for a good, Texas thunderstorm. That is until this week. This week it has been stormy. Like the sky turns some shade of orange or purple and then lightning streaks through the sky and deep grumbles shake the walls and then it opens up and dumps rain on everything. Suddenly the air that was so thick and sticky 20 minutes before is crisp, clean and cool. And I feel as if something has been accomplished.

I love rain. Rain and stars. I love things that make me feel small. I feel like I say it all the time, "the natural things speak of the Invisible." Standing in front of the ocean, at the top of a peak or on a precipice, caught in the rain. We are really small aren't we?

I like to think of Indira Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, my friend Robert in Uganda, Hailey in Namimbia, MiMi in Waco... looking out at the same stars as me - years ago and now. Stars, they are the promise that life perpetuates and ends in eternity.

I've been listening to John Mayer's cover of Free Fallin' on repeat. It seems to fit perfectly to my melancholy.

I am taking my body's revolt against all things it needs to sustain life, namely sleep and food, as a sign that it's time to do something. I am packing up my flat in Berlin. I know. It's a shock to me too. I have a couple of really terrible habits. One is not asking for help, and the second is running myself into the ground. The combination of the two things has led me to a virtual burn out. It's nobody's fault but my own. So I am going to get help. That's right. I am getting help. I believe in counseling and I need some. I don't want to be doing this same shit when I'm 50 and perpetuating it in future generations. So I am putting my foot down. Tearfully. Pathetically. I can't stop crying. I am miserable in every circumstance. A good sign that all is not quiet on the western front. So there.

I've been a terrible communicator. I seem to be able to manage reading emails and text messages, but responses to anyone but my family seem to be a bit more than my little life can handle. Sad isn't it? Well. It is just where I am. Anyway, sorry if you're getting the news via blog. Please know that it's all I can do right now to stir my coffee with my little spoon and it's not an indicator of a lack of value for you.

In other news, when Jer Skyped this morning to make sure I was working on my checklist he said something that I immediately teased him about, in turn, his immediate response was, "Please don't blog about this." Cue evil laughter background. It's all blog worthy. If I am going to air all my crap here for everyone to read, nobody is safe. Just kidding. You are safe. Ish.

Deep sigh...

2009-07-12T17:38:00.001+02:00

40 minutes of power left on the laptop... I am "sailing" somewhere high above the Atlantic ocean. I am hopelessly sandwiched (and I mean elbows poking deeply into my sides due to lack of space and middle seat) on this flight. It's going to be a long 7 hours. There is a flight attendant who is living in mortal fear that something will slip off of the tray tables, and keeps saying with anxiety gripped urgency, "please make sure the lid is tightly closed on your wine bottle." Uh, like it takes me so long to drink your little wine shot that I need to put the lid on it. I am thrilled to report that I have the incredible good fortune of being seated next to the compulsive idle chatterer and currently I feel like I am on Magic Mountain at Disney due to turbulence. Another wine shot please, lid off. I hope that this blog post is not also my last will and testament. If I die all my journals go to Beth Whittington, I promised her she could have them.

Two weeks. Two short weeks.

Here was the itinerary:

We flew into Boston and spent the weekend there. We hung out with my cousin, my new friend JK and his friend Bob (who could not atop calling me Stacy, despite his best efforts), my JDG aka LR (thank you Snow Patrol) came in for an afternoon and left me irrevocably changed (by who he is, by the conversation, and by the Love that he redistributed that I so badly needed - more on that later), then to my Aunt and Uncle's to meet my cousins two new children and enjoy a perfectly familial evening.

The next day we picked up the car and headed to the Cape. The weather was terrible. It was beautiful no less. We traveled the Cape, then to Portland, ME, Provincetown, ME, Kennebunkport, ME, Hyannis Port, MA, I forget the town where the Cliff Walk is where I fell into the water, but we went there too. We ate at Street & Co in Portland and it was incredible. We tried every indie coffee shop in Maine, lots of them were really bad. We went to Bar Harbor, ME and drove all the way to the top of Cadillac Mountain in - oh I can't remember the name of the really famous park we were in... It doesn't matter anyway. It was foggy and there was no view, except at Jordan Pond where I thought of my J and I also got a great fog shot of a guy in a fishing boat (reference Blip.)

4th of July - Boston. On the Charles. Neil Diamond, who offered the Red Sox fans a drunken encore version of Sweet Caroline complete with a creepier version of "hand touching hand" which was sung the last time as, "hand, touching warm." I for sure just threw up in my mouth a little bit. No. Seriously. Sick. Please stop Neil. It's SO inappropriate.

I was shocked when the fireworks started that we were positioned directly in front of the firework barge and my uncontainable excitement proved both exhilarating and wildly entertaining to the company I kept... though seemingly not nearly as much as my enthusiastic rendition of the American Anthem Medley. Please keep in mind that the last two 4th of July's I have spent grilling burgers on an electric grill in my flat. It was magical, perfect and every lovely adjective that is appropriate.

The 5th I went to CFCF for worship and loved singing in English and seeing old friends. We went to my first Red Sox game, where Jess and I giggled recalling the new version of Sweet Caroline whose terrible inappropriateness will be burned forever in our minds. Then Harvard, then dinner with JK, then a hunt for Shiner - a fruitless search no less.

The 6th we checked in for our NYC flight, only to find out it was on the 5th. So we bought new tickets, hopped on the 7am flight and spent the day with my family and SBodie going back and forth between the upper and lower East side. We went to a bar that is housed conspicuously in a hot dog joint, you go into a phone booth pick up the phone and dial the number and the wall opens up. FANTASTIC. I needed to pick my wallet up at JDG aka LR's - did I mention I had left it in his bag when he came to Boston? No? Well I did. So we went over and I got to see S, meet the roommate and the Laura. I felt informed. Unfortunately JDG aka LR was in Alabama tending to family business, strange to be sitting in the middle of his world in his absence. Nice to get my wallet and a picture of his l.e.side life and people. Incredible to see S, waned to hug him for eternity. I've been feeling that a lot lately.

We checked our flights and definitely did not get the wrong day on our flight to Bermuda. Bermuda was incredible as far as views and potential to relax go and will have to get it's own personal post.

It rained the first two days. The third day the sun came. I read Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison, I listened to all the new music that JK gave me and fell in love with Right as Rain by Quebec Antique and About Today by the National (also the name of a bar we went to on the l.e.side in NYC.) I thought a lot about my future and what the last 2.5 years have held. I thought a lot about how and why I cried so hard when JDG aka LR got on the bus back to NY and how good it was to be with people that I have history with. I thought about why it was so hard to travel with M and how I have been having the same fights with him that I have with PDN and thought, maybe it's me and not them. I decided I need counseling - more intense counseling, and I also felt gripped with the fear that I will spend the rest of my life alone and find myself feeding the pigeons outside of Grand Central Station at 80 and singing random songs about rain. I wrestled with myself and talked to God and tried to remember my dreams anew.

I realized a few things about myself. One is always said I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married or have a family. The truth is, I do. My fear is simply that I will trick someone into marrying me and then they will hate me. Why? Because I see two really terrible patterns in myself. I want desperately to by sane. I want to be logical and wise... but I am not. I know all the right answers but I CANNOT get myself - will, soul, emotions to line up with what I know assuredly is right. So I say the right thing, I think the right thing, but for the most part my emotions are buckling and betraying me at every turn. The second is that I have an incredible capacity to make the people I know feel judged and criticized. I cannot think of any worse condition to put a man or children permanately in. Mercy.

But I long to be loved. I long to go to the places I've been and share the musings of my soul with someone other than the gentle prayers or songs of praise that I utter along the way. So there's that. I have a renewed zeal to say what I mean.

The second thing. I want to write. I want to be good at it. I want to write things that are relevant and tell the untold stories of the unrepresented in the world. I want to take pictures that tell the stories words cannot. I want to write childrens stories and I want to travel. I want to hold the unloved in my arms. I want to paint in color pictures of the atrocities that that the leaders of the free world present to us in black and white. I want to put feet to this dormant passion in me. I want to love and be loved and I want to do it as a whole person.

I need some really good counseling. I need to ask myself some hard questions. I need to stop and re-evaluate. I need to let myself be loved. I need to take more risks. I need to enjoy simplicity and reject complexity. I need more time with my friends. I need to talk less and listen more. I need to find efficiency to my expression and I need to let some things go unsaid. I need to allow my creativity to be uninhibited and I need to care less what the people around me think. I need to tell the stories in my heart. I need to run more consistently. I need to remember to call people to the impossible.

I've been thinking about school. For journalism. I've been thinking about how much I have stopped being honest with myself, with my friends and with God. I am off balance, and it is no ones fault but my own. I live a webby life and I need more authenticity and less self protection. I am losing myself.

JDG aka LR came to Boston. For soup and beer. I was shivering. I was fragile. I was honest. So was he. I wanted to drink him it was so good to see him (and not just because he is better looking every time I see him - UGH men... time is SO much better to them.) My soul found life. I remembered myself. I remembered my childlike self. I was not afraid to be me. He was as he always is (only better... always somehow better) and that led me to Him. He threw me a life raft, and I held on to it until I found myself safe at Harbor. I always try to stay there, before Him, I live there. But as JDG aka LR whom I respect, admire, and lets be honest, adore, looked at me with love as I shared my dirty soul - I remembered that the eyes of Love are unconditional and reach always to me. Risk love. Risk love. Risk love. Where is that girl? Where did she go? She broke somewhere around month 6 here. The one who wanted to love like it was never going to hurt and then got punched... when it hurt I gave up and hid, but I am back and my hibernation left me pale, but not dead and I am remembering what makes me alive. And I am remembering that without Life in me I have nothing to give the ones in need around me. I left that time somehow renewed in a way that I haven't ever been and emboldened to head back Home with vicious honesty, reminded that I will only find Truth and the utlimate safe place. I walked away from South Station feeling thankful in a way that is ineffable.

We left Bermuda, and I felt both invigorated and exhausted. I was/am also a very unnatural shade of tan. It's a strange color, that no human should be. And certainly is not a color that a human should be after one day in the sun. Not lying, people stare openly.

We flew quickly through New York, with regret that our time there was so short and me with the sense that I will be back sooner than later. I sense I will be back sooner than later, and I will take long walks with SBodie and see MOMA with my N, and have wine with JDG aka LR. And I will not rush. I will run in Central Park and I will enjoy the Grey Dog and I will eat cupcakes in the falling leaves by Magnolia. I will. I must. I need to.

I am realizing that my roots are not in a place, but a Person, in community, in my family and in people. It's just who I am. I am realizing I need to roam. I need to serve the needs of the poor. For life.

And now, I fly home. Home, wherever home is. Berlin for now. But I am redefining Home and looking to Truth to reveal it to me. I am pushing myself to honesty, even if it's raw. And I am not afraid to cry. I am weak. It is not news, but fact. And it's OK.

Two weeks. What a difference they can make.

Working on a slide show of pictures. Give me a couple of hours and I'll have it posted.

If I Had a Boat

2009-07-03T02:04:00.003+02:00

There is a Lyle Lovett song called, "If I Had a Boat." It has some really fantastic lyrics. The chorus says,

And if I had a boat
I'd go out on the ocean
And if I had a pony
I'd ride him on my boat
And we could all together
Go out on the ocean
Me upon my pony on my boat

I would definitely take a pony on a boat, I couldn't think of anything better to take on a boat, except maybe a life jacket (or raft)... especially if the pony was horsey.

I took this picture at Jordan Pond today. It moves me. I can think of a lot of reasons why, I blipped it, so I won't share all of them, but I have to say that the fog moves me to melancholy. Of course, I've been floating on a sea of melancholy lately. I have however been buoyed by my time here with my family and my friends. I have been shocked by the love, the sacrifice and the extravagance of love they have given me. So I am not alone on my boat... I have some ponies. And life rafts.

Here's one of my favorite verses, if I were you, I'd just go download the song.
And if I were like lightning
I wouldn't need no sneakers
I'd come and go wherever I would please
And I'd scare 'em by the shade tree
And I'd scare 'em by the light pole
But I would not scare my pony
on my boat out on the sea

I am totally inspired

2009-06-24T13:33:00.004+02:00

I am also trapped at home trying to clean, tie up loose ends and pack and it's kind of like studying for finals. I want to do anything but what I should.

You also might be entertained to know that I am eating sauerkraut with chopsticks. I think it makes it more fun. Sauerkraut is kind of my current equivalent to Ramen, you can buy it for 35 cents in a package at Kaisers and it does the trick!

So a long, long time ago I told my family that I would post pictures of my flat and I decided that since I am cleaning up the pics on my computer so that I can make room for the next two weeks, I would do it (also I am procrastinating - no seriously I am trying to get all the transfers set up in my accounts so I am on the computer anyway.) So here you go... here is a tour of my flat. I didn't clean it up for you, I think you'll recover. Mostly I think you should be amused my the trail of my running shoes and socks on the way to the kitchen for water... For those of you in Texas, I do this because I am SO hot after running in 70 degree weather. Eeek, that is sad huh?

Oh my do I feel small...

2009-06-24T11:08:00.002+02:00

As I said in my last post, things are going to get honest and probably a bit strange on here.

So to keep with my word I need to admit that I follow Taylor Swift on Twitter. I also have to admit that the song Love Story gives me goose bumps, but I have admitted that elsewhere, so it's not that exciting of news. YOU try to REALLY listen to the song and not be kind of moved. It's sweet.

Hold on, I am getting distracted. SO this morning I was glancing over Twitter... Obama posts a photo, NYT about Iran, The Onion about Chris Brown, John Mayer about Perez, Perez about John Mayer, Carl Mayer about the bathroom, Lance Armstrong about Max (I could tell you what everyone else is doing but you know them and already know, also it's not nearly as vulnerable as telling you about Perez and the Mayers - who I think may secretly be dating - WHY ELSE WOULD JOHN MAYER BE SINGLE???) OKOKOK - then Taylor Swift, true to Twitter character posted this link. Be prepared. When you read it you will feel like you've done nothing with your life and that you whine too much. You will also have that bubbley feeling that the world is not, in fact, going to hell in a hand basket (my German readers are all scratching their heads right now.)

It came just in time, I just checked my accounts and after all the transfers (still pending), rent gets drafted, and the rest of this month's bills I have a little less than $20 to start my vacation with. Don't worry your pretty little heads about it, I am a thrifty girl and will find someway to work it out. Though I will NOT be complaining, because at the end of this "trial" I still won't be smart enough to go to Harvard! But I am looking forward to next month when my current financial crisis will finally come to an end. A girl can also dream that someone will want a last minute running tour of Berlin! Ha!

Living Your Passions and Making Some Money On the Way - Running, Writing, Pictures and Saving the World

2009-06-23T22:01:00.008+02:00

So, for those of you who don't know, I have taken up photography. When I say I have taken up photography I mean that I have been given a really nice camera that takes excellent photos and I get to take credit for them. It was incredible to take the camera to Lebanon and bring the story back in pictures. Sometimes I feel like photos can show you in a moment what I am trying to tell you with too many words. Sometimes I am out of words. The truth is that I would rather write than speak, I am learning that about myself.

Anyway, I've been taking a lot of pictures lately. I have a daily photo blog which was an initial combination of passions. Photography and writing. I absolutely love it as an outlet and a discipline. If I was only as disciplined about running... but I think I may have found a way. I saw a news story the other day about a guy who was doing 10k runs and giving running tours of a city. UMMMMMM - HELLO????????? Where do I sign up? That is my dream, someone PAYING ME TO RUN AND GIVE TOURS! Something that I do daily for free. I am telling you, there is something clutch in combining your passions.

Anyway, if you know anyone who is coming to Berlin and wants to run and needs a guide or wants a tour, I am willing to do up to a 20k run for 10 euros per 10k. I am telling you, I think this idea is brilliant. Unfortunately I think I am going to have to get a bit more accurate on my history if I hope to really do this!

The other deal is that I am also going to try to be a bit better about sharing my passions here. I really struggle with how much of me, my life, my thoughts, my roller coaster of emotion should be on the WWW. However, I realize there is something about openness and growing and developing.

I want to write, I want to find the balance of sharing my life, telling my stories, developing myself as a writer and inspirer and I want to always share my failures and weaknesses to remind people that we are in fact all fallible humans.

I am beginning to believe that they key to life has almost nothing to do with circumstances and almost everything to do with figuring out how to converge your passions and exist (that's the practical part where you must have some money, food and clothing.) So I am going to try to do that here. I am going to try to do that without throwing my friends and family under the bus, though they are my centrifugal force.

I have to address one more issue, it's a tough one, and I really battle with what to do about it. I am going to offend or disappoint someone. I work for a conservative Christian missions organization. It's true. I know that it's horrifying for some of you. Most of the people in that organization do not drink, they are not opposed to drinking, but a lot of them live and serve people in countries where drinking is illegal. I have been asked to consider what I am posting on Facebook because of this. I have made the decision that I will not do this on my blog. If it becomes an issue I will switch my blog to invitation only so that I have the freedom to write and post as I see appropriate. Please trust my character and do not make assumptions from the little blips of life that you read or the pictures that you see. I am trusting that you are wise enough to know that what I put on here and the emotions that I share are hardly an accurate picture of myself or my life and if you choose to make assumptions from what you read or see, you will be ill informed. If you have questions or concerns about what you see here, let me know, ask me, send me scathing emails, but have a dialogue with me.

Hear me - I am religious, but if I write about religion I offend people. If I don't write about religion then people think I am selling out. I post pictures at my friends houses everyone thinks that's how I am living, if I don't, then I am hiding something. I post pictures of wine, in a new shirt, at the beach - suddenly that's all I do - drink wine, buy new clothes and go on vacation - I don't post those pictures I feel like I am being run by the opinion of people (or judgment and assumption.) So I can't please all of you. We already knew it. Please just try to use your kindest mind and believe the best of me... I will disappoint you, but only because I am human and not out of a malicious or deceitful spirit!

SOOOO... as a little celebration of the new goal to develop and converge my passions I am sharing a photo album I made of some photos I have taken since I got back from Lebanon. Beware, there is a lot of beer and wine in them. They drink water like beer here (and charge less for it than water) and really wine too, no I am not conforming to the culture and throwing my values out the door... I am conserving my money. :-) Honestly, a lot of these pictures are taken at birthday parties or other such celebrations. Also, please remember that photos are highlights. My life here is not one big vacation party (though my UK seriously believes that it is) - my job is to spend time with people, go on trips, hang out with the poor (whom I will not expoit by photographing without their blessing - except the mean guy on the steps of the museum), and try to figure out how to converge the people I spend time with and the poor. SO - don't panic those of you who contribute to me financially, I am working.

OK, other than release a legal document, I don't think I can try to address anything else (everything I am saying I am saying because you guys have either talked to me about these things or emailed me about them at some point in the recent past) - enjoy the slideshow and know that I am going to spend the next few months trying to find my blogging legs so join me in the journey! Seriously, all of your feedback is welcome - on the blog, my writing, my life and my photos!

The Story of a REporter, a Photographer and a Homeless Shoeshiner in San Fransisco

2009-06-12T12:06:00.003+02:00

OK, I know this is a lot of linkage, but I just wanted to share this story because it is EXACTLY what I am so passionate about. When you can take the people in a community that have a voice, and connect them to the people who don't have a voice then magic happens! So, let's get to work. Who knew we could change the world by networking????
The first article
The second article
The photographer

Get your marathon on

2009-06-10T22:46:00.001+02:00

Here's a little inspirational reminder the link has a link to the old YOU CAN DO IT post. Start training, it's going to be a good season.
http://www.blipfoto.com/view.php?id=313121&month=6&year=2009

Passion for the Poor

2009-06-08T23:14:00.002+02:00

I just wanted to post a quick thought. I know that most of the places that we live have incredible services for the poor. I know when you walk past people begging you think, they could work, they want to buy beer, they are lying. I want to challenge you to think about the other side of that... You are probably right. I beg you to remember though that every person you meet is fighting a battle. Imagine the first time that person hit the streets to beg... It was probably not because they thought it would be a good time. We don't know every mans story, but we know what we can do. Lately I have been cooking a little extra and taking it downstairs to the punk ids who are begging on my street. Sometimes I do give them money, if they buy beer - OH WELL. As a human, it is not my job to impose my morals on someone, simply to consider their need. A lot of times I give a little bit of money and some bread and juice. I try to stop, talk and LISTEN. I have no idea if it is making a difference, but I know that it is love, and EVERYONE could use a little more love.

Here are some practical ideas of how you can serve the poor in your area, you don't have to do all of them, or any of them, but find your way and do it with your heart.

1) Carry peanut butter crackers, a juice box, or some easily give-able snack.
2) If someone is begging outside of a store, grab a big water and some fruit or bread to them when you leave.
3) If you are baking bread or cookies, set a few aside and give something homemade to a familiar street person.
4) Clean out your pantry and give the excess to Caritas.
5) Volunteer to serve a couple of times a year at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter.
6) Next time someone asks you for money ask them their story.
7) Involve children or teenagers in whatever you decide to do, establishing a value for considering others in the next generation is crucial.
8) Organize a neighborhood or apartment food drive.
9) Next time you grab a coffee downtown, grab 2 - I bet you won't have to go far to find someone who doesn't get a Venti coffee of the day very often, and who will REALLY appreciate some coffee.
10) Flex your compassion muscle, think of the last time you were really hungry, really down or really in need and then look at the person in front of you through that lens.

For All You Backpackers; Ten of my Favorite Places to Eat in Berlin (on your kind of budget)

2009-06-08T21:19:00.002+02:00

In absolutely NO particular order

Sophieneck - Grosse Hamburger Strasse 37
You're sure to run into tourist, but for €6.90 you can get some mean Thüringer Bratwurst, sauerkraut and incredible potatoes.

PIZZA NOSTRA - at the corner Lychenerstrasse/Danzigerstrasse
These are real Italians, this is incredible food and the Italian beer is not bad. Be prepared to pay almost nothing

Kaiser Soze - Tucholskystrasse 33
Be sure André is your waiter and be prepared to have him tell you why what you are ordering is not the best. Unless you order the Ziegenkase Salat, which is my favorite on the menu. Currently he only likes to serve it with a Rosé wine. I know, it's not the coolest thing in the states right now, but it's all the rage here. So, deal with it, because he doesn't like to serve something he doesn't think goes together.

Monsieur Vyong - 46 Alte Schönhauserstrasse
I hate to even admit it, because I get SO annoyed in the summer when so many of America's best and MOST low maintenance greek system back packers cover the tables like ants at a picnic talking about how "tight" the cafes in Amsterdam were and how they almost slept through their stop in Fuda because they were so hung over... You get my point. But the truth is that it is delicious food. The spring rolls shouldn't be missed and the fruit shakes are incredible. And if you happen to be there on a day when they are serving Watermelon shakes, consider your day made.

Konnopke's Imbiss - Schönhauser Allee 44a
Currywurst with pomme frittes and a local beer. A must have experience from one of the oldest fast food spots (imbiss) in Berlin.

Kuchi - Gipsstrasse 3
Best Friends roll and the South African Chardonnay. Not the cheapest meal you'll eat, but one of the yummiest.

Döner - Stop at any place on the side of the road selling them, make sure it costs at least €2.50 and not much more, get all the sauces and enjoy one of Berlin's best treats.

Paparazzi - Brunnenstrasse 144
Owned by the same people that run Bocca di Bacco (Friedrichstr. 167/168) which is MUCH more expensive (and absolutely worth EVERY penny) it has excellent homemade Italian, it's not cheap, but it's delicious and the wine list is outstanding.

Mai Thai Snack - Stargader Strasse 11
A €5 event, no MSG, delicious and an incredible location for people watching. Have it a la mode, the eis laden 100 meters away (direction Schönhauser Allee) will complete you.

Cupcake Bakery - Zionskirchstrasse 36
FAIR WARNING - The staff here are not here to serve or please. Expect to feel like a major inconvenience and if you try to take pictures expect a strong warning in the form of screaming from the owner, it's no joke, she has epilepsy, but is NOT at all gentile in her communication method and I have seen more than one customer scolded down to inches by her. But if your skin is thick and passion for cupcakes is strong, the cupcakes are delicious and the location is quaint.

And one to grow on...
103 - Kastanienallee 49
It's one of my absolute favorite places in Berlin. The Rucola salad and Thom Kha Gai are worth giving a limb for, the wine is excellent, the people are SO typical Prenzlaurberg, as is the staff... I think they are trained by the lady at the Cupcake Bakery. Don't expect fast or friendly service and DO expect a fantastic view of Berlin's see and be seen culture.

PS 22 told me this morning, "Don't Stop Believing."

2009-06-06T12:51:00.006+02:00

Y'all. It has been a hard few months. It's wearing on me. I can feel it. I feel like I am eye to eye with some really difficult things. In myself. In the world. In people. Sometimes I feel like maybe I am not made for this. Like my dreams are big, but I am not strong enough to do it. Like my personal weaknesses, fears, failures and insecurities are bigger than the possibilities. In this moment I am vacillating between believing that and knowing that there is nothing that can stand in the way of true passion. I am trying to remind myself of this as I have set a goal to write more, and I am feeling like everything I write has a bit of that mid-eighties Depeche Mode feel. I did however see this the other day and feel a bit uplifted:

This morning I woke up, made breakfast, settled in for my morning reading/writing/prayer routine and I was feeling a bit unmotivated... So what else? I checked Google Reader to see what the rest of the world was up to. I also was hoping that one of my favorite inspirational subscriptions would have something inspiring for me.
Blog 1 , Blog 2 , or Blog 3 might inspire me. I was blown away to find that is was actually Blog 4 that did it for me.

So this morning some 5th graders (From where else? New York! The birth place or home of some of the most inspirational people in my life.) sang some major inspiration to me. Isn't it funny how a perfectly timed, seemingly insignificant, act of someone else can be the very thing we need in a moment? I love the fabric of life, and how it's beautifully interwoven with people, and that our simple passions can often inspire others in ways we'll never know or understand. Deep sigh. Lovely.

As I type I am reminded that we are all messed up, imperfect, flawed and destined for both success AND failure. My inability to administrate my life, and propensity toward drama are as much a part of me as my passion to see people inspired to change their square inch of the world. Both my weaknesses and my strengths need to be improved upon - and the worst thing that I can do is to give up one ounce of hope. So today, I am going to keep believing. I wonder if those 5th graders even know how much their hard work one period a day this semester has meant to me. Probably not. And maybe that's the way it's supposed to be.

Here's the video - but check out the Blog, you will be so inspired. And wildly entertained.

Beirut, Lebanon - First Impressions of the Camp

2009-05-25T12:08:00.002+02:00

When I learned to ride my bike, my Dad took me to the parking lot at the Eckerd on Guadalupe. He had taken the training wheels off of my bike, and I was gripped with both terror and excitement. I can remember having these mental images of flying off the bike and sailing to my death. I was positive that thousands of little girls had fallen to their death learning to ride their bikes. I have to also say that I was having the same imaginations about myself as a 2 wheeler prodigy. That I would not even need my father, that my innate sense of balance would compel me to be the first little girl who had never needed instruction to ride like the wind. In that mental image I had something resembling a cape and I was indeed some lesser form of super hero. I can that as far as my father goes it is one of the sweetest memories I have with him. Running behind me, holding me stable and telling me not to look back to just ride... And then smiling with delight as I looked back, realized I was riding on my own and holding back laughter as I immediately fell when I realized riding on my own meant he wasn't with me. I rode in circles for hours in that parking lot until we were both confident in my 2 wheeler abilities.

As I walked through the Palestinian Camp in Beirut I thought often of that memory. From the exterior the camp looks like a normal collection of poorly constructed buildings. Concrete and wire, laundry on every balcony or not yet finished apartment. Palestinian flags and Yasar Arafat posters all over. And then you walk in what appears to be an alley. Alley is perhaps generous. A passageway between the buildings. Men are gathered on the stoop in dusty old Adidas slides, dirty pants and loose fitting cotton shirts. Their darkness rests not alone on their skin, hair and eyes that could not help but stare at the strange American walking into the camp. One senses that the darkness is deeper, and not the kind of evil darkness that so many people picture when they hear Palestinian... a darkness that comes from lack of Light.

We enter single file because that is all the room that there is to walk. The uneven path is covered in dirty water, trash, cats and bones from some sort of meal the night before. There are pockets of light that hit your eyes at strange angles as it creeps its way through the buildings and the wires over your head. The wires seem so heavily lain on top of each other that you have to fight the instinctive urge to duck, feeling that at any moment they are going to give and come crashing down on your head. Occassionally you turn sideways to shimmy through the passageway, finding yourself competing with a big grey water container for space. Occassionally children walk by blatantly staring. I wondered how they found their way through the maze of the camp. This was no planned community, they building went up where they fit and when no more fit they started building on top of the old ones. The electricity that they stole from outside the camp came through those wires over our heads and some of those wires went 1/2 a kilometer in over whatever stood in their way.

I began to feel a bit panicked at one point realizing there was no way I could find my way out if for some reason I found myself on my own. One did not get the sense that they were particularly safe or unsafe, simply out of not on my own terrain. We passed Dekanes selling Pepsi, juice, meat and shoes. A tailor. A barber shop. A prayer room. All tucked into little corner shops or spaces at the bottom of buildings. The sound of the Al Jazeer news coming from every television, and the soft hum of fans trying to keep the temperature in the little shops bearable. The heat seemed to slither down from the tops of the buildings and stick to pavement under our feet and you felt as if at any moment the water on the ground might begin to boil.

How did these people end up here? I mean, I know how they ended up here. I know that these camps housed some of the most vigilant terrorist in the PLO. I am not naive about the complicated state that these camps live in the tension of. I realize that this one square kilometer is filled with 35,000 people who hold no passport, no nationality and no hope for a land or a home any time soon. Sure, they have this square of land. They have a hospital, they have schools run by NGOs, they are not destitute in the most accurate sense of the word... But in reality they have no home, they live on land in a country where they hold no rights, including the right to legally access electricity. How do those factors play into your psyche over 60 years?

As I watched the children I had a million thoughts running through my head. What kind of education are they getting? What do they think? Do they know the reality of their situation? How often do they leave the camp? I turn my head to the right and stare at a concrete wall less than a foot in front of me, I turn my head to the left and I am staring at a delapitated stairway going nowhere... And I flash back to the Eckerds parking lot, the wond blowing through my hair and riding in circles. Where do these little girls ride their bikes? Do they know the joy of rolling down a hill? Swimming in a pool? Losing your breath barely escaping being "it" in an intense game of hide and seek? There is nowhere to run, there is nowhere to ride in circles, there are no swimming pools or play ground. There is no sunlight strong enough to hold a magnifying glass over a leaf and catch it on fire. There are no green hills to roll down and there are no worms to dig up from the ground.

It is a different childhood, with different games and different delights... yet I still cannot wrap my mind around life here. 35,000 people with no right to work, no where to go, no way out and no sign that change is coming soon. What do they dream of? And if they went home? Then what?

What a strange and different world.

Apologies and Appetizers

2009-05-13T23:00:00.003+02:00

I realize, in typical fashion, I wrote that I needed to take myself less seriously and then wrote an overview of the intense thoughts I have been having while here.

TOMORROW I will share stories (and some more pictures) of the ridiculous guy that David and I met in the street yesterday, the story of how I tied my camera around my neck like a tie and crawled barefoot in a bikini to the top of a rock in Byblos - with a crowd of very curious Lebanese men gathered to observe (don't worry John was there to protect me), and the story of David and me in the Service Taxi today trying to find our way back to John and Jamie's flat... As a little teaser, after the first one broke down we paid 500% more than we should have for the three block ride home in the second one.

Don't worry - I am laughing a lot and loving life. I live dimensionally!

I decided to share some of the fun pictures from the trip... Obviously there are lots of pictures and I don't want to give them all away now. But I thought that you might be entertained at a bit of an appetizer.

Photo Key:
1 Left - John and Jamie doing their pregnancy poses at the top of the Al Shouf Mountains when we went to the Cedars
2 Right - David and I at the Vineyard after and incredible meal with J&J of appetizers and Salmon. We may have also acquired a few things that might a little extra weight in our luggage on the way home.
3 Left - Brother of David's new friend trying to get our number so that we can hang out with them later...
4 Right - That's right, that sign reads BBQ.Juice.Ice Cream (SICK)
5 Left - John smoking the Sheesha in what Mimers likes to call "Dragon Style" a technique she is convinced he made up to irritate her.

Beirut

2009-05-13T22:08:00.006+02:00

So I told you that I am not as good about this blog. I am not sure why. I'm just not. I never know what to write. Facts, feeling, stories, ideas, opinions...

I never really thought this trip to Beirut would happen. It couldn't have come at a better or worse time. I personally needed the break. The last week I was in Berlin proved that I needed it on every single level. Professionally, emotionally, mentally, relationally. I said that on the other blog today, but I realize it more today than I have. I am wound up. I am not myself. I am turned around. I am questioning myself and my actions constantly and for some strange reason, allowing the way other people respond to me affect my confidence in my decisions. I need space. I need to re-center. I need to calm down, to breath deep, to step back, to laugh, to not care, to take things less seriously, and give myself seriously to the things that really matter and let go of the things that don't.

I look at this country and I see a country that matters. This tiny space. Smaller than Connecticut. Sunnis, Shiites, Orthodox, Catholic, Palestinian, Syrian, Saudi, American, European... a country full of people and lacking peace. There is no logic in war. As David and I walked the former Green Line (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Green_Line_(Lebanon)) we lamented the loss of such an incredibly beautiful city. Jamie and I walked along Rue Hamra yesterday and she showed me places that were so familiar to me that had been in the center of the fighting last May. We walked around the Hariri memorial and I stared at once beautiful buildings looking like the old, abandon, worn down buildings I saw 10 years ago here that had never been repaired from the civil war in the 80's. This tiny country, so much civil unrest.

I woke up last night for the first time to the call to prayer. For those of you who have never spent any time in a largely Muslim country, the call to prayer is played 5 times a day to ... call people to prayer. I heard the melodic, distinctly middle eastern song of the call to prayer blasting from the mosque behind us at 4 this morning. When I finally got up at 7 I went into the living room to the rowdy sounds of the street below. People yelling morning greetings back and forth, cars racing by and honking, mopeds avoiding getting hit, horns, so many car horns and the intermittent sirens of police cars and ambulance. It is not quite but the chaos of the middle east lulls me into a bit of peace.

I have to admit I am tired and my mind is not what it could be, but I know that as I am falling asleep and as I am waking up I am reeling from the thought, "How can I help? What can I do?" We ate dinner last night at this place that is rebuilt to mimic and old Lebanese village, it's run by the ruling party here. H*zb%llah. As we finished dinner this large group of beautifully dressed men, with dark hair and short, perfectly groomed beards walked past with a large group of body guards with walky talkies. The truth is that they are the group that keeps this city safe, the second truth is what John said as we left the restaurant, "The only time I am ever nervous in this country is when I see a group like that, because if they have that kind of security, there is somebody, somewhere who wants them dead... and I don't really want to be in the vicinity when they decide to act." I realized those are not really things I have to think through living in Berlin. It was a sobering moment for me. This is a complex world we live in.

Thanks for keeping up. Hope you enjoy the pictures. Here's a little key. I'll try to update this again around Sunday when there are more stories and pictures to share.

Top Picture - a renovated building contrasting a bomb damaged one in downtown.

Middle - the Holiday Inn on the Green Line where all the US soldiers were held hostage in the 80's, also considered the "top of the hill" when anyone overtakes the city due to it's height and visibility - it is the ultimate place for prime sniper coverage

Last Picture - the location at the beginning of Hamra where Hariri was killed. The three flags are Lebanese and meant to form a shape of a flame, the contrast of the destruction against a renovated down town is overwhelming.

Happy Birthday to Me

2009-05-07T15:31:00.002+02:00

I have to say that my birthday was incredible and I felt loved far beyond what I deserved. I threw my party on Thursday night because Friday was a national holiday here and my dearest friends arranged for a weekend in the countryside all together. So we had everyone over Thursday night for Sangria, enchiladas and all my favorite tex-mex dips. That's right. Including Queso, only without Shiner. Sad. The Nogossek Clan stopped by and it was so fun to have Tina in town!!!
The next day we drove out past Brandenburg to our friend Svenja's mom's cottage in the country side. We feasted on delicious food and seasonal asparagus, we brunched on the lawn, laid on the lawn in the sun and relished in the silence. We went for long drives with loud and fantastic music and at night we cooked big dinners and sat in front of the fire and talked late into the night.
Saturday morning I head out for Beirut. I'll be there two weeks enjoying my dear friends John and Jamie, hanging out with Jamie at a Palestinian Refugee camp that she works at, and spending the afternoons enjoying Lebanon and my dear friend David who is travelling with me. I'll try to keep the blog updated with pictures and tales of our adventures. Thanks for following along with my life! I feel like one of the most fortunate girls in the world.

Ciao and next time... from Beirut!!!

Guess who got to go to the beach?

2009-04-29T19:41:00.005+02:00

That's right. Went with "the boys" and had a wonderful spontaneous 24 hours away in peace, quiet, loveliness and sand. I was incandescently happy. Here are a couple of pictures.

Birthday party tomorrow. Countryside for the birthday. Back for a few days and then Beirut on Saturday. The life I live is sweet. I am attempting to reign in some of my self criticism, my external criticism and ease into a lovely rhythm of love, grace and thankfulness. And I am taking it one day at a time, because I am not good at doing it two days at a time!!!

Love

2009-04-22T17:41:00.002+02:00

I read this today and couldn't believe how much it struck me. I am not sure yet if I agree, but I can tell you in my own life I have some very distinct tendencies toward this...

There is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

Chuck Klosterman

I mean, I'm kind of a big deal...

2009-04-22T00:58:00.001+02:00

I thought you guys might enjoy this. A friends featured me on her blog...

http://wideopenspaces.squarespace.com/wide-open-spaces/10-things-that-make-me-happy-or-11-1.html

Things that make me smile

2009-04-17T16:18:00.003+02:00

I guess I have been missing my family lately. I think probably once every 6 weeks or so it comes in a really big wave and I tear up thinking about them, or wishing they were here, or thinking about how loved and supported I feel by them. Last night on the photo blog I posted what turned out to be a somewhat vulnerable post about insecurity and I had this moment of revelation this morning that really with AM&UK I don't really feel those things, I feel OK if there are places of disagreement, because I know that they believe in me, and therefor trust my decisions. Why? Why with them and not so many other places. I don't know, but it made me kind of homesick this morning and then I read this little thing and have all week been remembering a quote my Aunt sent me, so I thought I would share them.

I also have been doing a lot of research on the Home for the Dying today and how to volunteer there. It's been keeping things in perspective for me. I am really looking forward to that opportunity.

"If the world was merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." E.B. White - courtesy of Aunt Marla

This time I mean it!

2009-04-14T11:47:00.003+02:00

OK, I know I have been really lame about blogging. But I just had two girls come through that had just graduated and were backpacking Europe and they re-inspired me that it's worth it, that you guys read it and that I should keep it up because my life here is unique, wonderful and an adventure worth sharing.

SO... here we go again. I am going to do my best to share my pictures, my thoughts, my experiences, my fears and my weaknesses.

What are the happs of late?

Well for those of you who don't know we're in the middle of BIG transition here. We were 7 people working all together here on one project, but have recently decided to do this in two teams. It was SUCH a difficult decision, but in the end one that needed to be made. So now we are in the position of moving forward, and in many ways starting over. SO STRANGE, that after two years, in many ways it feels like I am just beginning.

I have been on a support raising rampage. It is my least favorite part of my job, but necessary and so I am doing it. If you want more info let me know I can get it to you. I just took the unimaginable plunge and posted something on Facebook, but the truth is that I am connected to 1200 people on Facebook and it has the potential to be my best resource for fund raising... The problem is that I feel like a televangelist doing it. I will say this, I was slightly comforted by the fact that nobody is forced to be friends with me on FB or to read what I wrote and I posted it with an adequate warning, so if people are offended, it is their own fault... I tried to warn them.

Easter in Germany is fantastic. It is a long 4 day holiday filled with lots of laid backness and the beginning of the influx of tourists. I can't say that I love the tourist part, but I love the long, lazy weekend part. I spent the weekend catching up with friends, cooking for people and laying in the sun. It was lovely. Of course working for a church, Sunday was a lovely day. We actually attended a church called the Berlin Projekt which has a really incredible service that seems to be occupied by lots of 20/30 year old people. It was so cool to see so many people my age milling around a church here in town! I was totally inspired. They had a gospel choir in from New York and I definitely cried when they sang Oh Happy Day... Shocking I know.

So there you have it. I am back, seriously. I am going to make it happen. We are going to stay in touch better, I am going to make it happen. I am a new person, I am starting new!

I hope you are all doing well and I am looking forward to returning to our old blog friends way of life.

The first picture is Isabelle Whittenberg, who seemed to be relatively enthralled with me on Sunday... it was unusual and strangely flattering. Sad. My ego is in a sad state! Also here are Emily and Brittany... my inspirations. This is our Easter dress shot. Pretty great huh?

Alltag... My Day Off

2009-03-16T20:10:00.005+01:00

So, Monday is my day off. I love it. I try to schedule nothing. If I want to do something I will do it spontaneously, the way I want to do everything that I want to do (as opposed to what you want me to do, which I then want to either be optional or scheduled... I know, I am a nut.) I woke up at 7:00 as usual and laid in bed until 9:00 at which point I crawled down my ladder, yes, my bed at my flat is a high bed, SO WEIRD. So I climb down, and make myself a chai tea, sunflower seed toast, and I know you think I am going to say a soft boiled egg, but I am not. Since it was my first Monday in my new flat I made DRUNK EGGS. My Aunt Marla's best weekend special, scrambled eggs with whatever you've got in the fridge and pasteurized cheese. Naturally we get to eat these like, twice a year. But this morning was one of mine. I read and journaled and prayed by the window and it was lovely.

Then I lazily got ready and headed down to Kurfürstendamm. I know, I know, going West is VERY out of character for me, but I needed to do it before tourist season, I had time and I needed Yellow Cake Mix for a recipe I want to make for tomorrow (St. Patricks Day - I am going to make an Irish Cream Bundt Cake as well as Wednesday when I have dinner with the boys, I thought I would WOW them with a Guinness Pie)... Anyway, no one carries any pre-made cake mixes except for chocolate and carrot. Neither of which I eat. White first, yellow second... Anyway, I'll make mine from scratch, I have no choice. Anyway, when I got to Ku-damm (I was headed to KaDeWe) in typical Berlin fashion there were some fantastic street musicians and I got this shot!

When I came back from KaDeWe, sad and dissapointed I stopped at this new little Deli/Cafe next to my favorite Fischladen (the best fish & chips in town, but they will ALWAYS over-cook your Tuna so you can buy it fresh there but not eat it there, sad). Apparently they are owned by the same people, but one is this posh looking little cafe and the other serves fish & chips. Na ja. I digress. I ordered a Manchego and Fresh Tomato Panini. What I got was a HUGE and DELICIOUS salad with some sort of light mustard vinigarette that I wanted to lick off the plate, and a DELICIOUS and perfectly prepared light and crispy Panini served to me by the nicest, friendliest woman. What a treat.

I ran errands, came home, and unpacked another box in the kitchen. I opened a cheap bottle of Rioja and made myself some truffle pasta with truffle oil, grated a little Manchego on top and sat down to enjoy. Just so you guys don't think I've gone too posh - two things, 1- Truffles are very reasonably priced here, as they are not an import 2- For desert I had a bowl of Cookie Crisps.

I realized today that in the absence of a handful of roommates and the chaos of life, in the still of my little retreat, I am exhausted. Like, WAY more than I can explain. I fell asleep on the train today coming home. I could have gone back to sleep at 10 this morning, I could have gone to bed at 8 tonight and I am fighting to finish typing this blog. I am just toast. I had absolutely no idea how utterly worn down I was or how a high strung I had become with a life full of the constant inundation of people and their energy... Wonderful people and fun energy, but I need to retreat and renew, and I feel like the day after a marathon right now. Totally and completely spent and needing a little renewal. So, I am working on getting it. Today was the first step in that direction. Cheers to me!

Hope you enjoyed the photos! Happy Monday.

Umgezogen

2009-03-15T11:11:00.003+01:00

I think that means "moved" in German, but my grammar is really fuzzy... So it's hard to say.

I moved.

This has been one of the more difficult weeks I've had here. Lots of stress from every angle. I can't think of many places there was not some level of stress. By Wednesday Sarah and I were asking each other the same question 5 times before one of us would realize that we had asked before. Why is it that when life is stressful in one area, it feels the need to be stressful in all areas. I literally had a day where I thought of looking at Skyscanner and booking the cheapest flight I could find to wherever and just staying there for a while. Alas, I had to move and could not logistically escape. I am hoping this week will provide a bit of a logistical reprieve but I've got another 2 1/2 weeks of the other kind of stress, so I guess I just need to press into dealing with the apartment and then I may leave town when I get that over with.

I will post pictures of the new flat. It is a friends, she is moving to Turkey for 6 months and so I am moving into her space. Which is always a little weird. That and she had to leave in a rush, and is coming back the 25th to really clear the place out, so I am literally living with all of y stuff in someone else's home... Her pictures on the wall, her food in the fridge... Very strange. Alas, as of April 1st it will be fully mine to overhaul in the most temporal manner and I look forward to puting some permanent feel on it.

It has a balcony. Just in time for Spring. I definitely sat out there last night with a down banket, but I was enduring and not enjoying. I'll give it another few weeks and it will be ready for me to take roost out there!

Here's a picture of the view back to the old neighborhood at night. It reminds me of when I moved into Boardwalk apartments in Waco and I kept gushing about my balcony. When they got there and walked outside and realized that I had a view of Popeyes and I-35 they about fell over laughing. Looking at the picture I think you'll see, this one is pretty similar, but I am happy as a clam with it.

Can you believe it

2009-03-11T21:14:00.003+01:00

Full circle. Tonight I sit in Strandbad, typing emails and posting blogs, because Alice screwed up our internet. The Hamburger just left, I guess his days of stalking me are over, or in my Ramones t-shirt and unwashed hair, I looked too local to be interesting. Any way, I was thankful to have gone unnoticed. (that's him to the right, sorry I had one shot and I had to use no flash, and as my friend Markus likes to tell me - No flash and you breath - BAD photo...

Mid blog post John Snider IM'ed me and I just thought, I am so incredibly thankful for the sweet threads of consistency in this constantly changing life.

It's been craziness here and I can't say that I am keeping up well, but I am trying and making keeping up my blog and my blip a priority have actually given me something to look forward to after a long day of packing. I can't believe in a few short days I will be living alone. I have craved it for two long years and suddenly I wonder how I will do. I am starting to kind of picture myself as an old woman with piles of stuff in her flat with like 5 cats... I actually hate cats and love men, so I can't really see it happening, but that doesn't stop the irrational fear.

In a matter of amusement, I took David on a "date" with me the other night... Well, let me say it this way. David and I had plans with CoCo for her last night here and one of the guys I have been "getting to know" (so awkward - SO awkard, but I could HARDLY call it dating, partially because we are both so busy) asked me if I wanted to have dinner. It was the fourth time in a span of two weeks that I had plans when he called, and I was in the car with David so I asked what he thought about including the guy in dinner. He knows and really likes the guy and was thankful for the additional testosterone, so the four of us had dinner. Now, I barely know this guy - I have no idea if he is really interested or if I am interested, but I did not think it was a good sign when we were walking back to his flat to meet David and CoCo and he said, "I think you guys are missing it, you are really fantastic together." Note to self: DO NOT BRING BEST FRIEND TO DINNER WITH A GUY YOU MIGHT LIKE TO DATE.

I know you are all laughing. We laughed to, what else can we do?

So there you go. That's my life. I am packing and packig and cleaning and packing and trying to get stuff together to send with the team that's leaving for Uganda on Saturday and also trying not to be totally and completely despressed that I am not going.

Don't worry guys, I really am going to try to be better about this. Lots of meaningless stories and mindless chatter from me from now on. I know you have all missed it sooooo much.

Love you all, peace out.

Blogging in Berlin...

2009-03-07T15:16:00.002+01:00

So I know that I suck. But they turned the internet off in our house 2 months too early. Let's be honest though, I have been slacking at blogging anyway. However, for those of you who do not receive my email updates (if you want to be added let me know and I can get you on the list) I wrote the following two paragraphs which I perceive to be blog worthy;

As for Berlin; Let me begin by saying we're turning a seasonal corner. VERY slowly, no less turning. It's been a long winter. The winter simply is long here. I have to qualify this statement with a few facts that might make its subjectivity a bit more clear. First qualifying statement. I consider anything below 50f/10c degrees, winter weather. Therefor, winter here starts most evenings in August. Second qualifying statement, I compulsively layer to the point that I look like Ralphie from A Christmas Story. My roommate Courtney asked me last night at what point in the spring I gave up wearing tights, and I gently reminded her that even in the summer it's cold at night. She shook her head and rolled her eyes.

Another amusing anecdote from my winter wardrobe has been the addition of a pair of steel grey UGGs. Now, I know what you guys are picturing, all those girls in Texas that wear them with mini-skirts or running shorts... Let me help you. I wear a long sleeve shirt, an over shirt, a sweater, 2 pairs of tights, jeans, glove liners, gloves, a scarf, a wool coat and UGGs. I wear them appropriately and contextually. If you will re-read my very detailed layer description you will note the absence of one, what some would consider crucial, layer; socks. You are not supposed to wear socks with UGGs (see wikihow for proof) as they are fur lined and their ability to warm you comes from your own body heat. OK, so, cultural lesson #2. Like China, when you enter a home in Germany you remove shoes immediately if not sooner (my team prefers if you remove your shoes before entering their threshold!) In my flat we wear shoes... but I digress. I cannot tell you the amusement that has come as a result of my sock-less UGG existence. This has caused panic, shock, awe, horror and deep concern throughout the winter here. Not to mention horrified stares at my bare feet when I remove my boots. At which point I present my spiel about how you don't wear socks with UGGs and why, I get the same general response that people must get when they try to tell you they've seen a UFO.

Look at em...

2009-02-25T08:49:00.000+01:00

Here are a few from the anniversary shoot. They are beautiful and so fun!!!
http://www.kathrynkrueger.com/blog/index.php?link=72&cat=10

World Mandate Berlin

2009-02-17T00:42:00.002+01:00

I'm alive, I promise. I have been swallowed by the getting ready to move, getting ready for Shan to arrive and we're 4 days until Mandate world ( www.worldmandate.de.) I know I have been a lazy blogger this year, honestly I have been super faithful to Blip but kind of slacking here. I posted something this weekend, but it was depressing so I deleted it. The truth is I am holding my breath for the end of winter and trying to decide what I am doing with my life. Family votes - COME HOME. My vote - MOVE TO SOMET THIRD WORLD COUNTRY. Friend votes - STAY IN BERLING SO WE CAN COME VISIT! So, I am taking any and all suggestions.

Seriously, sorry I've been away. It really has been a difficult little spell, and I am more busy than I like to admit and back into that really unhealthy not running, not sleeping pattern where my brain and my body start to feel a bit soft. I keep telling myself is I can get through Mandate I am going to be OK.

Hope you guys are well out there. We're on day 2 of unending snow, I can't believe I ever used to beg God for this stuff, now all I ask is, "Please, make it stop." It ruins my mascara.

Hysterical...

2009-02-06T18:33:00.002+01:00

I just looked at the reading I have scattered across my bed right now...

The Cost of Discipleship -Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Living - An interior design magazine out of England (looking for ideas for the office) as well as the German version of Elle Decorating, and ICON another architectural/interior design magazine.
Hello from England with pictures of the Inauguration
and last but not leaast
Emergency Sex and other Desperate Measures - A True Story from Hell on Earth (A book about at UN peace keeping mission in Cambodia)

I am so strange.

Glady's on Ellen - We laughed until we cried

2009-02-04T22:43:00.000+01:00

Big Girl Bed

2009-02-03T00:20:00.004+01:00

So, I have spent an obscene amount of time in my adult life sleeping on a twin bed. It hasn't been a major issue in my life... Well, it was when Jasper was still alive because he had some sense of entitlement, and no matter how grey hound-ish he looked a grown woman and a yellow lab do not easily fit in a twin bed. Let me just tell you. For three years we did. So there's that.

My point is this, the pile above is on my bed (my big girl bed, that I got from Noel and Amy when they left.) It's 7 books, 5 journals, the second season of Eli Stone (thanks to David) my IPod is tucked under there somewhere, we've got a couple different translations of the bible, and somewhere in the neighborhood of eleventy billion pillows. The truth is, at the end of the day I get the sense that I build that wall over there because I don't know what to do with all the space.

In realty - 60% of the time I shove the pillows off the bed and the books are nowhere near the bed, but even on those nights I sleep on my little strip of bed and the rest goes totally and completely undisturbed.

I know, it's strange. But if you can't blog about this stuff, what's a blog worth?

I'm Sick

2009-02-01T18:28:00.002+01:00

So there was the time I felt kind of "under the weather" for a few days and then I woke up and thought, OK, I have the day to hang out in bed for a bit... and then it was 3:00. So I took my temperature. That's right, 102. So, I guess I'm sick. I am not a very good sick person. I don't like being sick. I don't like people to treat me like I'm sick. But I did decide that I needed a change of scenery so I moved in here to the living room. I've been having a Flight of the Conchords marathon, one where I watch for about 20 seconds and then sleep for 2 hours. It's nice. I made some Black Bean Soup with my last can of Rotel for lunch, and then just feasted on some crackers for dinner and I think I am going to head to bed.

As for what is happening here. We signed a lease on an office - so I am perusing a lot of magazines and neighborhood windows looking for ideas for how to make our warehouse space into a magical, warm, wonderland. We're also gearing up for our major yearly conference - World Mandate which is happening on the 20th - 22nd. I am also doing the Deco for that event, think high school gym. So that's kind of freaking me out. In the midst of it I am trying to do normal work, get some volunteer time it at ICI, and I am supposed to be starting with a running club tomorrow. I am not sure I'll be running anywhere except under my covers.

It's snowing. We'll have about 3 days of mid-thrities and then the snow is back. It's hard with the homeless people in the neighborhood because they really don't have anywhere to sleep when they weather is bad like this, so I've been trying to keep some food on me and enough money to buy tea or coffee, but it's really heart breaking.

The rest of the team is gearing up for a March trip to Uganda and then it looks like Van will be going in July. So I guess I pretty successfully got that bug planted! Hurray... Next... India.

Hope you guys are well. Sorry about my blogging lately, I promise that I will get better.

OH - I found a place to live! I am moving to a one bedroom apartment at the end of March and will stay there until I come home on furlough in November - I am thrilled.

So there you go - random update of the week. Going back to bed.

Cafe Einstein

2009-01-26T12:41:00.005+01:00

Since I've moved to Berlin I've wanted to go to this place. Hear me, they are a chain now and you can go to them anywhere. I also have to say that it's not hard to find a fantastic brunch in Berlin and there is no need to spend anymore than 7 Euros on the whole thing. The problem is, that you hear about these places. Where such and such brunched, or in this building with this history, and so on and so forth. So, here's the deal on Einstein's. It's named after Einstein. They - that's right, "they" - say that you have to go to the original, even though there is one in my neighborhood, four blocks away, that has the exact same menu.

So, Tori and I set off on the U2 at 9:15 yesterday morning (if you live in Berlin, you know that this is both an unheard of hour to be heading to breakfast on a Sunday, much less on the U2 which is hands down the SLOWEST train in the underground system, not only that but we waited 8 minutes for the train) We hopped off at our stop, got in the elevator and Tori yells, " - well on second thought I won't tell you what she yelled, but it was immediately apparent that she was not just yelling out of excitement that we were finally going to Einsteins on Ku'damm. So, 40 minutes later we had the bag that she inadvertently left on the train back and we were headed over to "the Original."

We got to a rather dodgy building and walked in. It is an old building, with tall ceilings and a very typical Berlin color scheme. Some random mix of light blue, soft pinkish orange and of course, gold. We sat and ordered. The prices weren't ridiculous. The coffee was fantastic, we didn't feel packed in, and the people watching was excellent. I'm not sure that we couldn't have had the same experience on Unter den Linden, sans the color scheme, but hey... it was the experience right?

I do have to say that as we sat there we laughed, having read about the rich history of the intellectual minds who have sipped their coffee and buttered their brotchen within these walls. We were obviously only adding clout by doing the same. As part of our intellectual conversation we discussed that we do really prefer the shops on Ku'damm over Potsdamer Platz or Alexa - and by shops we distinctly mean the chain stores. We talked about how we don't know the word for incentive in German, but Germans know it in English and can ever produce it when they have been drinking, and then we talked about how we don't even need to word for incentive - we can get around it. We then patted ourselves on the back that we knew the word for Ivory in German and were almost sure that we would be invaluable in any kind of evening where one of those word games was played due to our expansive knowledge of rarely used and conversationally worthless words. We then discussed what we've been reading (as the table across from us reviewed some sort of script) which is a book by an author called Michael Ende, and the book is written for 6-10 year olds. We were almost sure that we were the EXACT people that "they" were talking about when describing intellectuals at Einstein's.

After Tori's two coffees, my fresh squeezed OJ, espresso machiatto and entire bottle of water (I hadn't had much sleep and had had a some less than hydrating liquid beverages the evening/early morning before this) we decided that we couldn't be bothered with spending out entire day trying to carry on the intellectual tradition of the patrons of Einstein's and so we paid and left. Proudly marching out and saying that though it was good, we would have been as content with our Upper East Side location (spoken like true East Berliners.) We waited at a broken lift for like 10 minutes and then finally realized it was broken, we are too intelligent to be bothered with noticing such obvous details as the lift being broken. So we walked over to the next one which was empty and waiting for us, realized upon departure that we were at the platform for the train to Pankow (precisely as it was arriving), so we walked to the other side, waited a cool 8 minutes - hopped on the train, got to Zoo Station and realized that actually, Pankow was the exact train that we wanted. So we got off, walked to the other side to return the exact direction from whence we had come, looked up at the sign to see how long the train would be... Correct, 8 minutes. I took this picture while we were waiting;
Needless to say that we eventually made it home, but I am not sure that we will ever get those 24 minutes back that we spent waiting on the trains to go to the restaurant that we could have walked both to and home from in the same amount of time that we spent simply waiting on the train to then travel to. But hey... we went to "the Original" that "they" all say that you have to go to. And the truth is, on a lazy Sunday morning we really lost nothing. Now Einstein's on the other hand may have been a bit dumbed down by our presence, but hopefully that script reading table made up for it.

Midwinter

2009-01-23T01:29:00.002+01:00

So when I was younger I used to be a member of the Episcopal Church. St. Matthews in Austin to be exact. We were a part of the Diocese. Our Diocese was the Diocese of Texas, which is funny, because we were just a region, why we got to be the Diocesan equivalent of UT, I do not know, but I liked it. I digress... Around January we had this big youth retreat called Midwinter. All the youth in the Diocese would head out to Camp Allen and we would have a little mini 3 day summer camp to get us through until it was time for proper camp. The thing about it is, since we were from Texas - all the activities were the same because essentially, so was the weather.

I would like to have a Midwinter here. I would like to go to Spain and have a little mini Summer camp on the beach to help me make it through. I do have to say that all these days in the high 30's feel warm to me at this point. However I know that I am not yet warm as I cling to the most efficient way to get anywhere and I ride the tram almost everywhere and I am definitely putting on a thin layer of winter fat... I like to tell myself it is helping keep me warm, but it is simply the result of a fear of walking in the cold and running on the ice. OH WELL.

I'm off to bed. AKA evening hibernation.

I Have a Dream... or a few

2009-01-21T21:46:00.002+01:00

I didn't know what to write yesterday. I was overwhelmed. With emotion. With pride. With hope.

I woke up and thought, little kids in Harlem (for that matter anywhere - but I was looking at pictures of Harlem on CNN) will NEVER have to live with the same thinking that the teenagers in that neighborhood have lived with. They will never know the question of if we'll ever see a black man in office... I LOVE THAT. I cannot believe it, it gives my heart this sense of ebullience. In a moment the world was changed. In a moment, in a vote, an entire generation was set free from centuries of oppressive thinking.

I didn't know what to think the whole day. I just kept feeling the excitement of the world. I don't think that Obama is magic. I don't think he is going to save the world. I think he is going to put democracy back in the hands of the people... and people are messy. But look at all the people. The entire world was abuzz with excitement, and one man's election stirred that kind of excitement.

I know that the bible says that the government rests on God's shoulders, I work for God. I know these things... But George Bush was God's man wasn't he? And I think Obama is too. And I pray that he rests on Gods shoulders, we all need giants shoulder's to stand on.

I sat with hope as CNN panned the crowd on the Washington monument that people's hearts would be ignited with an excitement for participation in the democracy that we have so generously been given. I wept as Larry King showed and interview with a beautiful little black girl with my energy and passion for words who was at the Washington Monument with her grandfather who she proudly introduced... He wept as he shared that he had been there for Dr. Kings March on Washington and he couldn't believe he had lived to see this day. I wept with him. I was so humbled by how much I don't understand how he must feel and how thankful I am that his granddaughter will never have to.

Then I started thinking of dreams that I am afraid I'll never live to see the fruition of, but that I will dream no less, because what do we have but our dreams to reach for?

I dream of a world where no child will go to bed hungry when there is plenty...
I dream of a world where we would no longer justify our moral passivity toward genocide by the complexity of the political situations that propel it...
I dream of a world where every family would experience and equal opportunity to health care, no matter their socio-economic status...
I dream of living in a world where women and men receive equal pay for equal work...
I dream of a world where mentally and physically impaired children are treated as treasures and not outcasts...
I dream of a world where countries are free politically and spiritually and the oppression of women and children is intolerable...
I dream of a world where we are patient with each other and with ourselves and where we don't demonize failure but celebrate the courage to take risks...
I dream of a world where we promise every little heart that is entrusted to us that it is worth believing that they can and change the world - starting with the person next to them...

I had two people in my life, who have fought for me amongst a cynical mass, for my little heart to believe that it is worth dreaming that I could be a part of changing the world. I was so proud to be theirs yesterday. I was overjoyed that they got to see this day. I was thrilled for them that these 8 years of personal hell for them was over... I know they are thrilled to have a non-titled W back in Texas clearing brush on his ranch with no executive rights to any large white homes or circular offices.

I am proud to work for God. I am proud to be a white, evangelical Christian who supports Barack Obama - even if I don't agree with all of his policies - believe me, he and every one of my representatives know what my stands are on those key issues. As they did in the last administration, the difference is that in this administration I trust that the man in office knows that it says by the people and for the people... And when I write my letters now, I actually believe that my voice is being heard.

I am so thankful. I am reminded that we lose nothing in dreaming big, and in moments like this, I am reminded that we should heed the caution that our dreams not be too small.

Yes we can.

And it's Marathon Season Again!

2009-01-19T23:15:00.004+01:00

OK. Here is the deal. I am not the running expert! I am the running cheerleader. But I have had a new series of questions so I thought I would write another one of these. I am including the link to the original post and offering this year's perspective. If you never read the first one, start here;

http://cricketjohnson.blogspot.com/2008/05/marathon-season-anyone-can-do-it-speech.html

Let me start this year's speech by saying it's been a half-marathon year. I ran about a million half marathons, and no real marathons. I trained better and more consistently than I ever have and then I got home and stopped running (except for the San Antonio half) and have not really been running since. I am not great at this guys!

But here are my thoughts this year.

I absolutely love seeing the people that run marathons. They are normal people like you and me. They are tall and thin, they are bulky and awkward, they are strong, they are weak, they are normal, they are athletes, they are inspired, they are determined, they are scared, and they are brave. Marathoners are not super-heroes they are just people that tied their tennis shoes and put one foot in front of the other for six months before a race. They had terrible runs, they had incredible runs, they had breaks that lasted too long, and nights with too much wine. They are marathoners because they did the hard work, over time and it enabled them to do something that only 1% of the population will ever do in their life.

Their are no magic tricks and no super tips. Tie your shoes, set a two mile course. Run until you can't, then walk the rest. Repeat until you can run two miles. When you get your butt out of bed and run two miles consistently for a month, then download a running plan for beginners or join a training group. Work hard for 6 months, and then you, like 99% of the world will never do, will be able to run a marathon.

I need to tell you again. I am not a disciplined person. I am terrible at watching what I eat. I wear my running shoes too long because I don't want to spend the money to buy new ones. I hate running in the cold or in the rain... AND I LIVE IN BERLIN. I don't think I can run fast and I don't know how to train to run faster, I am scared to join a running group because what if I am not good enough or I can't understand them? But I want to qualify for the Boston this year... Guys, I AM SO LIKE YOU.

I go out for runs and I feel defeated. I have one good run and seven bad ones. But running has saved me. Running had kept 100 pounds off of my body. Running has given me a place to work out the hatred of my old job, the loss of Jeffrey, a broken heart, my move to Berlin, loneliness, fear, homesickness, and now trying to figure out if I am staying. I have run on four continents, and I have had the honor and privilege of praying for the people there. I have run long enough that just finishing seems a bit like it's not the same accomplishment as it was the first few times. I never ever dreamed that I would feel that way and am nervous even typing it now...

And these are the thoughts of someone who has finished a handful of races. YOU CAN DO IT. I promise, you can run a marathon. If you don't believe it, IT IS A LIE. Marathons are full of every day men and women with love handles and chaffing thighs. They are full of men and women who will finish the race and still have pounds that they need to shed. They are filled with men and women that fit their runs into impossible schedules filled with work, school, children and travel. They are filled with men and women who do not see themselves as runners, but more like joggers or as Jamie and I liked to call ourselves in the last marathon I ran in Austin - jalkers. They are simply people who set a goal, and shed blood, sweat and tears to accomplish it. They are people who were carried by the cheers of their friends and family, by the stories of the men and women running around them, or by the ones that they were running for.

Marathoners are not heroes, they are normal people who have had the opportunity to do an extraordinary thing. Marathoners are people who would give up if they weren't packed tightly into a herd of hundreds or thousands of other people reminding them that they could do it. I am reminded of the woman that ran next to me my entire first marathon who was wearing a shirt that said, "Today is my 70th birthday and this is my 7th marathon." Or the guy my second marathon that ran up to me at mile 17 when I wanted to walk and said, "Keep running, you're doing great.", and then stopped to tell me congratulations at the end. I am reminded of the woman that ran for her father who was suffering from cancer, she had his picture on her shirt. Her children and husband and mom were there every few miles with balloons and signs, and then we turned the corner of the end of mile 25 and her husband was waiting with her father who came in and shuffled as far as he could with her. The heroes are the people who inspire us to run or that we run for. I think of my Uncle who ran for one of his childhood friends after September 11th... I can never look at the pictures of him from that race without seeing the black and white picture of his friend pinned to the arm of his shirt without crying. I think of my Aunt who is my inspiration for running, and life. How I never would have run if it wasn't for her and how shocked she and my uncle would be if they really understood how much of my running is a result of their belief in me, and how much the things they have taught me about running or inspirational things they have said to me play in my head EVERY run. They are my heroes.

So, if you are thinking about running a 5k, 10k, 1/2 Marathon or a Marathon... Confucius told us that "The journey of a thousand miles began with a single step." Don't think about the 26th mile, just take your first step... and then take the one after that... and eventually you will look up and see a finish line in front of you.

If there is anything that I could try to convey to you, it is that I promise you I never thought I would be this person. Writing these things or dreaming of the Boston. But if I hadn't gone out and tried to complete 2 miles, I would have never known I could do it. TWO MILES, I didn't know I could run two miles - they might as well have been 1000! And that girl has had the honor of running races all over the world! Give it a shot... you, like me, just might surprise yourself.

And don't forget... I believe in you.

Change WE Can Believe In

2009-01-19T16:14:00.003+01:00

HBO blocks international viewers, NBC, Hulu... For Americans living overseas there is a deep sense of pride during things like Inaugurations, but it's not so easy to be in touch with them.

Of course any of you who read this blog know that I have a major crush on Barack Obama, his cabinet and the future administration. I am not confused. I don't think he's the answer. I don't think that Obama can fix what is broken. But I think we can. I think he believes in Democracy and thus us. He has done what he said he was going to do. He has reached across party lines, he has placed his enemies in his cabinet and made them friends. He has allowed George Bush to finish his presidency with dignity and has not made him any more impotent than he already was. He has left the control of the country in George Bush's hands when no one would have stopped him from infringing on W's control.

Barack Obama is not perfect. He will dissapoint all of us and himself. He will have many successes and many failures. But, he is inspiring an entire nation toward participation. He is reminding generations why politics are fun and not just a beaurocratic nightmare for us to hate and loathe. He is reminding us that we are a nation run by ourselves and we can only get out of representation what we put into it - AND I LOVE THAT. I love to see people getting excited about getting invlolved in Democracy. I love seeing people get so excited about something that they probably couldn't have been bothered before about reading on CNN.com.

It is true, this is change that we can believe in, because it does not rest on the shoulders of the President. It doesn't matter where you stand politically, when more people are voting, more people are listening, more people are reading and more people are learning about what it is that makes this country tick and run then we are headed in the right direction!

As for me... YES WE CAN!!!

TMobile advert Liverpool Street Station

2009-01-19T00:54:00.000+01:00

It's my life

2009-01-18T21:59:00.003+01:00

Currently I am sitting in my room, on my bed, trying to return emails and get some stuff done.

I am listening to two phone conversation, two different people's music, I've turned mine off... Before I was definitely listening to mine also.

I need my own apartment.

Winter in Berlin

2009-01-16T10:23:00.002+01:00

January is when the sun breaks through. January is when you have those days where you can see your breath, it looks like a little fluff of cloud that got dropped out of the bright blue sky. These are the days when you take your hat off and your hair rises like you've just set your hands on top of an electric current ball. They are the days when your ears are crispy cold, your eyes are watering from the wind and your nose is responding as if you've just eaten the red pepper from your Thom Ga Kai. When the sun is out their is this buoyed sense of hope... The winter will pass. And when it's grey you think, I don't know if I can make it.

I am thinking about a trip to Beirut in the spring and I start fantasizing about not having to wear all these layers and tights.

I made my cup of tea this morning and realized, oh yeah, during the spring I don't walk around with a cup of tea as if it is an extension of my body.

It's winter. The Spree is slushy with ice. (http://www.blipfoto.com/view.php?id=235528&month=1&year=2009) What used to be a drink that turned my tongue blue at Sonic has become reality. I've never seen frozen water, frozen rivers, frozen lakes. It is magical, and beautiful. The water does not stop, or disappear, it simply changes form. The ducks don't seem to mind. I am mesmerized by the fractured pieces of ice that float along. Were they a large piece that broke and was simply big enough to remain? Are they bits that started as little snow flakes and have grown to the mini-glacier that I see? It is strange to think that, like me, that little chunk of ice will have a life as well.

I think often of what the wars must have been like. It is so cold here. At Tori and Bex's the other night, the heating wasn't working. It was 14C in the flat and dropping. We were so cold. I had thoughts of children, listening to air raids, thin and hungry, nuzzling in to their parents for warmth. Pictures in my head of tortured and tired victims of the Holocaust, starved and given one smelly wool blanket to keep warm. The winter had no mercy on them. What a difficult and tragic time.

However there is something about when winter passes. Euphemistically, literally. The Spring. Winter teaches us hope. Patience to wait. Wouldn't it be tempting to wish these 4 hours of "daylight" away for the full days of spring... Running, without thought, with the sun on my face. But then I would not love the nights like last night. Where I sat on my couch, with my German and my tea and drank in the warmth of my apartment. I didn't resent feeling a little under the weather, because I didn't have to brave the cold. I simply nestled into where I was and relished the rest and refreshing.

No, I don't think I will wish the winter away, but I will foster the hope... Spring is coming. We're half way there.

January in Berlin

2009-01-08T00:38:00.005+01:00

It's cold here. Like, bitter cold. Like, record cold. Like, last night was the coldest night in 10 years.

I'm not great at cold. When I walk outside and I have about ten minutes before my hands are so cold that I have sharp piercing pain coursing through my fingers. Lately it's been so cold that I get a brain freeze, not from drinking something, but literally because my brain is frozen. The picture to the left is Liz and me walking up the steps of Mauer Park and small children sailing down the hill on sleds. Magical. But cold.

So, in all honesty, I have to say that I think the city is absolutely beautiful when it's blanketed in snow. However, I need to agree with my friend Liz who says blanketed in snow is the stupidest phrase because everyone knows that blankets are warm and snow isn't. Why haven't we thought of that before. I would say we're more iced than blanketed. We had a day where it got up in the 30's and stuff started melting which has now become an obstacle course or imminent trap for me depending on how you look at it. Neither are good option. But do you know what is a good option? Sledding down a hill! I saw lots of parents hop on board with their kids so that they, "wouldn't be scared." Yeah right, we all know you're creeping on your kid's thrill ride and we're all OK with it, as long as her next pass down we can go down with her instead.

From The Times Online

2009-01-07T21:23:00.002+01:00

I know that those of you who read my blog come from all different views. For anyone who has somehow missed it, I work for a church in Germany. The humanitarian aid work I do is associated with that. I know that in this day and age that is very controversial and non-PC to be affiliated with the evangelical church much less actually work for one. I have to say, the older that I get the more I realize I have no business doing something if I am not confident about it. So here's the deal. I work for a church, I do aid work through the church. I do it in part because I want to help people and I will do it any way that I can and I feel like the organization that I work with has had one of the more effective, not tied up in bureaucracy and policy impeded aid organizations I have encountered. I have absolute confidence that 100% of the money that people give to my organization goes exactly where it is supposed to go. I also feel like 1/2 of the reason people are so skeptical about the church is because in the last century it has become both ineffective and irrelevant. It has become a club for people instead of a tool to heal the sick, help the poor and aid the needy. Someday soon, I will write more about it, because it is who I am and you are seeing such a part of me if you don't really know that side of me. And often, out of a fear of offending you I leave my religious thoughts out of this blog very often. I am not really sure why I've done that, because if you know anything about me, you know it is a huge part of who I am.

That being said. A friend forwarded this article to me and I thought it was so interesting. Especially considering the work that my organization does in Africa. I know many of you will not agree with it, some of you will adore it and some of you will think it's interesting. I hope the main thing that you get out of it is that it is worth it to ask ourselves the hard questions about what it will take to help people. I have always found it ironic that people of no faith feel that it is wrong for someone of faith to go in and work with the poor and needy, as if agnosticism or atheism is any less a statement of faith or lack thereof. We all believe in something and none of us can do anything with an impure motive. OK, I have to stop myself. I could go on about this for a long time and it's not relevant.

Enjoy the article and do your little piece to change the world. If we all do our part, it will happen a lot faster.

From The Times

December 27, 2008

As an atheist, I truly believe Africa needs God

Missionaries, not aid money, are the solution to Africa's biggest problem - the crushing passivity of the people's mindset

Matthew Parris

Before Christmas I returned, after 45 years, to the country that as a boy I knew as Nyasaland. Today it's Malawi, and The Times Christmas Appeal includes a small British charity working there. Pump Aid helps rural communities to install a simple pump, letting people keep their village wells sealed and clean. I went to see this work.

It inspired me, renewing my flagging faith in development charities. But travelling in Malawi refreshed another belief, too: one I've been trying to banish all my life, but an observation I've been unable to avoid since my African childhood. It confounds my ideological beliefs, stubbornly refuses to fit my world view, and has embarrassed my growing belief that there is no God.

Now a confirmed atheist, I've become convinced of the enormous contribution that Christian evangelism makes in Africa: sharply distinct from the work of secular NGOs, government projects and international aid efforts. These alone will not do. Education and training alone will not do. In Africa Christianity changes people's hearts. It brings a spiritual transformation. The rebirth is real. The change is good.

I used to avoid this truth by applauding - as you can - the practical work of mission churches in Africa. It's a pity, I would say, that salvation is part of the package, but Christians black and white, working in Africa, do heal the sick, do teach people to read and write; and only the severest kind of secularist could see a mission hospital or school and say the world would be better without it. I would allow that if faith was needed to motivate missionaries to help, then, fine: but what counted was the help, not the faith.

But this doesn't fit the facts. Faith does more than support the missionary; it is also transferred to his flock. This is the effect that matters so immensely, and which I cannot help observing.

First, then, the observation. We had friends who were missionaries, and as a child I stayed often with them; I also stayed, alone with my little brother, in a traditional rural African village. In the city we had working for us Africans who had converted and were strong believers. The Christians were always different. Far from having cowed or confined its converts, their faith appeared to have liberated and relaxed them. There was a liveliness, a curiosity, an engagement with the world - a directness in their dealings with others - that seemed to be missing in traditional African life. They stood tall.

At 24, travelling by land across the continent reinforced this impression. From Algiers to Niger, Nigeria, Cameroon and the Central African Republic, then right through the Congo to Rwanda, Tanzania and Kenya, four student friends and I drove our old Land Rover to Nairobi.

We slept under the stars, so it was important as we reached the more populated and lawless parts of the sub-Sahara that every day we find somewhere safe by nightfall. Often near a mission.

Whenever we entered a territory worked by missionaries, we had to acknowledge that something changed in the faces of the people we passed and spoke to: something in their eyes, the way they approached you direct, man-to-man, without looking down or away. They had not become more deferential towards strangers - in some ways less so - but more open.

This time in Malawi it was the same. I met no missionaries. You do not encounter missionaries in the lobbies of expensive hotels discussing development strategy documents, as you do with the big NGOs. But instead I noticed that a handful of the most impressive African members of the Pump Aid team (largely from Zimbabwe) were, privately, strong Christians. “Privately” because the charity is entirely secular and I never heard any of its team so much as mention religion while working in the villages. But I picked up the Christian references in our conversations. One, I saw, was studying a devotional textbook in the car. One, on Sunday, went off to church at dawn for a two-hour service.

It would suit me to believe that their honesty, diligence and optimism in their work was unconnected with personal faith. Their work was secular, but surely affected by what they were. What they were was, in turn, influenced by a conception of man's place in the Universe that Christianity had taught.

There's long been a fashion among Western academic sociologists for placing tribal value systems within a ring fence, beyond critiques founded in our own culture: “theirs” and therefore best for “them”; authentic and of intrinsically equal worth to ours.

I don't follow this. I observe that tribal belief is no more peaceable than ours; and that it suppresses individuality. People think collectively; first in terms of the community, extended family and tribe. This rural-traditional mindset feeds into the “big man” and gangster politics of the African city: the exaggerated respect for a swaggering leader, and the (literal) inability to understand the whole idea of loyal opposition.

Anxiety - fear of evil spirits, of ancestors, of nature and the wild, of a tribal hierarchy, of quite everyday things - strikes deep into the whole structure of rural African thought. Every man has his place and, call it fear or respect, a great weight grinds down the individual spirit, stunting curiosity. People won't take the initiative, won't take things into their own hands or on their own shoulders.

How can I, as someone with a foot in both camps, explain? When the philosophical tourist moves from one world view to another he finds - at the very moment of passing into the new - that he loses the language to describe the landscape to the old. But let me try an example: the answer given by Sir Edmund Hillary to the question: Why climb the mountain? “Because it's there,” he said.

To the rural African mind, this is an explanation of why one would not climb the mountain. It's... well, there. Just there. Why interfere? Nothing to be done about it, or with it. Hillary's further explanation - that nobody else had climbed it - would stand as a second reason for passivity.

Christianity, post-Reformation and post-Luther, with its teaching of a direct, personal, two-way link between the individual and God, unmediated by the collective, and unsubordinate to any other human being, smashes straight through the philosphical/spiritual framework I've just described. It offers something to hold on to to those anxious to cast off a crushing tribal groupthink. That is why and how it liberates.

Those who want Africa to walk tall amid 21st-century global competition must not kid themselves that providing the material means or even the knowhow that accompanies what we call development will make the change. A whole belief system must first be supplanted.

And I'm afraid it has to be supplanted by another. Removing Christian evangelism from the African equation may leave the continent at the mercy of a malign fusion of Nike, the witch doctor, the mobile phone and the machete.

Reflecting

2009-01-05T09:35:00.002+01:00

I can get my feet under me.

I am not sure what's going on.

I have to say I love this city. I love my life here. What is not settled in me is in me. I know that. I've always known that.

I have a really brilliant life. I have incredible friends. I have a family that is beyond supportive. Any drama in my life is self-induced. The strange thing is that I feel kind of drawn to it.

I believe in living deep. I want to love deep. I want to give from deep places. That somehow conflicts with my deep fear that the life that I am currently living is not the one I was meant to live. My inability to be in this moment can keep me from breathing deeply the air in this space that I am given. How can you live deeply if you always have one eye on what's just over the horizon?

Loving deeply... I've realized that the only people whose love I truly trust is my family. I spend the rest of my time in some sort of crazy Kung Fu pose waiting for people to hurt me, and kicking at the slightest movement. It's almost like I am setting myself up for failure. Or as my father likes to call is, "Looking for monsters under the bed." I also know that my family loves me, but I'm not sure that they want me and my 7 cats living with them when I'm 80. Especially because I hate cats.

And giving from a deep place. I think I spend a lot of time worried that I am not going to have what I need, so I clench my fists to hold on to what I have instead of opening up my hands and living wide open. I'm not sure what I have to give, but I ache to give it. When I function in the weakness and failure of my last two paragraphs I realize that I begin hoarding my life and I am living the antithesis of my entire life ambition. Maybe not overtly, but I know it in my heart.

I was looking at someone that I love from the deepest and perhaps one of the purest places of my heart last night and felt so devestated that in the midst of wanting to enjoy them, love them well and give without thought of cost to them... I had actually allowed my own neurosis to bring in a nagging fear that life will not always be this way and I should think about what's going to happen when it does change (since I am so good at predicting the future this is a fantastic idea), I can say that I loved deeply... but with a hook... and is that in fact love? Patient, kind, not self seeking, without record of wrongs. Absolutely not. It was with deep love and the converse terror that comes from loving someone and feeling love and wondering how badly it is going to hurt when it hurts... I can sometimes make the people I love the most by punching bags. This was absolutely the case, I looked at them yesterday and suddenly realized - I was absolutely sure you were going to hurt me and so you will do it on my terms. Wow, I bet that was a real blessing. Everybody was Kung Fu fighting... du du du du du du du dududu. Giving from a deep place. In the end, I did the only thing I knew to do. I acknowledged my craziness. I remembered Scott telling me that all women are crazy... you just kind of have to figure out if you can live with that certain woman's brand of crazy. For some reason, my friends seem to be subscribers... Obviously my apology was met with grace. I think I just woke up this morning thinking, what is my deal?

Sarah always reminds me of that saying that crazy is making the same mistake again and again. Could someone bring a white jacket? I'll need to be taken in.

I mean, I am the girl that was in McLennan County Jail three times for the exact same violation. No joke. Really. Each time I thought I had done what I was supposed to do and I had... 3/4 of it. Each time. Never learned. I go the wrong way out a train station that I go to weekly... every time. I don't pay traffic tickets, about every ten years the IRS wants to kill me. I overdraw my account consistently by $2 and $3 because I don't take the time to go on line and look at it. Yes, I'm 31. The sad things, is that for the most part, those things just effect me (well and a very patient Aunt and Uncle who thankfully do not believe in owning fire arms.) But the stuff that I was talking about before... that impacts the people that I love. I can deal with the consequences of my own mistakes, but I realize that refusing to allow myself to become emotionally more whole is actually quite damaging to the poeple around me.

Here's the deal. I know this is a blog, and publically read. I am not trying to expose my heart to the world. Believe me, this is the least of the intimate details of my failures that I could write. I am writing this because I feel like we're ashamed to be honest about where we really are, or for that matter who we really are, even to ourselves. We are afraid to call a spade a spade. We hide in shadows and throw up light reflections to stay safe. But I am learning that nothing in life is safe. I KNOW THAT. But to know it and to really live it... My friends the Prays were really kind to tell me one time that I am great at knowing what to do but terrible at follow through. It was one of the most helpful insights anyone has ever given my about myself. I knew it practically, but was blind to it emotionally.

So here's the deal. I don't have this figured out. I have no idea why I have been even more of a mess the last few months than normal. But I am fighting for love. I am fighting to love myself as I am, imperfect, crazy and totally irrational. I am fighting to believe that God loves me, not despite me, but exactly as I am, because I believe that for the world around me. I am fighting to be the friend that I want to be, not just the friend that I know I should be. I want to listen more and talk less. It is one of my biggest weaknesses. I want to be more real, more honest and less protective of my own reputation. I want to be OK, being where I am, and I want to be OK with the people around me being where they are - imperfect, flawed and with the potential to hurt me. I want to be OK with hurt because it means I was loved... I remember realizing pain was not an enemy, I just haven't implemented the epiphany. I want to feel less out of my head and more out of my heart.

We'll see. My goals should probably be a bit more realistic. Three meals a day, showering, and laundry... But hey, what's the fun of that?

Happy New Year

2009-01-02T21:04:00.010+01:00

Hi everyone! Happy New Year to all of you. It's been a whirlwind. I picked my friends Liz up from the airport on the 29th, kept her awake all day, took her to an incredible dinner with Tori and her boyfriends family at a beautiful Turkish place in Kreuzberg and then tucked her in bed at midnight.

We had a lazy morning in the next day and met David for breakfast at my favorite breakfast spot in the neighborhood, Strandbad. We shared the breakfast for two and feasted on salmon, soft boiled eggs, delicious bread, and cheese. It was good that we ate heartily because it's been a blistery cold here, snow on the ground, and wind so cold that your eyes water from walking outside. It's also the height of winter tourism, so there are slow walking people draped all over the sidewalks with their canon elph cameras. Then David was once again tour guide extraordinaire to my friends and drove Liz to some incredible places that we would a) never have found and b) been WAY to cold to walk to on our own! I am not going to lie, the seat warmers in his car are a dream. We took Liz to our favorite pizza place on the hill across from Pfefferberg - where the wait staff is all Italian, which is fantastic for Liz - as shs was an Italian major.

New Year's Eve was hysterical. We've been taking the mornings slow, so it never really occured to us that we needed to book it to the stores before everything closed. So about two minutes into our trip to the grocery store we hear them announcing closure. It was mad chaos, I sent Liz to the proscuitto and chocolate counters, I rushed around for fish and bread (which they were out of) and we got in a line longer than I have seen in my life here. We packed everything into four bags and Liz experienced the long walk home that happens with groceries in this town. Those are the moments I start fantasizing about a car, then I remember global warming and am fine.

I have to say that this was hands down the best NYE party I have had. It was the perfect blend and amount of people, my very best friends were here, we danced and ate and laughed and celebrated. It was magical. We danced a lot to a CD by Girl Talk - you can't buy it on Itunes, but if you need a good dance party mix, I am not sure that I would recomend anything more highly. You can buy it here (http://74.124.198.47/illegal-art.net/__girl__talk___feed__the__anima.ls___/) It's fantastic.

I have to say that there is no better place to be in the world than Berlin on NYE. The firecrackers in the street, the sparklers, the craziness of the streets... It's magical and I love that an entire city pours into the streets and celebrates. The whole city is smokey and lit up, people are friendly. It's just so warm... even though it's freezing.

New Year's Day we didn't do much, enjoyed the holiday. We ate doener and pizza. We sat with Bex at the kitchen table discussing the night before and solving the world's problems late into the afternoon. Two pots of coffee, leftover cheese and proscuitto tided us over and we loved being together and having nowhere to go.

It's getting close to the moment that normal life returns. It's been a lovely holiday and I feel so thankful for the people that have filled this Christmas season. I am incredibly blessed and don't know sometimes why I have been given such generous gifts.

Liz has a photo blog - you can see some of her perspective of Berlin. She's an incredible photographer and I love the way that she sees the world. I think you will too. Beware - you may get addicted, and she posts daily. http://www.blipfoto.com/occhiverdi. I'm including some of Liz's pictures from the trip to whet your appetite. You'll love them. I didn't take one of these. They are all her. Beyond the pictures it's been one of the most refreshing parts of my year to have her here. She was a bridesmaid in Claire's wedding and in a heart beat has moved into one of the closest places to my heart. I have loved sitting on the couch with her, drinking wine and talking until the hours are gone and we don't know where they went. When people ask how long we've been friends, two months never seems like the right answer. But in fact, it has only been two months. What an incredible and providential gift.

I am also including this picture (taken by Liz) of my best friend here, Tori. I know I talk about her a lot and she is my Saturday morning standard and all of the sanity that I have I owe to her. I wish you could all meet her, she is, as I love to say, everything good and right with the world. Love her.

Christmas Sick

2008-12-29T12:49:00.004+01:00

It's true, I was sick for Christmas. Well, not Christmas day, but the day after and I am just coming back to a state of semi-consciousness. It was one of those evil and detestable stomach bugs. Sick. Horrible. Terrible. Worse than bad.

However, my dear friend Liz flew in today from Beaumont. (I know the city has my heart, so many people that I adore live there!!!!) She's currently trying to recover from an Ambien induced sleep in my bed.

So, I'm going to take the last of my vacations days this week. Go see some things in the city that I've been dying to see. I am going to hang out with my friends at a leisurely pace and enjoy life.

I am going to have a very low maintenance New Year's Eve Party with chocolates and champagne and nothing else.

I am going to think about the next year and what I can do to simplify my life. I am going to work on my budget with Van - he's a financial genius and I am somewhat handicap. I'm hoping he's patient.

I want to work on my Christmas cards... which are now New Year's cards.

I want to sit with Liz in little cafes around the city and drink wine.

I want to make my friend David give Liz a driving tour of the city where we argue about who knows the historical facts more accurately - keep in mind I am actually terrible with details and he was born here.

I want to email my family, whom I have been relatively negligent in emailing lately.

So there you go...

Love you guys. Hope your Christmas' were fantastic!

Stephen Paul Gulley

2008-12-29T01:04:00.002+01:00

For those of you who know and love my little "brother" Stephen and his wife Neelie (and their almost here daughter!!!!) James Mark wrote a song for Stephen and recorded it live at Common Grounds last month, he's posted it on Itunes and is giving all of the revenue to Stephen and Neelie. It's an awesome way to financially support them, it's a jazzy song and it was written with a lot of love and pride in a man that many of us know and love.

I Got a Love
James Mark & The Cool Band

Even if you don't know and love these men - you might really enjoy the song! Take a listen and see what you think. If you like it, spread the word!

The Winter Song - Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson

2008-12-22T10:42:00.000+01:00

What's currently on repeat...

Christmas Shopping

2008-12-17T16:28:00.000+01:00

As in, I haven't done any.

So there's good news in the hood. Apparently the standoff with our internet and phone company is over and the ultra-highspeed internet and improved phone quality came like magic in the night. It's taken us 4 months and countless phone calls to make it happen, but finally Shannon won. And by winning, I mean that I am now in charge of the phone and internet. Which is helpful because I live here, but not helpful in that I am not really a practical person and feel overwhelmed by all things financial and needed for life.

So, today I am going to finish this blog post put on my little ugly boots and head out into the day and try to get some shopping done. This is the second day that sun has peaked through the clouds and I feel like a frog on a rock. I run directly to the sun and stand in it.

It's been a chain of parties and events since I've been back. I'll post some pictures for you at the end of the post, we're doing a Christmas Eve service as a church and then I am packing a bag and heading out to Reinickendorf and spending Christmas with some friends. It's going to be like a mini-vacation into the normal world and I am so thrilled. Going and being with a proper family is one of the most refreshing things that I feel like I do with my life here.

OK - I'm now simply avoiding the inevitable. Here are some pictures - Enjoy.

This is David and me at the Jose Carreras Gala in Leipzig. Mercedes sponsored it, so we went. I would say I'd put most of my stock in their afterparty, but they raised 7 million dollars for Luekemia research AND I got to see Josh Groban, Sohne Manheim, the cast from Wicked and some other people you've never heard of who were really entertaining. Our favorite was for sure the after party band who were outstanding. We danced through two sets and then in very typical fashion, got in a huge fight and left. It's why we remain friends and don't date.

This is our team, minus Van and Kelly who were late due to a sicky toddler. We're at our favorite Christmas Market in Berlin listening to a German Gospel Choir. this is the second year that we've done this. Combined the Christmas Market with one of Berlin's oldest and favorite restaurants and celebrated the holiday. It is such an enjoyable evening, with lots of laughing and relaxing. I love Christmas. YOU GUYS, AS I AM TYPING THIS THERE IS A GLARE OF THE SUN OFF THE WINDOW ACROSS THE STREET! CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!!!

I know, I know...

2008-12-17T12:27:00.000+01:00

I just go through the spells where I am not on top of anything. This is one of them. However, for your entertainment, my friend Justin just started a blog and I think anyone who needs a laugh should read it.

http://jaksha.blogspot.com

Maybe that will make up for my absence.

After a long absence

2008-12-06T14:22:00.000+01:00

I've returned.

So, let's catch up. I went to Texas. I live off of the money people give me, so it was definitely a trip to try to raise some more money sandwiched between a wedding and Thanksgiving. If I could offer a piece of advice to anyone going home for the first time in two years, it would be not to make your first trip home business and not pleasure. No matter how much people love you and care about you, it is almost impossible for logic to override the emotion of getting to see each other again. Confused? Me too. What I mean is that when you go home for business - business has to be the priority- no matter how much you want to see your friends, and when your business is going to meals with people and trying to explain your life and work to them... Let me just say it doesn't really sit well with your friends and family that you would go "hang out" with those people that you barely know and not make time for them. They are just things that you learn along the way. I guess what I am saying is that it was wonderful to be in Texas, and fantastic to wake up in a house with my family and the distinct comfort that comes from being "home" - even as a grown woman - but I don't feel like I got to sit and have long talks, and leisurely meals and great time with people. And that, I can't say I regret, because I was prepared for it, but perhaps it was more difficult than I expected to see so many faces I love and not get to really be with them. Alas, I will go back next year for a longer trip, a longer time and hopefully have lots of long limitless time with people!

Things that I loved about being in Texas; TEXAS. What a great place. I love it. I love the weather and the people and the landscape and the eccentricity. I love the food and the beer and the conduciveness to outdoor activity. I love being near my family and I love seeing my friends faces. I love running the lake and eating chips and salsa, I love that I rarely wore a coat. I love how friendly people are, and how many people had wonderful stories about some experience they had from Germany. What a fantastic place to be from - Texas. I thoroughly enjoyed Thanksgiving with my family and all of the extensions of our family. Josie and Steve came for Thanksgiving dinner and that was fantastic. I cried like a baby when I left... Somethings are slower to change!

It was good to get back though. It is very cold, in a typical Berlin way. Grey and wet and with snow that involves absolutely no blanket of white. The Christmas markets are up everywhere, I haven't quite found time to make it to one yet. It's good to be back in my flat, with my roommates, and it's good to be back in the same city with my friends. I missed them terribly and walk around with this bizarre sense that my life is two places. However, the reality is that apart from Jamie, whom I keep up with more than regularly, my closest friends are here. I am learning all the nuances of connotation in friendship terms, lifelong, dear, best, favorite... As we all know I have a gaggle of "best friends" - an incredible group of people that have my whole heart. That has not changed, though the frequency of my ability to talk to them or share life with them had been matamorphisized. I am beginning to understand the strength of a friendship that you live apart from for a couple of years and in less than a moment you are in a perfect moment of reconnecting! It is also wonderful to have friends spread all over the world... You never feel far from a place where your heart can be at home.

Speaking of home, we have spent the last week working on Antioch Berlin's annual Christmas Party which was hosted in our home. We did our best to transform the house into a winter wonderland. We may have found the largest tree in the city, which has taken the place of multiple pieces of furniture in our home... Those pieces of furniture are now in my and Sarah's rooms.

The Christmas Party itself was fantastic! I was so thrilled that Tori brought her sister Becci and so many of my dear friends came to help early and set up and light candles and all of the things that you do chaotically before a party life that. I found my favorite reasonably priced Cabernet Savignon on sale at a little shop by my house yesterday morning, I also bought a Riesling that is sweeter than most flavors of Blue Bell I have ever eaten in my life... If your interested, stop by, we have two bottles left. We started at 8 and had games, "carolling" which in included a rousing rendition of "Berlin Ich Liebe Dir", and then ended the festivities with a round of Karaoke in which Sarah and I sang Walking on Sunshine and Faith... Hysterical. There were wonderful people whom I had never met and so enjoyed speaking with, and terribly interesting and enjoyable guests that I had met once or twice before but had not previously had the opportunity to really talk to! I loved it. William and Van stayed until 2:30 helping clean up, or helping keep us company while we cleaned up and then round two of people showed up around three! I crawled into bed at 5:30 and when I woke up at 11:00 I have to admit, even now at 3:30, I don't really feel like I've woken up at all.

I am hoping that next week is a more liesurely pace and I am looking forward to going to some Christmas Markets and eating all sorts of ridiculously traditional and unhealthy food, getting some Christmas shopping done... I'm spending Christmas at the Nogossek's where 2 small adorable children will be, so I feel like I am looking forward to the challenge of trying to purchase their favorite gift... It's a secret comptetition that I am hoping to win by luck... and some help from the Euro store, which I feel always provides the greatest stuff for kids.

I hope you guys are all doing well easing into this holiday season. If I missed you when I was in Texas please accept my apaologies, it just wasn't the trip that I thought it would be in the sense of really getting to see people. BUT, I have a great place in Berlin and you are welcome to come hang out for a bit. My friend Liz will be here the 29th, but after that you are all welcome!

Merry Christmas to you guys, and I promise not to be such a stranger!

Sunshine to Snow

2008-12-03T10:43:00.000+01:00

I just stepped off the plane in Frankfurt to slushy snow. When I left Austin I was basking in the sunshine. Welcome home.

I am tired. I am emotionally spent. I feel like I didn't really get to see anyone while I was there, I am not sure if I got the money I needed and I am coming back to a busy Christmas season. I am deeply thankful for the busy because it will keep my mind in the right place, and I am thankful to have such good friends here to anchor me. However, it never gets easier to say goodbye to my family.

I did love seeing the faces that I got to see, even if it was briefly and spastic. I am so blessed by the love and support that follows me everywhere I go. I am not sure that I know another person that leads a more charmed life relationship wise. THANK YOU!

Whoa Nelly!

2008-11-23T00:24:00.001+01:00

I am tired. Pooped. Tuckered out.

Today I cleaned my Dad's house from top to bottom. When did we start doing things for our parents that they used to do for us? What a bizarre experience to realize that deep cleaning this whole house was just too much for him, he just wouldn't make it happen. So I did it. It literally took me the entire day and the skin is now peeling off my hands. Tori would be horrified that I spent half of my day fantasizing about yellow gloves. Now keep in mind, my Dad is totally capable of doing this, he is not old, weak or lazy. He simply has become someone that I do not know. A man who realizes that the major effort of his energy is better spent on other things than deep cleaning his house (or for that matter maintaining it.) This is the man whom my entire life demanded cleanliness and whose home I have NEVER seen in any condition but mint.

THEN we put up Christmas lights. Now I have to admit that this was my own fault. A few years ago I made him buy Christmas lights. I mean, I love Christmas and I love Christmas lights and he has this adorable little two story gingerbread house and I was envisioning it with lights... Little did it occur to me that it would become my job. So, we teamed up to put the lights on the Evergreen, then he finished the shrubbery himself. I finished the kitchen.

So there it is. I got to see the Shermans, The Barnetts and The Halls... I never met Abby which was one of my main objectives coming here. So that's pretty disappointing, but I did get to listen to Char talk on the radio about all the cool stuff that the Whole Foods in Little Rock carries (including Toms!!!) while I mopped the kitchen. I didn't get to see the elder Halls... I mean - sad, sad, sad. BUT I think my Dad was pleased, and as many of you know - this is an accomplishment in itself!!!! He managed to clean the park and cook a huge Thanksgiving lunch, while I cleaned the house, so we are both finishing the day a bit tired.

I did make is to Ciao Baci last night with the Barnetts, it's one of my favorite spots in Little Rock, so I count that as an accomplishment. Oh, and I finished "Marley and Me" which Adam gave me on my way here, for those of you who love labs - it's a fantastic read. Now I'm on to "I am Bonhoeffer" - which Jordan's mom gave me at the beginning of the week. All this time on planes is helping me cross all sorts of books off my lists.

So, I am headed back to Texas. Flight leaves in a little over an hour, headed to Adam and Ali's to try to catch the Fulmers (well - Matt), and then I am spending the night with Kendall. Speaking at Mercy Place in the morning, going to try to catch the Gulleys tomorrow on my way through Waco, see my family before Haley lands and then grab Haley at 6. Then... start my last week in Texas.

I feel in between two worlds, I am not really sure whether I am coming or going. I am ready to be home and not ready to leave home, it makes me sad to even type it. I am not sure what is home. That, and I smell like bleach. Not quite my Issey Miyake standard, which is also often described as clean.

Thanks for reading. Love you guys. Keep the thoughts and prayers coming.

Coldplay and Arkansas

2008-11-20T23:08:00.000+01:00

Hi everyone. Just checking in. I had an incredible time at Coldplay last night, I'll try to post some pictures in the next couple of days. I hopped in a car with my dear friends Barry and Charlotte this morning and we headed to Little Rock, where my Dad is. So here I am. Little Rock. So glad to see the Shermans, Halls, Barnetts, Casterlines, Jakshas! It's going to be a wonderful visit, I am so thankful to be in such a beautiful little town with some of my favorite people. It's COLD, lots colder than Texas. It's supposed to be WAY below freezing tonight.

I hope you guys are doing well, thanks for keeping up with my adventures, I promise, while I am here I will try to post some interesting stories.

Still Alive

2008-11-17T05:07:00.000+01:00

But barely.

I've been all over Texas and seen half of the people that I wanted to see. You guys have been such a blessing.

I ran the San Antonio Rock 'n Roll half-marathon today with my family.

I think I did OK until today, and then all the constant running of the last... however long totally hit. So I canceled an appointment tonight, skipped out on Josie's birthday party and am going to try to not start working until 10 tomorrow in hopes to catch my breath.

I am currently accepting all thoughts and prayers.

The schedule this week is Austin (Mon), Waco(Mon/Tues), Dallas (Tues/Wed), Little Rock(Thur/Sat), Dallas (Sat/Sun), Austin (Sunday.) So as you can see, taking tonight off was kind of a must after traveling almost 1500 miles since I hit Austin November 2. Mercy.

I will try to keep everyone posted, but mostly it looks the same, travel, touch base with people, meet with potential supporters, sleep, next town.

Love y'all and sorry I've been such a lame blogger.

Texas our Texas

2008-11-05T07:54:00.000+01:00

I've been here almost two weeks, I'm sorry I am just writing something now. Honestly, I am going to post a couple of pictures and write later. Sorry, but
be entertained!!!!

Pic 1 - Robes from Claire that are like heaven, but robes.

Pic 2 - Rehearsal dinner costume party

{ic 3 - "Dancing"

Ray Lamontagne - Shelter

2008-10-22T00:11:00.001+02:00

This is another one of those songs that I hear and it feels very spiritual to me. I was running the other day on this beautiful countryside path and I thought, I wish I could somehow find a way to communicate the beauty of this moment. This crisp autumn day. The bright sky, the refreshing breeze, my cold legs and hot face, the village in front of me, brilliant green field next to me and apple orchard behind me. And Ray... Ray singing Shelter as I tried to not panic about setting foot on the now unfamiliar soil that I sometimes call home for the first time in two years. I didn't think I could do it. Even Sunday as I told me Aunt about the run, I somehow felt I was doing it an injustice. And then Bodie posted this video on her blog and I knew I needed to try.
I'm getting ready to go. I don't know what to say, except that I feel unusually unsure. Of what to expect, of how I will feel, of what has changed, with me, in Texas, with friends, in my own idealistic reminiscence of "home"... When the truth is that with the exception of my family my home is here. I find myself so grateful that David is coming to the wedding so I have some piece of my life with me. It's so silly, I'm honestly not sure I felt so unsure coming here. So strange.
So listen to Ray. Enjoy the sweetness of this song. And in the moments when you feel a bit crazy - remind yourself that I drove in 5th gear straight there - so we're in it together!!!!

The Death of a Keyboard

2008-10-15T11:05:00.000+02:00

It's as if it knew. Like Steve Jobs sent it a memo that the new MacBooks (I'm in love) were coming out and that a good thing to do would be, snap. Hear me. This is no crash, it has not stopped working, this is full on laptop teenager back talk. It has decided to put some of its keys on strike. And by strike I mean they are absolutely refusing to work. And by keys I mean all the F command keys, delete, return, a, e, d, w and 3. That's right. All the numbers work but 3. I can just hear it, "puuuh tuh huh, I am not putting up with you dreaming about a fancy new MacBook. I'm all you need." Which was true before the attitude, but now, not only is my current MacBook teenager in revolt, but it's cousin is far too expensive for me. So... I guess I'll just hold on until I can make it to a genius bar in the states and be thankful for the BB until then. And remember, "If you can't be with the one you love. Love the one you're with." Or else.

Eric Liddell, Sara Bareilles and Africa (I'm into threes lately - in honor of Haley)

2008-10-09T10:41:00.000+02:00

So I've hit a wall. I think I am so busy that all I want to do is curl up in a ball in my bed and read all day. I have four books next to my bed and I just rotate them. The truth is, of course, that there is no such luxury. By 7:30 I am long awake, sitting with my calendar (one of the 2 that I keep, because one is always missing), bible, a couple of books and my journal. I have a warm cup of tea, some form of toast and I am trying to order the urgent. Currently the Visa has become less urgent, as the Visa office is yet again on strike.

The really funny thing is that not only is the Visa office on strike, but the main Street Tram line that we use to get most places we need to go in the city is under construction, so I am forced to really think ahead and figure out how I am going to get anywhere in my day. It's so funny, nothing works quite like you plan it's going to in your head.

So... the hardest thing to do, besides administrative details, is run. Seriously. I don't know why. It gives me so much energy. It is the single most stress relieving thing that I do and it is the hardest thing for me to force myself to do in a day right now. Yesterday I literally put it off until the very last minute. I went to the gym because it was late and figured I would just hop on the treadmill and force myself into it. Just like my street runs I hate the first 20 minutes and want to quit. And then I kind of found my groove. It was a slower run, and I was singing along with my little running playlist. Smiling when Born to Run came on. Thinking about how much the right music when I run makes a difference, of course, the right music makes a difference no matter what you're doing.

Then the Sara Bareilles song "Many the Miles" came on. I had been talking to Sasha the other day about the kids in Africa and the reason that everyone should, at least once in their life, take the opportunity to do an aid trip. I started listening to the song and the words kept making me think of Africa. Hear me, I was raised Catholic/Episcopalian. I am all about a traditional church service, I love old hymns. Anyone who knows me, knows a blues version of On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand or It is Well will reduce me tears in about 10 seconds. I have to be honest though, I think some of my most profound and intimate worship experiences have been to some Pop song, running. I had one of those moments last night. I was on the treadmill, listening to Sara ask, "How far do I have to go to get to you? Many the miles... Send me the miles, I'll be happy to." I just kept thinking of all the little faces that I've seen over the years, the stories that I've heard, I thought of the pain of missing my family and friends, the financial sacrafices that people have made for me to be able to do this, and I kept thinking, "I'll be happy to." That's the truth. I had this profound moment last night realizing there is nothing I would rather be doing in the world that getting people like Sasha thinking about children in the third world, there is nothing I would rather do than go there. There is nothing I would rather do than teach people that you can change the world as profoundly with time and love as you can with money.

As I ran, and felt so grateful that I had made myself hit the treadmill, press past the first few miles, and keep going I thought of the Eric Liddell quote from Chariots of Fire, "I believe God made me for a purpose... And when I run I feel His pleasure." It felt, for me, like a church service on the treadmill last night. I love that worship is like that. My friend Tori talks often about sunrise services at a temple in India or saying her mantra on a Sunway in New York, I love listening to my friend Jamie talk about a high church he goes to in Edinburough, and for me it is when I am running.

I climbed the wall last night. Today, as I look at a pile of laundry, three appointments and a grocery lists of basics that I have long been out of, I resolve again to enjoy the beauty of every day life and the gift of people along the way. Whether it's a run or administrative details, these are the miles that enable me to spend my days with the poor and I am thankful to be inspired again that there is no cost too great, and they are worth it.

Mexikanisch, the Ramones and Forgotten Details

2008-10-08T20:07:00.001+02:00

Yesterday I walked by a restaurant in our neighborhood that was advertising their Mexikanisch (no really, that's what it's called here and that's exactly what it is Mexican - ISH, emphasis on the ISH) cuisine;

Texas Burger
Vegetarian Pasta
Spicy Pizza
Fajitas Polla

Just like all the places at home... I laughed so hard.

The new Ramones museum in Berlin just opened downstairs, after 2 weeks of 24 hour drilling on the wall adjacent to mine. You've never seen so many people in grey jeans and converse. If anyone's a huge Ramones fan, the museum is about the size of my bedroom and I am sure well worth your trip.

Details, the ones I forget. I spent all this time planning my Aunt and Uncle's anniversary present, sending emails, talking about times etc (I can't say too much, my uncle reads this blog every couple of weeks, but I promise you'll get to see some snapshots of my brilliance - thanks KK, you're the BEST!) and then yesterday on their TWENTY YEAR anniversary I totally forgot to call. I thought about it all day Monday, even sent Kathryn an email regarding the gift, and then Tuesday, NOTHING. I am the worst niece ever. I am looking forward to this joining the phone bill incident on the list of unforgotten debacles. I am sure this is going to effect the celebration of my half-birthday (23 short days away.)

For those of you who know my Aunt and Uncle, you know that they have the marriage and the relationship that I admire the most in the world and they are the reason that I am still single. I've been told twice in the last couple of months that my standards are high, and was told just today that I will be hard pressed to find a man who is both a man and perfectly comfortable with his emotions. Who is both kind, caring, giving and no nonsense. I was told by the same person that it is equally hard to find a woman who is comfortable in her own identity, willing to communicate through understanding a totally different way of communication and love and who does not take quietness or distance personally. I laughed and said, "Not if you wait long enough." I am sure that their marriage has not always been what I see it as today, and I am sure they would say that they have their days, but they are my gold standard and I'd rather be single than settle for less.

So to Ken and Marla - Happy 20 Year Anniversary, one day late. I will never forgive you for that drop waist magenta number that you not only let me demand to have, but then slyly let me wear to the wedding and proudly display in photos in our hallway. It is the single most horrific tribute to the 80's I've ever made.

16 Days

2008-10-07T12:35:00.000+02:00

There is this Pat Green song called 3 Days that I love... when I say love, I mean that if Jordan EVER hears then song again in her life it might be too soon. I am almost sure for an entire summer I listened to it on repeat at the highest possible level. Normally when I get addicted to a song it is because of one line that I seem to believe is THE MOST INCREDIBLE LINE EVER WRITTEN, which I believe until I hear the next MOST INCREDIBLE SONG EVER WRITTEN. I will, somewhat reluctantly, admit that the "line" that I loved in that song was a little stint where Pat Green just sings "hold me" over and over again. You might think it was because I was in need of a hug, but no, it was because the repetition gave me the opportunity to change my pose every time and sing progressively louder until Jordan was both laughing and rolling her eyes.

However, as I wrote an update email this morning I realized that I have just 16 days left here before I head back to Texas. I am not sure if you guys know this, but I adore this city. I am in in fact in love with it. I remember reading an article in Real Simple one time that explained that the first two years that you are in love you literally physiologically have the same chemical reaction that a drug addict does. Consuming thoughts, erratic and irrational feelings of need, dependency issues. That's me. I love it here. I can't remember what it's like to be somewhere else in the fall. I can't believe what I am going to miss. My whole life is here. I love my friends, my cafes, my friends that work at them, I love the park, and public transportation. I don't remember what I did before, I don't remember how Texas works.

Isn't that funny? I was walking past my favorite Indian restaurant the other night and waving at my favorite waiters, leaving Barcomi's last Tuesday and I forgot to say bye to my favorite waiter and as I glanced back in he was waiting at the window for me to wave, my favorite coffee place knows that I love my chai really strong - and in the back of my mind I have this faint memory of pulling away from George's the morning I was leaving and crying to Scott because I loved living in a small town where everyone knew my name and my order - believing with all of my heart that would NEVER happen here.

16 days... 16 days to so many of you that I have missed and ached for, I have just learned to conquer that ache! Why in the world am I rushing home to stir it all up again? Isn't life funny?

I realize that I want to be safe, free of pain and sure of the future. I like calculated risk and a guaranteed adventure. I have learned that I am more independent than I ever imagined and much weaker than I thought. I have learned that I thrive where I am planted and that my greatest hurdle is almost always me and my attitude. I realize that I am like a little girl inside and when I get scared I close my eyes and sit still and wait for what's sad to pass. I have realized that I am an idealistic optimist trapped in a cynical skeptics body. I have learned that when you are self employed your taxes are frighteningly more than you can even imagine. I have learned that even at 30 it's better to ask for help than get in to trouble, and I've learned that I am REALLY bad at asking for help. I have learned that I am a fantastic and low maintenance traveler, and really a low maintenance kind of girl - I manifest all of my high maintenance needs in the emotional area. I have also learned that no matter where you are and how much you love it, who you came from and where you came from define so much of the way you are and the way you see the world.

16 days. I never thought I would be so torn about leaving here for ANY amount of time, I spent a year and a half aching for Texas and now, I am so blessed to be sad to leave for a while. Life is rich with blessing and in 16 days I will start wrapping my arms around some of my favorite ones. Hold me, hold me, hold me...

OK Readers

2008-09-30T23:54:00.000+02:00

I honestly have no idea who you are, I am not quite sure how to even figure it out, but I feel like there are probably about 20 or so of you and you can spread the word. I read another blog who sits on the jury for this contest, a $5000 technology makeover. It's from Intel, and I am a die hard Mac user, as well, I don't think there is any way that I can in good faith apply, but I thought you guys might know some people who do or know people who know people so here it is

http://www.needatechmakeover.com

The lady who is judging it said that at the point she posted it only 43 people had entered, that videos and pictures are good and the community voting for the person is good. So if you nominate someone and need us to get behind you let me know and I'll let my readers know.

NOW, think of someone that desperately needs a computer etc and would never otherwise get one, or a company or something and lets get them what they need!!!! (you can also nominate yourself!!!!)

A Sundry of Information

2008-09-29T15:52:00.000+02:00

Laura and I had a fantastic visit! She's the first from this group of friends to make it to Berlin and it was so refreshing to have her here. She is such a gift and we had a fantastic time exploring the city, making up history, laughing, eating delicious food and just all around catching up on the last two years. I love when my friends love Berlin. Given, there's not much not to love, but it makes it so much more special when you have people around you agreeing.

The weather has been perfect as far as fall goes. I finished my run today and I went and got a cup of tea and walked the long way home. It was that hazy sunny that we get right before the sun disappears behind the Dec - March clouds. You know what I am talking about, when the cloud cover is just enough that the sun sits behind a thin veil but somehow manages to make you feel like the day is sunny. I love it.

I am kind of in the throws of planning the trip home and trying to take full advantage of my last few weeks here. I managed to make 5 appointments on Saturday, 2 of which were parties on Saturday night. Sunday was the marathon (I did not run, more on that later), small group and Bon Iver. If you haven't heard of Bon Iver now is your time. For some reason my friend David and I gave each other concert tickets for our birthdays. Bon Iver canceled his show and Dave lost the tickets to the show we were supposed to go to for mine, though he says that he recently found them and has framed them for me. Anyway, BI rescheduled and we went last night. It was a fantastic show. I like the band more now than I did before I went. I am obsessed with a song that has not been released yet called Blood Bank. I'll post it on the end, but needless to say, I had to force myself to listen to Willie Nelson tonight to get it off repeat (for my roommates sake.)

Yes, I said roommates. We got a new roommate. She is 22. She plays basketball here. She's from Wisconson. She went to Moody. I've been too busy to get much time with her, but she seems great and I know that we are fortunate to have found someone to take Shan's spot.

The marathon. I didn't register in time to run it. It was the 30th anniversary or something like that, and spots were gone in record time. I am not really the best at registering for things period, much less in a timely manner. So... needless to say, I cheered. Van ran it though and he did great. I cried for a lot of the race. Having run so many races it was just such an honor to get to stand on the side and watch all those people who had trained so hard. At the end a woman was almost done, crying and running. I told her she could do it and then cried with her, because I can so relate with that feeling. It was an privelege and even though I also cried that I didn't get to run, I was so glad to be able to see a marathon from the other side.

So that's life. I spend a lot of time running, hanging out with people, working on German, in meetings and trying to not freak out about the trip home. And when I can, I go to concerts, because in Berlin, they are cheap and really good.

Here's Bon Iver, terrible recording, wonderful song.

Find your candidate

2008-09-26T09:46:00.000+02:00

Here you go, go to this website (thank you Guel and Hughes for enlightening the rest of us to the fun) and you can play this game and it will help you know who you want to vote for now that you are all registered.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/politics/election2008/candidate-match-game.htm

If you need a little inspiration read about this 95 year old that registered to vote for the first time:

95-year-old proves it's never too late to register to vote
06:25 PM EDT on Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Reported by: Joe Flanagan

NEWPORT NEWS – Virginia elections officials say nine of out ten newly-registered voters will be voting for the first time this November.

Not all of them are young people, but 95-year-old Florence Washington is just as excited.

She became eligible to vote when Franklin Roosevelt and Herbert Hoover battled it out for the White House, but it took the candidacy of Sen. Barack Obama to get her on the voter rolls.

Video: 95-year-old registers to vote for the first time

Larger screen E-mail this clip

"He looks like he's for blacks and white and that's why I like him. He's not for the white particular and not for the black particular. He said we are all one and that he means it. And I believe he means it," she said.

Her daughter says he tried to get Florence registered before and it's excited the whole family.

"I think it's wonderful. I am happy. I am glad that she is going to do it for the first time. It's exciting," said granddaughter Sherry Benbow.

"I am going to vote if I can, if nothing happens to me between now and that time," Washington said.

Washington says every eligible American should register to vote. She also said you should vote for who you want to vote for!

The close of business on October 6 is the last day to register for the November election.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/politics/election2008/candidate-match-game.htm

Laura's Here!

2008-09-26T01:22:00.000+02:00

Laura's here. It's been a pretty incredible two days of catching up. John's headed in tomorrow night and it will be about 14 hours of the Hotchkiss' in Berlin. More on the adventures we've been having after they've left, but I just thought you might enjoy this picture that we took right after an entire tour bus of people finished taking theirs!!!!

The Beauty of Berlin

2008-09-20T23:33:00.001+02:00

I walked out of the gym tonight, which sits directly beneath Berlin's famous TV tower. The fountain outside is new and has hundreds of spouts of water on either side of the walkway, they are like stars covering the ground, bright, white and making the spread of concrete beautiful. I forgot that the gym closes early on Saturday nights (I am not usually at the gym on Saturday night, so I got kicked out about three minutes short of my last speed sprint) so I headed out to the plaza registering about a 10 on the body temperature scale. As I stood at the top of the stairs, watching the starry water dance, and loving the cool, crisp air kissing my cheeks I heard the melody of the Oktoberfest band playing their traditional German music and could hear the faint sounds of people joyfully prosting each other, tonight, the first night of Oktoberfest.

The plaza is covered in teenage punks, all expressing their angst through their sea of non-conformist black clothing, and oh so unique, rainbow shades of hair. It's a beautiful contrast, the shooting stars of water and the sea of black emo around them. I walked through in my very American work out clothes, toward the Oktoberfest celebration and made a turn onto Unter den Linden. The tourist have been ebbing and so the street had room to walk. People were bundled in their fall coats and walking toward the Opera, the Philharmonic or maybe just the Irish Bar at Haksher Markt.

There was nothing special about it. Just a normal walk home from the gym in the cool fall breeze at the beginning of the most magical season that Europe has to offer. I love Berlin. I love the grit, the glamour, the cheap beer and the exorbitant champagne, the people that keep their winter coats out in the summer and the couples who don't seem to know it's cold, I love the energy and the simplicity. It's a city full of paradox and wonder. Living here has simplified my life and complicated it in the same breath. As I walked home tonight, with warm cheeks and cold legs, my heart smiled with sincere and total in loveness, and thought, "I wouldn't have it any other way."

Voting (and help for Voting Overseas)

2008-09-20T11:25:00.002+02:00

I come from a long line of voters. I was raised in a home where neglecting your freedom to vote is often seen as the equivalent of pre-meditated murder. I am not really kidding. I have been forgiven for a lot of things that I thought would be held over my head for the rest of my life. I would be happy to share some of these with you, but most of them, and even the most recent ones seem to all fall in the category of ignorance about something that I have no excuse for being ignorant about, poor financial planning and decisions, or both which combined lead to trouble that you do not want to know about. Most of these debacles end in a conversation which is almost always concluded with the statement, "If you need help just ask for it." My thought is generally one of two things - I didn't realize I needed help and if I did I probably would have been too embarrassed to ask for it. (I have also not been forgiven for things that I thought/hoped might pass - like hiding the phone bills in high school - keep in mind I was hiding them from the woman who worked for Southwestern Bell, I'm pretty sure she has access to them at work.) I can tell you that I would NEVER be forgiven for not voting, nor would I EVER hear the end of it, and you came for dinner you wouldn't either. If you don't believe me, ask any of my friends to tell you the story about the phone bills (they all can.)

Why do I lay my most embarrassing character flaws out for you on the world wide web? Because I would like MORE people to know what an idiot I am? NO. But because often I don't do something because I don't know how or I think it's too hard. I don't do it because I am embarrassed that I don't know how, I don't know who to ask or I am horrified that I have to admit that I don't know and have waited 30 years to ask. Voting locally was one of those issues and it was not until I got involed in the last presidential election that I figured out how to vote locally (that's right - I was past my mid-twenties.)

Please vote. Voting is a freedom that did not come to you easily. As African Americans or as Women our ability to vote is less than a century old. Our nation was established so that we would have this liberty. And it is a liberty, our candidates can say whatever they want about each other and we are left to try to figure out what's true, but that freedom of speech is (no matter how annoying) a luxury that many in the world will never experience. You may not LOVE any candidate, FINE, then write one in, but VOTE. Men died for you to have this freedom, and I agree with my family, your failure to execute that right is a moral offense.

OBVIOUSLY, I prefer that we have educated voters, I prefer that people know platforms and understand what they are voting for and vote beyond two issues. But the truth is, if you will just start voting, that personal involvement and ownership in the process will lead you to become educated and informed. The truth is, if you don't vote, I really don't have any interest in hearing your frustration over the state of anything state, politic or nation related - you have forfeited your right (in my opinion, though your right to freedom of speech is still in place) to have a say. Sure, you can have an opinion, keep it to yourself and leave the rest of us who did the hard work to vote to complain and moan about the state of the union.

So... here it is. Voting overseas is not easy, NPR just did a show on it, and included this website. It does almost everything for you. All you have to do is complete the form and mail:
https://www.overseasvotefoundation.org

Obviously you can go to your local post office, hit the Rock the Vote website, OR ASK FOR HELP. It's OK if you don't understand or don't know how - lots of people don't. Only 64% of the US population voted in the 2004 Presidential election - that means 36% of us never hit the polls. Think of what a difference that might have made in such a close election.

I want to say this also. It is just as OK if you don't know who you want to vote for. I would be happy to help you find some non-partisan reading on both the democratic and republican candidate. Obviously, I am a democrat and I will vote for Obama, but I have really liked John McCain as an independent and do not hate him simply because he is a republican now. I understand if knowing and understanding what the difference between the parties is, and what they stand for (other than abortion and the death penalty) is confusing. I read a lot about it and I feel like I barely understand, but I can give you a little direction in trying to figure out for yourself what you think and who you would like to vote for. Again, do not let ignorance or an embarassment about your ignorance keep you from participating in this VERY important activity.

OK, that's it for now. I do want to say to all of you die-hard Republicans, I am not a swing voter. There will be no forward, article or comment that will change my mind about how I am voting, so please do not send me anything. I love you and completely understand that status of the Supreme Court justices, socialized health care and all of the other issues at hand and I still with all of my heart will vote for Obama. The truth is that I don't think that the responsibility for these issues lies in the Oval Office, I believe that the person in the Oval Office needs to understand that they answer to the American people. That is the kind of president that I am looking for, one that knows and understands the constitution (as well as the parameters of the constitution an the office of president.) Believe me, you will be thankful for this precedent if there is someone in office who does not hold your same religious beliefs, moral values etc. Again, this is not the issue and if you want to more about my thoughts on this let me know, other than that, again, I would love to direct you to some websites that can give you the basics of R vs D as well as the basic differences between O vs McC.

Happy Saturday and Happy Voting!

Mother Teresa on Love

2008-09-19T09:11:00.000+02:00

Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired.
- Mother Teresa

Wow. I have actually never read this and was incredibly convicted again, about not only the tendency of my motive to be selfish, but in it's bright shining moments of relative purity, it is often, easily tired.

Fears

2008-09-19T00:32:00.000+02:00

I've learned a lot since I've been here. I've achieved a lot of goals (learning a language, Africa), I've accomplished some really solid mistakes (financial, emotional) and I've survived. Sarah asked me Monday at lunch if I was nervous about going home... if I felt different or if I was worried about what it would be like. Ummmm, well, I hadn't really thought about it. But now I have and the answer is YES.

I mean when I left my whole life was there, and now my life is spread out all over the world. I have friends who have lost their parents, had babies, gotten married, moved away, moved home, changed jobs, not to mention ones that I've totally lost track of. And what about me? I don't even know how to explain my life here, and I wish that I didn't have to offer it from just my perspective - I want you to be able to see it, because my view is so subjective.

I feel a bit like a 13 year old starting 8th grade after a long summer of traveling. Will people still like me? Will I have friends? Will people be so disappointed in the mistakes I made? Will I be able to communicate the different experiences I have had? Will I feel totally insecure or will I feel like myself? What if I drive my family totally crazy (this is actually likely)?

I am not saying this so that all of you will post your words of reassurance (the only reassurance will be surviving the experience - good or bad), but I share it mostly so that those of you who go through some of the same process of thinking - no matter the situation - know you are not alone.

Love you guys. I'll start seeing your faces about 5 weeks from right this minute.

Brrrrrrrrrrr

2008-09-17T18:47:00.000+02:00

I just thought you might be entertained to know that I am bundled. It's hitting 43 at night here, and only getting into the 50's during the day. The first couple of days it was pretty miserable, but our bodies are adjusting to fall. I was just laughing at myself as I got ready to go to the gym... I am in pants, a long sleeve shirt, a fleece and I thought about adding another fleece. Ridiculous. I am definitely an American in Europe. I am only comforted by the fact that I saw someone today in their winter coat.

Thankfully they are just moments

2008-09-14T00:03:00.000+02:00

Today I slept in (8:00), I spent some time putting things in order. Sarah made me breakfast, we sat and talked, prayed a little bit and then she went to do something and I got dresses in layers with a scarf (first time this year.) After that I checked the weather and CNN, hoping that everyone that I love in Houston and Beaumont were safe - kind of like 24 hour news stalking. And of course with all the "You're staring into the barrel of a gun if you stay" headlines, I felt that kind of weird feeling that if I watched the news enough somehow I had some control over their safety. Odd but true.

OK, so I headed to a little neighborhood in Berlin called Friedrichshain. I met Tori for lunch, and we had the BEST brunch in Berlin. David thinks it's Movenpick, but I am telling you it is 100 Wasser. We drank Prosecco and ate for two hours and talked and caught up. She has been in NYC and our Saturday morning brunches have been on hold and I have MISSED them. We then took a long walk through East Berlin to her new apartment, discovered a 3 story 2nd Hand store and found my outfit for Claire's rehearsal dinner. All I can say is that it is hands down one of the best purchases I have ever made in my life.

It was this beautiful fall day. Sunny, and crisp, the right kind of cold. I was with my dear friend and everything was right with the world. I caught all of my trains and busses right on time and I was early every where I went. For those of you that know me well, that was a total miracle. Not only that but the store by our house had my favorite cheese (DON'T WORRY, it's goat cheese, I don't eat cow dairy.) Ziegenkasse mit honig (goat cheese with honey) it's one of the most delicious things I have ever eaten in my life.

Came home. Had the team over for some Prosecco, grapes, cheese and hang out. Danced with the Vandegriff boys to Mamma Mia and then everyone left and I was here alone. I knew that I either needed to go to the gym or hop on Shan's elliptical, so I decided to throw on Sweet Home Alabama and hit Shan's elliptical for a while. Not my best plan. I mean, I loved the movie and the elliptical was fine. But that movie hurts me. I don't know if it's because it makes me miss home. I don't know if it's because it reinforces the idea that life holds just one great love, or because the fashion in it is so outdated... I just know that it launches me to my top 25 most played playlist on my computer and leaves me with this lump in my throat and thought that at any moment I could burst into tears. It comes in moments, and thankfully they are just moments, but they are so strong and so deep and so sad. And then I start listening to all of these songs that I would listen to on repeat when those sad moments used to last a little longer. Rough.

I have no profound insight, no peppy ending. I listen to Slow Dancing in a Burning Room and though I have some serious distance from how real that song once felt to me, music can bring it back in a moment and I want to sit down on the floor and cry.

Life is a funny little thing, and as much as I don't understand it and I try to control it, I am so deeply thankful that I am not in charge. That God is guiding me and that I am not left to the person that I am in these moments of sad and weak. Heaven only knows WHERE I would end up if I was in charge... or what I would do. Frightening. OK, off to listen to Falling Slowly.

Kindness

2008-09-12T13:12:00.000+02:00

On Monday I got an email from a friend of a friend that works with Palestinians in Lebanon. She said that she had a friend whose family lived here, but were very abusive to her and that she needed help. Naturally, we were prepared to do what we could.

Can I just say that it is not easy to get people help. I cannot imagine being in that situation with an abusive husband, an abusive brother and nowhere to go in a country where I don't really speak the language and your entire cultural community would sell you out. Sure, I can get her into a safe house, but that doesn't create a community, get her a job. Much less to try to figure out how to register her in a new part of the city without being found.

What's even more discouraging is that most of the like minded ministries or organizations that I contacted for help really had no idea who to call or what to do. Thankfully this was not an emergency of the worst kind, we found a hostel run by the YMCA that is relatively inexpensive and she is going to stay there for the weekend while we try to figure the rest out, but even that was not easy work.

I know this is life. I know that this is the world. I am not so naive to think that if someone is in a bad situation you can just snap your finger and blink your eyes and it is all better, but I cannot believe how difficult it is to try to help someone in this kind of situation. I cannot believe how unsympathetic people are, and how slow to react people are. I am not discouraged with the state of the world, but more compelled than ever to try to educate people. As independent as we are, we cannot make it on our own. We need to help each other, we need to stop to consider the people around us and their needs.

I will just say this, if each of us would take a little on then we wouldn't be left with just a few people trying to take care of it all.

I know so many of you reading are in Texas, take a little on. Be kind to people evacuating, give blood, be patient with traffic, don't flip out that you won't get to see your football game, pack a couple extra bottles of water, stop and help someone with a flat tire, open up your home, go down to a shelter with an bag of unnecessary luxury items like chocolate or your favorite homemade snack (chex mix and chex puppy chow??? yummy) and consider the ones that don't get to stay in their homes this weekend as equals... They are just thoughts, but maybe one of them will inspire you to action. Love. Love with all of your heart. Remember, we are all people, we all cook our water the same and we are all on a difficult journey. Wouldn't it be nice if we could make the way a little nicer for the people around us?

Blogging Slacker

2008-09-11T11:17:00.000+02:00

OK, I realize that I have been kind of a slacker lately. I know that part of it is that life here has taken over and I don't have the motivation that I used to to tell you about life here. I think I also realize that I say all the same things, over and over again (just so you know, that's genetic - my Dad does the same thing, but at least HE says it a couple of different ways - not me, I don't even remember that I said it before!!!) and sometimes just get kind of bored with what I have to say... and if I'm bored I am picturing you guys clicking on the link at about 12:00 when you can't sleep for a little help bringing the snooze on.

I have decided though, that I will do a little re-acquaintance and maybe that will help me feel like I can just pop on and tell you what the haps are.

I still listen to songs on repeat, this has not changed in my life in the last 20 years and I do not foresee it changing anytime in the near future. Lately I've been listening to a super cheesy German artist that my friend David introduced me to (he likes super cheesy, admittedly) and there is a song where he sings about how happy is and then tells all the simple little reasons. I listen to that one on repeat a lot, I think it helps my mood! There is another one by a band called Frightened Rabbit that my friend Sandra introduced a group of us to, they have a song called Backwards Walk that I love. There is a worship song called Preserve Me that I have been listening to a lot, and one by the Kings of Leon that I am obsessed with but I won't talk too much about it because not all of the reading audience would love it, but I love it and it has improved my running life in ways that I cannot describe.

I have been running a lot. I have a couple of very distinct motivations. One - I am continuing to try to increase my speed and qualify for the Boston sometime in the next year and a half. I am starting with just trying to finish a half marathon in the right time. Two - the fam is going to San Antonio to run the half portion of the first San Antonio Rock N Roll Marathon! I think it is both funny and great that one of the fun things that we do as a family is run... who would have EVER thought that I would run for quality time with my family? Three - Bridesmaid's Dress (BMD). We're wearing different fantastic little numbers from J Crew, but I have that same feeling you have every time you are in a wedding. You are about to stand in front of a lot of people, in a line of beautiful girls, and though the truth is not an eye will be on you, for your own personal well being it is always best to feel like you look your best. So, the other day I was exhausted and in no mood to go run and I had a sudden vision of the BMD in my mind and I went strait to the gym.

I am also doing circuit training twice a week. This, in and of itself, is funny. I am in the low weights, high reps category. When I say low weights, I mean low weights. I will save this for its own post, but it's hysterical. I have lots of guy friends here that are former athletes, one of them being the previously mentioned friend David, who is continually commenting on the improvement in my triceps and reminding me that I need to focus on the back of my arms or making sure that I am doing the weights I need to do in my shoulders because he can see in my posture that those muscles are weak. Germans. Just say what you mean... I don't know anything about that.

I've officially jumped and invisible language hurdle. I am spending lots of evenings and days in German only conversations with people that can speak English. It shows great patience on their part, but I am finding that it greatly helps me, and I am not having as hard of a time as I used to after hours and hours of German. I definitely find that I am wiped out at the end of the night, but I am also pretty proud of myself too!

My peeps? I spend a lot of time with an amazing friend named Steffi. She is one of my favorite friends here. There is a family in town that has three grown children that I am very close to. I see them whenever I can. their kids are in and out of town, so I get to be the stand in child at the parents house and it generally leaves me with something to look forward with at least one of the kids passing through town once a month or so. I think I've told you guys about Tori, she is my friend from language school, she's from England and I love her. She is working here in Berlin and dating a fantastic guy named David (we like David's around here) and she is a blessing beyond what I can describe.

As for Sarah and me. We are awaiting a third roommate. When something is more concrete I will report back on it. For now, it's just the two of us and we grow both closer and more ridiculous every day, there could not be two more different people in the world and we are learning to REALLY enjoy and celebrate that. She helps me be more positive and less critical, I help her be more cynical and less nice. Just kidding, but only kind of.

I still spend my days and nights looking longingly at every Jack Russell Terrier that passes by. I think that I have worn Sarah down and she seems more open to a dog, especially a smart one. Tori has volunteered to dogsit when I travel... now I just need the dog. There are plenty of people in my life telling me that a dog is the worst desicion I could ever make, so for now, I just look at them and wish I could have one.

I work a lot. I am starting to plan my trip to the states. I'll be there from October 23rd to December 2nd. I need to raise a pretty substantial amount of money while I am there. So that doesn't sound fun, but seeing my friends and family sounds fun. I will be setting foot in Texas almost exactly 1 year and 8 months after I left it. I will say this, that's too long. We're spending more time than ever talking to people and definitely doing lots of recruiting for the spring Africa trip. We are also doing a church retreat next month. A Christmas party in Decemeber and then World Mandate in February, which Lex is flying in for... So it seems like all we do is plan. My favorite. Oh how I love details.

So there you go. Life in a post. Now you're all caught up and I can return to my former ways of rambling on and on about all the same stuff over and over and our relationship will be like it was in the beginning. Thanks for reading along. I am so encouraged by your interest in my life!

Oh yeah - two movie recommendations. We've seen Mamma Mia twice (Sasha, my stylist, said it was a must see and that he didn't stop singing for days after he went) and Sarah and I are working on our duets (we feel bad for the Wicked Soundtrack which doesn't get as much attention as it used to, but you should Sarah's rendition of Take a Chance on Me - unbelievable.) At the recommendation of Anne-Marie and Kendall I watched Lars and the Real Girl and know without a doubt that I am a better person than I was before I watched it. I recommend it for anyone who is human, but especially if you do anything similar to what I do as far as work, it is a really good reminder of how powerful love, especially love at a cost, can be.

Longer Nights and Shorter Days

2008-09-10T17:54:00.000+02:00

It just goes to show that you can dread the changing of the season all that you want, but you cannot stop the passing of time. William and I were out today talking to people and I was coming back to the house around 5 and the sun was setting. My sun, the sun that has been coming up at 4 and not relenting until 10. I had even really noticed how early he was bowing out and then suddenly today in my black pants and my short sleeve sweater, as I shivered and walked down the street, I thought, "Oh no, it's getting darker."

It's true about all of life isn't it? We are no bosses of time and if we do not exploit every minute we are given, we look up and so many of them are gone. Live this say to the fullest, fully in every hour, minute and moment. If you let one pass then fill the next one double. You won't regret it.

John Stewart Show on Sarah Palin

2008-09-08T09:29:00.002+02:00

As An Outsider - The Gym

2008-09-06T12:07:00.000+02:00

Berlin is my home. There is no doubt about it, I love it. I love the city, I love my friends here, I love my apartment, I love my roommates (even the one who left us), I love that you guys come visit us!

However, I am not from here, and there is no mistaking that. I realize this multiple times a day in multiple different ways and often so not share it because it seems trivial or I don't feel like it's worth an entire post, but in truth, I am realizing it is and I think will entertain you guys.

So one thing that has been kind of blaring lately is working out. YES working out is an international concept. People do it everywhere, but HOW they do it is VERY different. Now I could tell you a lot about what I notice that German's do that is so different to me, but we all know that actually, I live here, in their world and I think I am a real weirdo to them.

1) I wear my work out clothes in public. This is a cultural no-no. Seriously. If I get on public transportation, people move away from me (even before the work out.) It is considered UNCLEAN to wear work out clothes in public and I can see it in their eyes, they look at me, cluck their tongues to themselves in their heads, roll their eyes and think, "Americans."

2) Street shoes vs. Gym shoes. Yes, there is a difference. This is strange to me. I understand tennis shoes vs. running shoes, but this comparison is different than what you think. When I walk into the gym everyone is in bright white shiny new shoes, they are like the Diamonds that hang around Snoops neck - blingy, seriously NEW. Then I walk in, in my loved and street worn running shoes. Believe me, no one does NOT notice, I stand out for the shear non-bleach whiteness of my shoes.
People think one of two things:
Either a) I cannot afford new shoes and those have been my gym shoes for the last 12 years and they feel sorry for me OR b) that I am an American and I am wearing the same FILTHY shoes that I traipse on the dirty sidewalk or in the nasty streets into the GYM and I am bringing all that sidewalk/street germy filthiness in with me, then they realize in horror that I probably intend to take those shoes onto the treadmill where there operating room worthy shoes MIGHT one day go and they begin to stare and glare and devise a plan to get me (and my shoes) banned from the gym.

3) I leave the gym after I work out.
I know, I know - EVERYONE leaves the gym after they work out, but here, they don't do it like I do. They go down stairs, shower, get ready and grab their 80 pound gym bag and head into life. I go to my locker, get my purse, splash some water on my face, try to get my hair to lay down flat and head out the door. This of course is perhaps one of the worst possible things that I can do. I haven't quite figured out what all is wrong with this, I just know from the stares and horrified glances that it is wrong, VERY wrong and more than unacceptable, I am beginning to think it might be illegal. To make matters worse, as an act of efficiency I often run into the market like this. Oh, you don't even want to know what that's like. BUT being an American, I know it's my right to leave the gym without showering. I know that I do shower, as well, I wear not only antiperspirant, but deodorant, so I feel like in large part I am doing better than many of the people casting their judgmental glares my way.

So there you go. A moment in the life of me, the cultural outsider. Now wish me luck... I'm headed to the gym.

Sarah Palin/ Anne Kilkenny

2008-09-06T09:44:00.001+02:00

Wow, heard about this on NPR so I looked around a bit. Love her or hate her, this is worth reading. It's very, very rare that a politician running for such a high office has had such recent experience with the average person. It would probably keep a lot more people out of office if they did. Beware, she is NO PRO PALIN ALASKAN.

Disclaimer: There are few cites given, and I don't personally know Anne Kilkenny
and can't vouch for the identity, but the NY Times has interviewed her now.

( Updates on general history are below Anne Kilkenny's letter. )

A note to all by Anne Kilkenny

Dear friends,

So many people have asked me about what I know about Sarah Palin in the
last 2 days that I decided to write something up . . .

Basically, Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton have only 2 things in
common: their gender and their good looks. :)

You have my permission to forward this to your friends/email contacts
with my name and email address attached, but please do not post it on
any websites, as there are too many kooks out there . . .

Thanks,
Anne

[ Note by web_admin: This was already posted on Washington Independent
comments area and was meant by the author to be read by many, but
readers need sourcing. The NY Times has talked with Anne since. ]

ABOUT SARAH PALIN

I am a resident of Wasilla, Alaska. I have known Sarah since 1992.
Everyone here knows Sarah, so it is nothing special to say we are on a
first-name basis. Our children have attended the same schools. Her
father was my child's favorite substitute teacher. I also am on a
first name basis with her parents and mother-in-law. I attended more
City Council meetings during her administration than about 99% of the
residents of the city.

She is enormously popular; in every way she’s like the most popular
girl in middle school. Even men who think she is a poor choice and
won't vote for her can't quit smiling when talking about her because
she is a "babe".

It is astonishing and almost scary how well she can keep a secret. She
kept her most recent pregnancy a secret from her children and parents
for seven months.

She is "pro-life". She recently gave birth to a Down's syndrome baby.
There is no cover-up involved, here; Trig is her baby.

She is energetic and hardworking. She regularly worked out at the gym.

She is savvy. She doesn't take positions; she just "puts things out
there" and if they prove to be popular, then she takes credit.

Her husband works a union job on the North Slope for BP and is a
champion snowmobile racer. Todd Palin’s kind of job is highly
sought-after because of the schedule and high pay. He arranges his
work schedule so he can fish for salmon in Bristol Bay for a month or
so in summer, but by no stretch of the imagination is fishing their
major source of income. Nor has her life-style ever been anything
like that of native Alaskans.

Sarah and her whole family are avid hunters.

She's smart.

Her experience is as mayor of a city with a population of about 5,000
(at the time), and less than 2 years as governor of a state with about
670,000 residents.

During her mayoral administration most of the actual work of running
this small city was turned over to an administrator. She had been
pushed to hire this administrator by party power-brokers after she had
gotten herself into some trouble over precipitous firings which had
given rise to a recall campaign.

Sarah campaigned in Wasilla as a “fiscal conservative”. During her 6
years as Mayor, she increased general government expenditures by over
33%. During those same 6 years the amount of taxes collected by the
City increased by 38%. This was during a period of low inflation
(1996-2002). She reduced progressive property taxes and increased a
regressive sales tax which taxed even food. The tax cuts that she
promoted benefited large corporate property owners way more than they
benefited residents.

The huge increases in tax revenues during her mayoral administration
weren’t enough to fund everything on her wish list though, borrowed
money was needed, too. She inherited a city with zero debt, but left it
with indebtedness of over $22 million. What did Mayor Palin encourage
the voters to borrow money for? Was it the infrastructure that she said
she supported? The sewage treatment plant that the city lacked? or a
new library? No. $1m for a park. $15m-plus for construction of a
multi-use sports complex which she rushed through to build on a piece
of property that the City didn’t even have clear title to, that was
still in litigation 7 yrs later--to the delight of the lawyers
involved! The sports complex itself is a nice addition to the
community but a huge money pit, not the profit-generator she claimed it
would be. She also supported bonds for $5.5m for road projects that
could have been done in 5-7 yrs without any borrowing.

While Mayor, City Hall was extensively remodeled and her office
redecorated more than once.

These are small numbers, but Wasilla is a very small city.

As an oil producer, the high price of oil has created a budget surplus
in Alaska. Rather than invest this surplus in technology that will
make us energy independent and increase efficiency, as Governor she
proposed distribution of this surplus to every individual in the state.

In this time of record state revenues and budget surpluses, she
recommended that the state borrow/bond for road projects, even while
she proposed distribution of surplus state revenues: spend today's
surplus, borrow for needs.

She’s not very tolerant of divergent opinions or open to outside ideas
or compromise. As Mayor, she fought ideas that weren’t generated by
her or her staff. Ideas weren’t evaluated on their merits, but on the
basis of who proposed them.

While Sarah was Mayor of Wasilla she tried to fire our highly respected
City Librarian because the Librarian refused to consider removing from
the library some books that Sarah wanted removed. City residents
rallied to the defense of the City Librarian and against Palin's
attempt at out-and-out censorship, so Palin backed down and withdrew
her termination letter. People who fought her attempt to oust the
Librarian are on her enemies list to this day.

Sarah complained about the “old boy’s club” when she first ran for
Mayor, so what did she bring Wasilla? A new set of "old boys". Palin
fired most of the experienced staff she inherited. At the City and as
Governor she hired or elevated new, inexperienced, obscure people,
creating a staff totally dependent on her for their jobs and eternally
grateful and fiercely loyal--loyal to the point of abusing their power
to further her personal agenda, as she has acknowledged happened in the
case of pressuring the State’s top cop (see below).

As Mayor, Sarah fired Wasilla’s Police Chief because he “intimidated”
her, she told the press. As Governor, her recent firing of Alaska's top
cop has the ring of familiarity about it. He served at her pleasure
and she had every legal right to fire him, but it's pretty clear that
an important factor in her decision to fire him was because he wouldn't
fire her sister's ex-husband, a State Trooper. Under investigation
for abuse of power, she has had to admit that more than 2 dozen
contacts were made between her staff and family to the person that she
later fired, pressuring him to fire her ex-brother-in-law. She tried to
replace the man she fired with a man who she knew had been reprimanded
for sexual harassment; when this caused a public furor, she withdrew
her support.

She has bitten the hand of every person who extended theirs to her in
help. The City Council person who personally escorted her around town
introducing her to voters when she first ran for Wasilla City Council
became one of her first targets when she was later elected Mayor. She
abruptly fired her loyal City Administrator; even people who didn’t
like the guy were stunned by this ruthlessness.

Fear of retribution has kept all of these people from saying anything
publicly about her.

When then-Governor Murkowski was handing out political plums, Sarah got
the best, Chair of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission: one
of the few jobs not in Juneau and one of the best paid. She had no
background in oil & gas issues. Within months of scoring this great
job which paid $122,400/yr, she was complaining in the press about the
high salary. I was told that she hated that job: the commute, the
structured hours, the work. Sarah became aware that a member of this
Commission (who was also the State Chair of the Republican Party)
engaged in unethical behavior on the job. In a gutsy move which some
undoubtedly cautioned her could be political suicide, Sarah solved all
her problems in one fell swoop: got out of the job she hated and
garnered gobs of media attention as the patron saint of ethics and as a
gutsy fighter against the “old boys’ club” when she dramatically quit,
exposing this man’s ethics violations (for which he was fined).

As Mayor, she had her hand stuck out as far as anyone for pork from
Senator Ted Stevens. Lately, she has castigated his pork-barrel
politics and publicly humiliated him. She only opposed the “bridge to
nowhere” after it became clear that it would be unwise not to.

As Governor, she gave the Legislature no direction and budget
guidelines, then made a big grandstand display of line-item vetoing
projects, calling them pork. Public outcry and further legislative
action restored most of these projects--which had been vetoed simply
because she was not aware of their importance--but with the unobservant
she had gained a reputation as “anti-pork”.

She is solidly Republican: no political maverick. The State party
leaders hate her because she has bit them in the back and humiliated
them. Other members of the party object to her self-description as a
fiscal conservative.

Around Wasilla there are people who went to high school with Sarah.
They call her “Sarah Barracuda” because of her unbridled ambition and
predatory ruthlessness. Before she became so powerful, very ugly
stories circulated around town about shenanigans she pulled to be made
point guard on the high school basketball team. When Sarah's
mother-in-law, a highly respected member of the community and
experienced manager, ran for Mayor, Sarah refused to endorse her.

As Governor, she stepped outside of the box and put together of package
of legislation known as “AGIA” that forced the oil companies to march
to the beat of her drum.

Like most Alaskans, she favors drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife
Refuge. She has questioned if the loss of sea ice is linked to
global warming. She campaigned “as a private citizen” against a state
initiaitive that would have either a) protected salmon streams from
pollution from mines, or b) tied up in the courts all mining in the
state (depending on who you listen to). She has pushed the State’s
lawsuit against the Dept. of the Interior’s decision to list polar
bears as threatened species.

McCain is the oldest person to ever run for President; Sarah will be a
heartbeat away from being President.

There has to be literally millions of Americans who are more
knowledgeable and experienced than she.

However, there’s a lot of people who have underestimated her and are
regretting it.

CLAIM VS FACT
•“Hockey mom”: true for a few years
•“PTA mom”: true years ago when her first-born was in elementary
school, not since
•“NRA supporter”: absolutely true
•social conservative: mixed. Opposes gay marriage, BUT vetoed a bill
that would have denied benefits to employees in same-sex relationships
(said she did this because it was unconsitutional).
•pro-creationism: mixed. Supports it, BUT did nothing as Governor to
promote it.
•“Pro-life”: mixed. Knowingly gave birth to a Down’s syndrome baby
BUT declined to call a special legislative session on some pro-life
legislation
•“Experienced”: Some high schools have more students than Wasilla has
residents. Many cities have more residents than the state of Alaska.
No legislative experience other than City Council. Little hands-on
supervisory or managerial experience; needed help of a city
administrator to run town of about 5,000.
•political maverick: not at all
•gutsy: absolutely!
•open & transparent: ??? Good at keeping secrets. Not good at
explaining actions.
•has a developed philosophy of public policy: no
•”a Greenie”: no. Turned Wasilla into a wasteland of big box stores
and disconnected parking lots. Is pro-drilling off-shore and in ANWR.
•fiscal conservative: not by my definition!
•pro-infrastructure: No. Promoted a sports complex and park in a city
without a sewage treatment plant or storm drainage system. Built
streets to early 20th century standards.
•pro-tax relief: Lowered taxes for businesses, increased tax burden on
residents
•pro-small government: No. Oversaw greatest expansion of city
government in Wasilla’s history.
•pro-labor/pro-union. No. Just because her husband works union
doesn’t make her pro-labor. I have seen nothing to support any claim
that she is pro-labor/pro-union.

WHY AM I WRITING THIS?

First, I have long believed in the importance of being an informed
voter. I am a voter registrar. For 10 years I put on student voting
programs in the schools. If you google my name (Anne Kilkenny +
Alaska), you will find references to my participation in local
government, education, and PTA/parent organizations.

Secondly, I've always operated in the belief that "Bad things happen
when good people stay silent". Few people know as much as I do because
few have gone to as many City Council meetings.

Third, I am just a housewife. I don't have a job she can bump me out
of. I don't belong to any organization that she can hurt. But, I am no
fool; she is immensely popular here, and it is likely that this will
cost me somehow in the future: that’s life.

Fourth, she has hated me since back in 1996, when I was one of the 100
or so people who rallied to support the City Librarian against Sarah's
attempt at censorship.

Fifth, I looked around and realized that everybody else was afraid to
say anything because they were somehow vulnerable.

CAVEATS
I am not a statistician. I developed the numbers for the increase in
spending & taxation 2 years ago (when Palin was running for Governor)
from information supplied to me by the Finance Director of the City of
Wasilla, and I can't recall exactly what I adjusted for: did I adjust
for inflation? for population increases? Right now, it is impossible
for a private person to get any info out of City Hall--they are
swamped. So I can't verify my numbers.

You may have noticed that there are various numbers circulating for the
population of Wasilla, ranging from my "about 5,000", up to 9,000. The
day Palin’s selection was announced a city official told me that the
current population is about 7,000. The official 2000 census count was
5,460. I have used about 5,000 because Palin was Mayor from 1996 to
2002, and the city was growing rapidly in the mid-90’s.

Anne Kilkenny
August 31, 2008

=======

UPDATES (relevant articles):
No 'Troopergate' subpoena for Palin - Anchorage Daily News, 9/5/08
Troopergate: Palin's letter re Wooten, 8/10/05 - Alaskan Daily News, 9/5/08 (See page 2)
It's to Colonel Grimes at Alaska Dept of Public Safety.
Wooten tells his side to CNN - 9/5/08
Kilkenny quoted by CNN (9/5/08) as saying "Everybody likes her because she's a real nice person.
She's always been nice to me and everyone in town," Kilkenny told CNN.com.
"I wrote my message in the spirit of providing complete and accurate information. I'm not angry or jealous."
A conversation with Anne Kilkenny - The Daily Journal - 9/4/08
Palin's long-time supporters - NY Times, 9/4/08 (Kilkenny quoted)
Palin's Start in Alaska: Not Politics as Usual - NY Times, 9/3/08.
Documents detail Palin's political life - Politico, 9/2/08.
The Unusual Challenges Palin Faced in Alaska - NY Times, 9/4/08
Original info on Wasilla librarian situation - - Anchorage Daily News - 9/4/08
(No evidence of actual banning of books during her tenure.)
Foes back off on recall - Anchorage Daily News, 2/11/97 (and 9/2/08)
Librarian retains job upon agreement to merge library and museum operations
- Anchorage Daily News - 2/1/97 (and 8/29/08)

REFERENCE:
On the Issues - with quotes
PolitiFact.com page on Palin
Wonderful site: See pages on McCain, Obama, Biden, and Pants-On-Fire rulings.
Their "truth-o-meter" feature includes "detail" links for much more information.
Books and videos

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE:
Palin's Hometown Friends Enjoy the Show - NY Times 9/4/08 - a fun read.
A funny send-up of convention speeches - NY Times 9/4/08, Gail Collins

No... Really, we're grown ups.

2008-09-01T23:12:00.001+02:00

This used to be my signature move. When I say used to, I am talking high school. I wasn't even sure if I could still do it. Don't worry about it - MONEY. Check out that form, I think I may have improved it with age.

For those of you who wonder where in the world I have been the last couple of weeks, I have to tell you that I have been immersed in German and all things German. No really, I am trying to PUSH myself over the language hump. I have been memorizing stuff in German, running in front of German television shows (laughing out loud while running, much to the entertainment of the people around me), listening to a lot of German music, and trying to read about and hour and a half of German a day. Believe me, I need it! I wish you could hear my roommate Sarah. She is really unbelievable at the language and I feel so grateful for all of her help with my own skilz.

I was also temporarily distracted by my friends Anne-Marie and Kendall. I met AM my sophomore year in college one night and we went to IHOP for dinner (we lived in Waco) and talked until 4 in the morning - we've been the best of friends ever since. She has relatively recently moved home from doing the same kind of work that I am doing, but in Sudan. And then Kendall has even more recently moved home from the same thing but in Seattle. They were so refreshing to have here. We laughed and laughed and laughed and then the last night that we were here took an entire series of awkward pictures. This is the only one that was readily available, and I thought you guys might be more forgiving about my silence if you could catch a glimpse of my ridiculousness. So here you go. You may be asking yourself what three grown women were doing in public acting a foul - I would say that my best answer is relieving stress. It was better than yoga.

As for work. Sarah's been working hard trying to administratively get our information together for the spring Africa trip. I am realizing that one of the huge hurdles that we have to climb here is the fund raising. I mean, I am not going to lie, it is not a dream to live off of support. It's not really what your parents dream that you will grow up and do - they hope you will go off the payroll. They do not dream that you will pick a career that they have to contribute monthly to, travel thousands of miles to see you, and then be recruited to come help and be a part of. But hey - what do you do. HOWEVER, it is an even more foreign concept here. When we tell people that the trip will cost in the upwards of 1200 Euros the almost fall over and start laughing at us and kind of choke in unbelief that I think that there is any way they would pay that much or raise that much to go. Having no idea that I have done precisely that for the last 12 years of my life. The hard thing to communicate at this moment is how much THEY will get out of going.

I am realizing that this first trip is HUGE. Even if we only get a few Europeans over this time, them coming back and talking about THEIR experience will be so much more effective than me trying to do it. All of that to say, I would love your thoughts and prayers in this process. That the right group of people would come and that money would come out of the wood work for these people. We are wanting them to raise money from here, to show them that it CAN happen. And so that it can be a part of their own story. I am definitely feeling a little out of control in the recruiting aspect of things due to the fact that I will be in the states for the final push. I am hoping that every person in our church will go but I have also been talking to my old language school teachers, all the guys at my salon, our friends, some friends in England, and anyone who shows any compassion when I mention the poor and needy! So hopefully it will be a super eclectic crew.

We were walking the other day and I saw this sign. It's actually referring to Heidi Klum (I know, I know - welcome to Berlin) but I was so moved by it. There is something in that that moves me. This week has reminded me that we all cook water the same (a little German saying.) I've talked to someone who is waiting to hear back from a doctor on some alarming blood test results, heard from a friend about an acquaintance who is a single mom that has a 9 year old son and was just laid off, and talked to a homeless woman tonight who was sitting in the rain and crying because someone she had lost her umbrella (and like me didn't know it until she needed it.) Haven't we all had that kind of day, where things have been going just wrong enough that the smallest thing just undoes us? Of course I can take an umbrella back to that sweet lady but I can't change her life, I can't give a friend good results on their blood work, or give that acquaintance a job - but I can love. I can step outside of myself and love. I may have moments where I wonder what I've done with my life, what I am doing and if it matters. Do you know what I am realizing? It doesn't really matter. If I did or I didn't I have an amazing opportunity to find my validation in working for love. And I will continue to seek to no matter what. I will fail, get it wrong, get it right and every other thing, but I will keep going and you can to! You don't have to go to Africa to make a difference, you don't have to hang out with the homeless (though you can!) like Mother Teresa said, just love the one in front of you.

One of those moments

2008-08-23T00:39:00.000+02:00

I was walking past the Italian restaurant on the corner today and saw this couple sitting and eating their black pasta and swigging drinks out of the bottle of San Pellegrino. My first thought was, "You know it's been a tough morning when you're drinking it from the bottle..." I laughed at myself and thought, "I ought to drink my Pellegrino from the bottle more often."

The last two mornings as I've walked out the front door of my building I've been met by a very slight coolness, almost undetectable, but it's there. I've fought the sense of panic and dread that overwhelms me when I think about the impending winter. It's a battle, and literally causes my stomach to drop. I've won though. And today as I carried my groceries home I took the long way, because the weather was nice and I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted to drink it in.

I came upon my favorite tree, it always makes me think of Jordan. It's so beautiful and it's branches form these beautiful arches that let their leaves cascade like a waterfall and lightly kiss the path that winds along the Spree. She would love it, and when I see it, I love it on her behalf, somehow warmed and feeling closer to her because of it. I thought about Kaiya's first birthday coming up, and was reminded how quickly time passes. So I slowed down. I walk as if I wish I was running and I realized today that if I was going to take the long way home, soak in the sun, drink from the bottle, I might as well take the time to really enjoy it.

When I was in Uganda we took the hike to the top of Murchison Falls instead of driving. It was so hot, and a fantastic hike. At the land there is this deep red dirt, it infiltrates everything. Your feet quickly sell out where you have been, taking on a lovely henna tone. When we got out of the boat to hit our trail I immediately noticed we were back on standard soil. Or so I thought. As we broke into the light I looked down and stared at the taupe colored dirt that was sparkling under my feet as if it had been coated in diamond dust. I remember standing at the top of Mt. Washington with my Dad and seeing the sun reflect off the snow and thinking it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. Suddenly I find myself in the jungles of Africa hiking up these falls with diamonds under my feet and my stained red feet taking on this brilliant prism effect.

When we finished the hike, we were wet from our hard work, tired from the exertion and hoping that our driver would find his way to us. Not being fantastic at sitting still I began to wander around and followed a monkey to a path I had not seen as we hiked in. Instinctively I followed it out and found myself standing at the top of the falls directly next to what appeared to be the remnant of a bridge. I ran back to get the others and could only talk a couple hikers into joining me. When I went back, I did what I knew I shouldn't. Set out across the rocks and climbed to the top of the bridges base. As I looked out, I stood at the top of the falls, looking down at a rainbow that was reaching his arms across the second tier of the falls. It was one of those moments. Where your breath is gone, where your spirit is so humbled, where the beauty is so overwhelming, the force of nature so great, that you feel so alive and so small. I was exhilarated. I was so thankful that I followed the monkey, and the trail. I was so glad that I trekked across the slippery rocks and up the old foundation. I would have missed one of the most beautiful sights I have seen yet in my life.

I think a lot of life is like that. I wonder how many moments we miss? When we don't drink out of the bottle because of propriety, when we don't soak in the gift of the sun, when we walk so fast that we don't see the tree bending to kiss the ground, and when we let the unfamiliar path and possibility of danger stop us from doing what we know we should do? Probably a lot, but I'm committed to having less with every passing day.

Here I am on top of the falls. The picture doesn't do it justice, but believe me, it was breathtaking.

Sorry... Uganda the final post

2008-08-20T21:38:00.001+02:00

Well I am a bit behind... I didn't mean to be, but Kendall and Anne-Marie came to town, we've been having a lot of LONG meetings about strategy and I have been trying to work on German. I'm reading a book in German, and by book let me be clear - I believe that it is somewhere on the 9-12 years old reading level. I spend a lot of time looking up what the words mean, I personally feel that 9-12 year olds in Germany are using much bigger words than they need to. Geez.

So here's the remnant of the funny stories from Uganda. One is that we caught a pet chameleon. Apparently Tim had had one before, but it got away. His name was Popeye. The second one we originally thought was Popeye, just after a diet... But the more time we spent with him the more we realized that he didn't have the same mad fly-eating skills, among other things. Needless to day we felt the need to re-name it - he became Olive Oyl. I am not sure how the chameleon felt about being trapped on a screen porch staring out at the African bush. Sure or not sure about how it felt, after three days of fun and entertainment with the little one, she escaped and we never saw her again. I guess it's just not right to keep a pet when you're living in the middle of Africa.

There were two major celebrations while we were in Karouma. One was the visit from the mayor and the other was the celebration of the completion of the second orphan home. Robert and David are the foreman and the manager of the project there. Both are wonderful men, but neither drive. I guess you know where I am going with this. Perry came out and chained a couple of tires to the top of the van, Tim tossed me the keys and off we went. The blond headed white girl, chauffeuring Robert and David through Karouma. It was so fun, Robert kept saying, "Remeber left is right, I mean, the left hand side is the right side to drive on." I encountered some different road obstacles than I was used to, giant rocks, 5 foot wide potholes and baboons. There were also scooter drivers, buses, soldiers carrying rocket launchers and unstable bridges over beautiful waterfalls. You know, just like a quick off-road in the Texas hill country. It was on this drive that Robert asked me what we would do for food in Berlin if we didn't have a market. I had a mental picture of me trying to grow an entire garden in my flat!!!

The other pretty hysterical part of this expedition, beside the fact that we could not seem to find any Coke in the entire village due to the fact that the man that ran the Coke monopoly had not re-ordered his supply. (Keep in mind the village is perhaps 2000 people and the supplier is supplying people less than half a mile with a couple cases of coke a week.) Now keep in mind we pop up to the little places and I park the car, walk behind the boys and then carry anything that they buy back to the car. They thought that people must think it was so funny, this little white girl at their beck and call. When we could not find any Coke we headed an hour up the road to Kamdini, me driving, the gentlemen guiding me the whole way (white knuckled no less.) When we got to Kamdini I realized that not only were we there to buy Coke, but six chickens. So, we are standing outside the Coke distributor and the next thing you know Robert hands me a couple of upside down chickens (tied together at the feet) I grab them - while one is reaching violently for my hand with his beak, and then quickly hands me a couple of more for my other hand and asks me which ones we should get. Keep in mind I am a vegetarian trying to decide which chickens to lead to the slaughter (I picked the ones on the left.)

There were so many other hysterical encounters, like when Nidti told Sarah that I was very funny, but that Sarah hand washed clothes much better than me. Or when I was plucking the chickens with Jennifer and I asked her what I was doing wrong and why it was taking me so long to pluck my chicken - she replied with something to the effect of - "Well you are plucking the chicken like you are afraid of him, he's dead, see - his head is over there." We ran into a guy in Kampala who for some reason started speaking to us in German, I guess as the white people on the street there was a good chance we spoke some German.

It has been a rapid and crazy transition back. I, as usual, was so sad to leave Africa. I definitely wanted to move there. I did find myself thrilled to be back here and loving being home. It is an odd transition back into the first world and I feel more thankful than ever and can definitely chuckle to myself when I think of putting Robert or David in the middle of all of this.

Thanks for following my journey and being a part of the story. I am more passionate than ever before about getting people from the first world connected with people from the third world. It's healing for all of our souls!

A Combination of Days

2008-08-12T22:23:00.001+02:00

I realize that I can't bring you there with me. I can't with all the words and details that I have give you the experience in Africa that I had. I want to. And for those of you who know me well, you know that I will try. The hard thing is that when I really want to express something it feels like words fail me and I re-read what I have written and it seems so dry. So today I am just going to tell you some of what I felt, what I saw, what jacked with my paradigm and hope that somehow it touches you the way it touched me.

Here's the deal. Life in Africa is hard. I mean I know that. But I've been in Morocco, Tunisia, South Africa. Central Africa is the real deal. Like, nothing modern. I am not talking about electricity or running water I am talking about life. When you walk through the market you are followed by thirty kids with bloated bellied, filthy feet, 4th generation clothes precariously pinned rather ineffectively to their bodies, staring openly out of curiosity. You can buy eggs if you bring your own crate, you can buy a bag to put vegetables in, but there are not a lot of vegetables there - just enough for you to make due if something happened to your crop and you happen to have to go buy some. They sell beans in bulk, rice and corn flour... but the rest you should be able to get on your own land. There are goats and chickens in the market, not a lot of dogs because people can't afford them.
We ran into children that had never seen white people and definitely were either too terrified to move or ran away crying. There were children everywhere, it was hard to know which of them had parents, there were lots of tiny children with tiny babies papoosed to their backs. They were not begging, they were not selling, simply following you everywhere you went. It was so strange. It was also heartbreaking. As I bought black beans, tomatoes, onion, bananas, crates and crates of eggs, flour, corn flour, rice, beans and looked for coke, knowing I was surrounded by children who may have never eaten such and extravagant meal with so many different ingredients, and certainly not as much as we would be serving. It was very humbling.

I also realized at some point that by the time the workers on the land at RG had made the minimum of thirty minute walk into RG from Karouma they had already gotten up, done what they needed to at home, fed their children, prepared for the evening and walked into work. They then worked hard labor for the entire day in the blazing sun and then at 5:30 walked another half hour home to take advantage of the last hour of daylight to cook dinner, wash their kids up, get their house clean and gather whatever they needed for the next day, because once daylight is gone your capacities are significantly limited.

I think that realizing all of that in light of the fact that most of these people thought that this situation would be temporary. That their stint in Karouma or Kamdini was surely going to be short until Gulu and their children were safe. It was wild to me to see 8 month pregnant women working in the fields, mothers of 4 who were working at RG as one of their jobs, and just the overall harshness of the life that has to be lived for simple survival. It was very impacting and created a deep thankfulness in me for the gift of being born in a 1st world country where mosquitos are not the #1 killer on the nation (because of Malaria.)

I will say again that the powerful thing that the Ugandans have is an unbelievable hospitality and an innate sense of joy. There is a sincere and exuberant chosen passion that they live life with. They love sharing that joy and that passion with the people around them and it is in fact very infectious. It was so fun to watch them worship in the morning, play soccer at lunch, gather for tea and then take the same relational connection straight back to work with them!!!It brought me so much joy.

OK, enough. For real, tomorrow I will tell some of the funny stories.

Our first day at Restoration Gateway - aka RG

2008-08-11T17:53:00.001+02:00

The first thing I noticed waking up in Kampala was that it was just barely light at 6:30. The sky had that dark blue tint that lets you know that you are not going to be able to really see until 7:00. So different than waking up in Berlin at 4:30 to bright light and sunshine!

I have to admit as well that it was much cooler in Kampala than it had been in Berlin the previous week. The weather was delightful. We got up, read a little and "got ready" which we did TIA style (This Is Africa) - meaning that we pulled out hair back and washed our faces. Uganda standard of dress is a little different than Berlin, we made sure we were in at least short sleeve shirts and clothing below our knees for the most part. Thankfully because the weather was so great we were perfectly content with that standard.

We had a wonderful breakfast served to us in the garden. An omlette with toast and plum jam. Some pretty intense Nescafe with powdered milk... definitely a little shift in the coffee culture! We packed up the van and headed to Northern Uganda. The place we were was outside a village called Karouma (this is the village where the LRA has historically always crossed to move south) just south of Gulu. The drive there was no joke. 5 hours of pretty incredible traffic and roads that my father would be suing the government over. We switched back and forth between dirt roads with ferocious pot holes and highway with gargantuan craters about every 5 yards. We passed huge flatbeds crammed with cattle, a million motorcycles, brightly dressed women carrying their goods perfectly balanced on their heads and various sundry of travelers.

We drove through lunch, which made me thankful for the morning's big breakfast. We just stopped once for a little roadside bathroom break and jumped back in the car. When we got to Kamdini we stopped for some fresh produce, Mango, Pineapple, Bananas, Green Oranges (seriously) and a few Tomatoes. It was mass chaos at the market. Definitely had that aggressive African feel, where everyone presses against you and tells you a million times why their product is sooooo much better than the exact same one the person next to you is offering. Pretty funny.

When we finally got out to the land, we were ready to be on solid ground. Let me just tell you that RG definitely qualifies as the middle of nowhere. It is the bush. There is nothing there. It's pretty incredible to think that a year and a half ago there was less than nothing there. Now there are 2 permanent structures, one for brick making and one that serves as housing for 2 families and one single worker, as well as a meeting place for the workers. The McCalls live in a double decker shipping container that we stayed on the bottom of. They screened in the second portion of their living quarters and you can sit protected from the bugs in the morning and the evening. They were told that there was no water on the land, they have tapped two wells that produce infinitely more water than they need for the land. Two orphan homes are completed, 5 more nearly done and crops of all kinds planted everywhere. There are pigs and chickens running amuck with the lizards, frogs, pythons and land monitors. The day that we got there there was a python feast as one 8 footer had been killed the day before, so we ate python stew for days.

I can tell you that of all the third world traveling I have done, though RG is primitive, and hardly luxurious, it is a wonderful place and hardly difficult living in comparison to my experience in Haiti or Mongolia. The land is perched beautifully overlooking the Nile just North of Karouma Falls. That first night we supplemented our Python stew with a little RG dinner (beans and rice.) As the sun set life settles down. It is truly a life that revolves around daylight. We rushed to get dishes gathered and washed before we lost the last light of day. Our motivation in getting the dishes washed in time is the infestation of huge black ants that come in after dark and seem to come 11ty billion times more when you leave any remnant of food in a dish. When we finished dishes we would boil some water and sit on the McCalls porch and watch the fire flies dance in the night. I have never seen so many fireflies in all of my life. It was magical. As well, you could see for hundreds and hundreds of miles across the plains, so every night there was a beautiful lightening show. When we decided it was time for bed (8:30 or 9 - I read two books while were there due to my inability to sleep a normal amount of hours) we would walk outside and look up and the brightest, most full starry sky I have ever seen in my life, complete with vibrant Milky Way. It was simple, and breathtaking. The perfect way to end a day.

Tomorrow, our first work day at RG. Get ready to laugh.

Restoration Gateway - Northern Uganda

2008-08-10T23:09:00.000+02:00

I am not sure how to tell the stories that resonate in my heart. All I know to say is that I want to try to share with you, not so that you will know how my trip went, but so maybe you will be as moved by these people and their stories as I was. And of course, comedy followed everywhere we went, so you should have a couple of good smiles at some of the things that were said to us.

It is a long trip to central Africa, which is literally only one hour ahead of us. You feel like if you are going to make such a long trip you should at least get the reward of some huge time difference. Not the case. We left our apartment at about 4:30 to head to Templehof airport, when we got there the cab driver asked if we were sure the airport was open... he also asked if we were flying by private jet. It was and we were not. We were however flying Brussels Air whom I forgot to notify about my Vegan ways, so it was a long, hungry day for me. Note to self - when traveling on a long flight be sure to let them know when you have weird food deals.

We arrived at Entebbe outside of Kampala around 10pm after a quick stop in Rwanda. A man that the McCalls work with in Karouma named Dr. Peter came and picked us up. I need to be honest, I did have this moment of internal and private panic that perhaps no one was going to be there and we were going to be stuck outside of Kampala with no plan in the middle of the night. Thankfully he was there and drove us joyfully for almost an hour into Kampala. Where we stayed at a hotel for the evening and then traveled the rest of the way to outside of Karouma the next morning.

I love Africa. I know that, but there is something in me that comes alive there. This is my first Central Africa experience, I have been North and South, but I am deeply thankful to have now experienced the heart. It's fantastic going from Europe to Africa. It's like flip flopping cultures. In Europe it takes a little time to get into people's hearts, once you're in, you're in. In Africa you get people's hearts right away, but it's hard to know how deep in you are. I have to admit though, it's nice to feel soooo welcome by everyone at every turn. From the minute we walked off the place there were huge smiles and a million, "you are welcome"s to greet us.

The drive to Kampala with Peter was wonderful. He loaded our stuff up in his all terrain SUV (we don't get a lot of over-sized cars around here) and we headed off down the chaos of the African roads. The Brittish left their influence on the road system there, we headed over to the left hand side of the road and made our way into the city. We passed goats, people, bikes, cars and a million motorcycles. It was noisy and polluted, people driving with their brights on, barely missing each other and gloriously peaceful about all of the controlled chaos.

As we drove Peter shared with us about meeting his wife and how he had always thought of himself as the last person he knew that would ever get married. He told us about his hospital projects all over Africa. He told us to give to the people and let them give to us, because it is better to give than to receive and we should not let them be robbed of that blessing. He reminded us that they me traumatized by war and displacement, but they are still normal people struggling with loneliness, love and life. He told us that 80% of the men that he finished medical school with were either gone from Uganda or dead. He explained that was why he felt called to stay there, because there would be no hope for Uganda if everyone left and no one stayed to rebuild. He said that changing the country was not as easy as handing someone a cookie and giving them pat answers, that they needed to be taught skills and have the freedom to ask the hard questions like, "why have we suffered so much?" He told us in an incredibly humble and non pretentious way that he has resolved himself with the real possibility of his own death, he explained, "Life is knocking me down everyday, like it is knocking everyone else down, but I have resolved the issue of death and so now I just have fun and enjoy life."

I am not sure that I can explain how privileged Sarah and I felt to have that time with Peter. He is 29 years old, has already changed the world with his life and while we were in Uganda he found out that he had been accepted to MIT on special terms. He applied and sent a proposal for overhauling the Ugandan medical system. They thought is was brilliant and have designed a special program for him where he will go back and forth between school and Uganda getting a PhD and developing a working plan to see his dream come to pass. He has done so much for the Restoration Gateway project and for the teams that come to Karouma, but his heart and his passion for his people were what impacted me the most. That and his story about how he and his wife ended up together... I felt a little like he was partially trying to tell me to not be so skeptical about marriage.

When we arrived in Kampala our hotel room wasn't ready so we were ushered into a holding room. I got out my phone and texted our families that we were there and OK. I think we finally crawled into bed around 12:30. Exhausted, but inspired and anticipating what RG had for us and excited to work with the workers there and get our hands dirty in the red Ugandan dirt. We felt honored to be there and knew we were about to be irrevocably changed, in some ways I think we knew that our simple ride with Peter had already begun a transformation in us and that the best was yet to come.

The picture that you see on the bottom right here is a child in Karouma. He is eating Styrofoam... because it will fill him stomach for a long, long time due to the extreme difficulty the body has in breaking Styrofoam down. The poverty of the people and the dire poverty of their condition is heart breaking. I just wanted you to be able to see in as much as I am able to show you the desperation of the situation. These people are worth our time, energy and concern. I felt deeply honored to be a part.

Tomorrow - Day 2.

We're Home!

2008-08-10T17:15:00.000+02:00

Hi everyone. We are home, happy and missing the African bush. After flying through the night yesterday we're pretty wiped out. Sarah made it to church this morning but I did not. Sad, because we have really missed our friends here. I am working on a day by day post of the trip, so that you can pick and choose what you want to read, but I want you all to get to be a part of the wonderful experience that we had. I hope you are well and am looking forward to being back in touch after a few months of constant travel!

Living the dream...

2008-07-31T01:13:00.000+02:00

Headed to Uganda, back the 9th. Talk to you then!!!

Fat Tire Bike Tours Berlin and Praying Mantis'

2008-07-26T13:46:00.002+02:00

I know, I know. It is in fact embarrassing how often I take people on the bike tour. Here's the deal though, I am terrible with details and they know them already. I can walk you around the city for four hours and show you more than they do, but you risk knowing whether the information I give you is true or not. (the picture to the right is Jamie - aka Mimers giving me a Mantis hug while we are waiting for Obama)

I have to say this as well... As weird as they must think that I am there (I am not sure my job really translates - even to English) they are so nice to me and always act like I am a friend when I come in. I feel like I should tell you as well that they are really, really good at what they do. I had a tour guide that I had never had before (I was nervous, I think Marielle is really great and LOVED Randall - they have the perfect amount of cynical sass) and he was wonderful and we definitely gave him a run for his money. We sang the entire time, did a Vegas like show for the other participants at lunch and re-named him Peaches. Really, we couldn't remember his name and said, "Hey Peaches, what's your name?" To which he replied, "you can call me Peaches." So we did, and by the end, everyone was calling him Peaches.All this to say, if you are in ANY city that has one - DO IT. DO IT NOW. No for real - it is a great way to get the basic history of a city, a lot of fun and an easy way to get an accurate history of the city. And I have yet to have a tour guide I wouldn't want to hang out with in my free time, and I think we all know that there aren't that many tour guides that you feel that way about.This picture of Ingo (aka Peaches) who took quite nicely to doing the Mandadore, and Sandra (aka Mantis) John, Jamie and Me as Manadore as well.

Next... Yes, yes I did go and see Obama. I will tell you more about it later, but it was a great privilege and I thought he did a fantastic job speaking to a city that is not so pro-American. I loved the opportunity to be there and loved being there with John, Jamie and Sandra.

This picture is of the Mantis and the Manadore in front of Zoo Station. We lived life like it was a musical. Singing our way through the streets of Berlin. It was so fun. You should all come do it! I am headed to a team retreat Monday and Uganda Thursday. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I am also including a little video of the song that gets stuck in my head every time I talk about going to Uganda.

The Ostsee

2008-07-02T23:23:00.001+02:00

So, we went to the Ostsee. I have to admit that I was skeptical. I kind of pictured Galveston, only German, so maybe a little bit better. WRONG, it was beautiful, quaint, friendly, not over-priced and so refreshing!

We went as kind of a last time trip. Shannon is leaving Germany a few days after our international conference, and of course I am going a week early to help prepare and Sarah is staying a week late to close up the finances, so basically poor Shannon only had one option for her last time weekend. But it was the perfect one.

Just so everyone knows the weekend started by me dropping a large piece of plywood on my toes and one of them bleeding for a couple of hours. They are now a lovely shade of deep blue-ish. To try to distract from the color of the bruise I have painted my toe nails a beautiful shade of what I can only describe as peacock. I think it's helping.

We watched the game with a VERY laid back crowd compared what we are used to in Berlin. Had a wonderful dinner of some fish that I have no idea what it was (I am apparently not fluent in fish - with my new vegetarian status I am going to need to brush up on that one.) We watched the game late into the night, and mourned with all of Germany when the game was over.

The next day we woke up to fierce wind and cloudy skies, we did not feel hopeful. We went down for our complimentary breakfast. Let me just say this, when you do not eat meat and dairy there is not a lot for you for breakfast in Germany. Thankfully I am creative and did not starve, I had NO idea this whole deal was going to be this logistically difficult.

Afterward we gave our extra stuff to the front desk and marched down to the beach full of courage, but not much hope. Shannon declared it didn't matter what she was going to make the beach happen, Sarah was in a sweater and jeans so it was fine with her, just I was shivering and dreading the thought of being beaten by wind whipped sand the whole day.

In a moment of sheer genius we paid 7 euros and rented two beach baskets and when we sat in them it was as if all the wind was gone and it was a perfect sunny day on the Baltic. The water was WAY too cold to get in, but we put our toes in it (ish) and felt proud that we gave it that much. We went our separate ways for lunch and I came back with soup and a tomato sandwich, soup is a pretty hysterical food item to picnic on the beach with. I must have eaten the equivalent of three spoonfuls of sand.

Sarah got bored about 3/4 of the way through and asked if she could bury me in the sand... This is a picture of me waiting for her to get off the phone so that she could finish burying me. Please note the beach baskets in the back ground.

We meandered into town and had a little afternoon snack before heading into Rostock a little early to grab some dinner at a delicious Greek restaurant and catch our train back to Berlin. Shannon and ironically sweater clad Sarah were crispy red... I was enjoying the Native American in my mothers jeans! It was a sad trip home, knowing we were coming back to the beginning of this stage of endings. Shannon and Sarah are by far the calmer, and kinder of the three of us, but the last year has given me two of the dearest and most true friends of my life and the thought of the three being two is a lot to handle in some moments.
We have laughed our way through many tears, heartaches and fears and proven that three is in fact, not a crowd.

Really?

2008-07-02T16:55:00.001+02:00

This is the kind of wraps up why being single can be a nightmare, because you are forced to deal with guys like Dmitri.
http://www.misanthropytoday.com/2008/06/27/olga-and-dmitri-funny-voicemail/