OK this is it.
Here's the fun blog - www.stephjohnson.wordpress.com
Here's the private blog - www.stephljohnson.wordpress.com
I am taking this blog down this weekend. If you want to read the private blog, post a comment or shoot me an email! Thanks for following. The best is yet to come!!!
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Blog Thoughts
So, I am working on my budget and waiting on some info from my home office regarding a couple major pieces to plug in before I am done... So I thought I would do a little updating.
Here's the deal. I got a note from my family, who are always looking out for my best interest, often more than I am... and they encouraged me to think through the Blog and what I am posting on it. This suggestion did not surprise me for - for multiple reasons. One - they have a point, it's not always best when applying for a job to have that kind of info on line (let's be honest though, it's generally stuff that I would share anyway if not up front - eventually, and I probably wouldn't want to work for someone who wouldn't be OK with it if they knew it.) Two - They are a different generation, and though they seem to read the Blog I am not sure how much they love the philosophy of posting anything about your personal life online for the free world to read. Not to say a lot of people in my generation are, but it's more common and socially acceptable for sure. 3 - It's just not at all their style.
So one of the bits of perspective they offered was that if I thought it was therapeutic for me, I should talk to my therapist and see what they thought. Well, I don't really do it because I find it therapeutic, not to say that it isn't - perhaps it is, but I do have a private blog that I write much more intimate and different stuff on and that one is my more therapeutic and abstract and creative one... This one I have kind of seen as the one bringing people along with me and letting them know my process and for those of you that it has spoken to, kind of using it as a place to say if I can do it, you can do it. It's clear that I have struggled the whole time with what my voice should be here... I get consistent reminders from home that this is public, our family reads it etc. And to be honest, I really hate that I have to write with that consideration in mind. I've stated that before. If you don't want to read this, don't. However, they have a point and so I find myself kind of steered by that.
I am also steered by the emails that I get from you guys telling me how much something I shared meant to you. How much my honesty has liberated you or made you feel like something you've kept secret and hidden didn't need to remain in the shadows. THAT IS WHY I WRITE HERE - I want people to not feel alone. I want to help people who have felt the same anxiety, panic and fear as me that maybe we have screwed our lives up beyond repair, or that we are alone, or simply the occasional reminder that the world is an incredibly funny place.
So, my therapist suggested a happy medium. This blog was originally called Cricket in Berlin. I am no longer in Berlin, and I am not sure when I will head back, but for sure this stage of my life is over. At the end of this week I will take this Blog completely private. That way I will not lose the writing, and if someone wants access to something on it, like the ADHD post or the Marathon post which are hands down the two most read and commented on - and two I might consider re-posting in a different location - you can ask for an invitation and I will send it to you, but then I will have control who has access to the information.
THEN I will create one public blog. There I will post my photos, adventures, musings, music, links etc. I will also edit my private blog, re-post the edited version and maintain it with my more personal musings and anyone who is interested in reading that one can contact me and I'll send you an invitation. That way there is some control over who is reading that, and I do not have to cater to a reading audience, anyone who asks for an invitation to that one knows what they are getting into. Seems like a good idea to me.
I want to continue to develop my writing, and the ability to write in the moment and be totally forthright feels crucial to me - but at some level, my family is right, that is not something that the WWW should have the honor or possibility to read.
So there you go. That's the big news. And there are some people in Austin, TX breathing a big sigh of relief right now.
Back to my budget. Shoot me now.
Here's the deal. I got a note from my family, who are always looking out for my best interest, often more than I am... and they encouraged me to think through the Blog and what I am posting on it. This suggestion did not surprise me for - for multiple reasons. One - they have a point, it's not always best when applying for a job to have that kind of info on line (let's be honest though, it's generally stuff that I would share anyway if not up front - eventually, and I probably wouldn't want to work for someone who wouldn't be OK with it if they knew it.) Two - They are a different generation, and though they seem to read the Blog I am not sure how much they love the philosophy of posting anything about your personal life online for the free world to read. Not to say a lot of people in my generation are, but it's more common and socially acceptable for sure. 3 - It's just not at all their style.
So one of the bits of perspective they offered was that if I thought it was therapeutic for me, I should talk to my therapist and see what they thought. Well, I don't really do it because I find it therapeutic, not to say that it isn't - perhaps it is, but I do have a private blog that I write much more intimate and different stuff on and that one is my more therapeutic and abstract and creative one... This one I have kind of seen as the one bringing people along with me and letting them know my process and for those of you that it has spoken to, kind of using it as a place to say if I can do it, you can do it. It's clear that I have struggled the whole time with what my voice should be here... I get consistent reminders from home that this is public, our family reads it etc. And to be honest, I really hate that I have to write with that consideration in mind. I've stated that before. If you don't want to read this, don't. However, they have a point and so I find myself kind of steered by that.
I am also steered by the emails that I get from you guys telling me how much something I shared meant to you. How much my honesty has liberated you or made you feel like something you've kept secret and hidden didn't need to remain in the shadows. THAT IS WHY I WRITE HERE - I want people to not feel alone. I want to help people who have felt the same anxiety, panic and fear as me that maybe we have screwed our lives up beyond repair, or that we are alone, or simply the occasional reminder that the world is an incredibly funny place.
So, my therapist suggested a happy medium. This blog was originally called Cricket in Berlin. I am no longer in Berlin, and I am not sure when I will head back, but for sure this stage of my life is over. At the end of this week I will take this Blog completely private. That way I will not lose the writing, and if someone wants access to something on it, like the ADHD post or the Marathon post which are hands down the two most read and commented on - and two I might consider re-posting in a different location - you can ask for an invitation and I will send it to you, but then I will have control who has access to the information.
THEN I will create one public blog. There I will post my photos, adventures, musings, music, links etc. I will also edit my private blog, re-post the edited version and maintain it with my more personal musings and anyone who is interested in reading that one can contact me and I'll send you an invitation. That way there is some control over who is reading that, and I do not have to cater to a reading audience, anyone who asks for an invitation to that one knows what they are getting into. Seems like a good idea to me.
I want to continue to develop my writing, and the ability to write in the moment and be totally forthright feels crucial to me - but at some level, my family is right, that is not something that the WWW should have the honor or possibility to read.
So there you go. That's the big news. And there are some people in Austin, TX breathing a big sigh of relief right now.
Back to my budget. Shoot me now.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Life is a Process - dealing with the potential of ADD/ADHD
So I realize that this is the kind of stuff that people don't really talk about. I need to say that I am not really sure what to say or what to share, but I figure I'll just bring you in, and let you journey with me as I get closer to being diagnosed.
So I've had a bunch of appointments... You guys probably wonder what that means. Well let me clarify. I am meeting (as I've said before) with a few different people. One is a couple that's talking me through the Berlin experience. One is a counselor that works out of a church in town that is meeting with me as outside perspective and as he describes it, "A safe place to honestly vent." He has been a dream. I call Waco once a week and check in with Vicki, who has been counseling me for the last decade. As well, I talk to William and Sheila in Berlin weekly (that's the goal, we didn't make it this week.) Needless to say, I feel a bit like an over-stimulated child. For those of you that are really perceptive, you are right, I did not even mention Dr. Stone who is doing my ADD/ADHD testing.
So let's talk about that. It's hysterical. I feel like a kindergartner. He says words and I tell him what they mean. He says names or art and I tell him what they are (if I know - definitely missed the lady who invented penicillin - I mean, we don't even use it anymore.) He says numbers in increasing speed and I add the last two together. He shows me pictures of blocks and I try to replicate them. He taps blocks and I am supposed to tap them too, only backward. He tells me stories and shows me pictures, takes me through different activities and asks me to recite them or recognize them an hour later. Eeek. We talked for a long, long time about my past and process. My Dad wrote him a long letter and sent some of my tests from when I was younger. And that's an overview.
This week, I met the Dr. to drop off a check (hard swallow - this is not inexpensive testing - BIG EEK) and we visited for a bit. We talked about who in our lives should have a significant influence or voice and who shouldn't. We talked about one of the opportunities that has been afforded to Dr. Stone in meeting with me over a longer amount of time instead of quickly. One of the things that he said was that he could see how trying to function practically with the way my brain works must be horrible, especially working with people and hating how my seeming inability to cope with practical life must affect them. He re-affirmed that coming home was the absolute right thing to do. Then he told me the harder news. He's not ready to issue the final diagnosis, but that the hard thing is that ADHD in my instance will probably be lifelong. For a while we've been talking about the hope that 2 years of medication would kind of click things into place, but he seems to think that we're looking at a bit more of a long term issue. As I broke down crying (the first time in any of our meetings) he assured me that there is some hope. That we are going to do about four more hours of testing and then we are going to get about the business of coping with the diagnosis.
It hit me a little harder than I thought. For a couple of reasons. I feel like most people go to their general practicioner and tell them they are distracted and get Aderall and then they talk about how much better their life is. Of course those people have generally not made the mess of their lives that I have. I go to this Harvard PhD who affirms for me how jacked my brain is and keeps promising me long years of hard work to learn to adapt and cope in a healthy and helpful way. He did also look at me with heartfelt care and tell me that I have so much potential and that there is hope. And then reassured me one more time it was so right that I came back to face this.
So that's where we stand today. The reality sinking in. My eyes have stayed moist. Pastor Varrengia told me today that as reality sinks in it will feel more emotional but that as that happens, I will get to a place where I can cope with my new reality and move forward from that place. "Chin up" right? I am not sure why there was some silly part of me that wanted Dr. Stone to say, you're being dramatic and irresponsible and you need to shape up and stop being lazy and work harder; There's nothing wrong with you. For some reason, there's something really wrong with you felt a bit harder to swallow. And to have a professional validate that they can see why things feel horrible... was both comforting and equally so painfully difficult.
So that's where we are. Next appointment Tuesday. I'll keep you updated. Here's the moral of the story. If you have a child or a teenager - OR ADULT - GO GET THEM TESTED. It's not worth it to wait. SOONER IS BETTER. If you are not sure go to the American Psychological Association Website here is their page on ADHD. This sight was also really helpful. Of course, all people have some issues paying attention or getting distracted, but look at life cues... Emotional over-reaction, financial issues, increasing inability to stay "on top" of things. Let's work to take the stigma out of these kinds of discorders and help the people in our lives get the help that they need as quickly as possible.
Thanks for reading along.
So I've had a bunch of appointments... You guys probably wonder what that means. Well let me clarify. I am meeting (as I've said before) with a few different people. One is a couple that's talking me through the Berlin experience. One is a counselor that works out of a church in town that is meeting with me as outside perspective and as he describes it, "A safe place to honestly vent." He has been a dream. I call Waco once a week and check in with Vicki, who has been counseling me for the last decade. As well, I talk to William and Sheila in Berlin weekly (that's the goal, we didn't make it this week.) Needless to say, I feel a bit like an over-stimulated child. For those of you that are really perceptive, you are right, I did not even mention Dr. Stone who is doing my ADD/ADHD testing.
So let's talk about that. It's hysterical. I feel like a kindergartner. He says words and I tell him what they mean. He says names or art and I tell him what they are (if I know - definitely missed the lady who invented penicillin - I mean, we don't even use it anymore.) He says numbers in increasing speed and I add the last two together. He shows me pictures of blocks and I try to replicate them. He taps blocks and I am supposed to tap them too, only backward. He tells me stories and shows me pictures, takes me through different activities and asks me to recite them or recognize them an hour later. Eeek. We talked for a long, long time about my past and process. My Dad wrote him a long letter and sent some of my tests from when I was younger. And that's an overview.
This week, I met the Dr. to drop off a check (hard swallow - this is not inexpensive testing - BIG EEK) and we visited for a bit. We talked about who in our lives should have a significant influence or voice and who shouldn't. We talked about one of the opportunities that has been afforded to Dr. Stone in meeting with me over a longer amount of time instead of quickly. One of the things that he said was that he could see how trying to function practically with the way my brain works must be horrible, especially working with people and hating how my seeming inability to cope with practical life must affect them. He re-affirmed that coming home was the absolute right thing to do. Then he told me the harder news. He's not ready to issue the final diagnosis, but that the hard thing is that ADHD in my instance will probably be lifelong. For a while we've been talking about the hope that 2 years of medication would kind of click things into place, but he seems to think that we're looking at a bit more of a long term issue. As I broke down crying (the first time in any of our meetings) he assured me that there is some hope. That we are going to do about four more hours of testing and then we are going to get about the business of coping with the diagnosis.
It hit me a little harder than I thought. For a couple of reasons. I feel like most people go to their general practicioner and tell them they are distracted and get Aderall and then they talk about how much better their life is. Of course those people have generally not made the mess of their lives that I have. I go to this Harvard PhD who affirms for me how jacked my brain is and keeps promising me long years of hard work to learn to adapt and cope in a healthy and helpful way. He did also look at me with heartfelt care and tell me that I have so much potential and that there is hope. And then reassured me one more time it was so right that I came back to face this.
So that's where we stand today. The reality sinking in. My eyes have stayed moist. Pastor Varrengia told me today that as reality sinks in it will feel more emotional but that as that happens, I will get to a place where I can cope with my new reality and move forward from that place. "Chin up" right? I am not sure why there was some silly part of me that wanted Dr. Stone to say, you're being dramatic and irresponsible and you need to shape up and stop being lazy and work harder; There's nothing wrong with you. For some reason, there's something really wrong with you felt a bit harder to swallow. And to have a professional validate that they can see why things feel horrible... was both comforting and equally so painfully difficult.
So that's where we are. Next appointment Tuesday. I'll keep you updated. Here's the moral of the story. If you have a child or a teenager - OR ADULT - GO GET THEM TESTED. It's not worth it to wait. SOONER IS BETTER. If you are not sure go to the American Psychological Association Website here is their page on ADHD. This sight was also really helpful. Of course, all people have some issues paying attention or getting distracted, but look at life cues... Emotional over-reaction, financial issues, increasing inability to stay "on top" of things. Let's work to take the stigma out of these kinds of discorders and help the people in our lives get the help that they need as quickly as possible.
Thanks for reading along.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Retraction
My Uncle brought to my attention that unless I am a dreadlocked limo driver I did not, in fact, leave my Aunt and Uncle at the airport but instead, at the Hilton Back Bay. That's what I get for late night blogging.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
I've Loved You So Long
I just made my bed with sheets that my Aunt brought from home. I cried making my bed... It was such a familiar comfortable smell, like when I've been gone a long time and I walk into my room and she's turned the light on and made everything ready for me and I crawl in and I am home, and absolutely safe. I want to sink into this smell and stay here forever.
When they were here this weekend we talked about the future. We talked with Jess about how she want to help her students, many of whom have criminal records or are struggling terribly to make ends meet, but she doesn't know where to start... They need affordable housing, child care, affordable transportation... I thought about the man that we saw getting arrested in front of Target last week and how everyone was staring and the cops were joking and I remembered being having my body searched and being hosed down the first time I got arrested - the humiliation, the sense of hopelessness and the realization that for the rest of my life, that would be on my record. I hurt for that man outside of Target, because unlike me, he has even more going against him, if not simply for the fact that Ken and Marla are not on his side. I remember when the Sheriff came to my office and told my boss that there was a warrant for about a cabillion bad checks and that they would need to be paid or he would need to take me in, and my boss worked with and for me... and for the next two years I worked ten extra hours a week to pay her back. Normal people don't get second chances, much less the second, third and fourth chances that I have gotten - and still somehow I can feel like things are stacked against me, or even that I do a great job ruining a free gift. When the bible talks about working out our faith with fear and trembling I think often that it has nothing to do with my confidence in Him, but more in my ability to accept and LIVE fully in the free gift of sanctification I say I believe in.
I've been thinking a lot about redemption lately. A lot. Because I am in desperate need of some lately. But also because in my moments of weakness I am thinking a lot about how much of a support network I have, how much grace I have been given, what a soft spot I have found to land, the safety and unconditional love I have found in my family. That "we're here for you" was one of the last things whispered in my ear before I left them at the airport last night... They know me, and they love me, like they REALLY know me, and they love me. I wish that every single person that find themselves in a mess like I am finding myself in could find such safety and support. Not to mention the church body I have surrounding me, the network of decades long friends... My cup more than overflows.
So in the midst of such a trial. In the midst of clawing myself out of this hole. In the midst of trying to figure out what's going on with my head. In the midst of trying to understand how much of what's falling apart is me, circumstance, Providence, or bad decisions I am thinking about how much my heart breaks for the abandon and the lonely who are facing far worse or much darker crisis. How can I help them. Seriously.
I watched this movie tonight, I've Loved You So Long. It's french. The main character has just been released from prison - she served 15 years for murdering her son. She goes to stay with her sister and it is the unfolding of that story. I was shocked by how much I related with the main character. Her process of getting a job, re-entering society... When we are living with a sense of shame, it feels so relateable. The difference is I have my family, faith, my community, counselors, testing, and HOPE. Most people don't.
How can we help them? Seriously. I am dreaming of how we can do this. Abused people, criminals, the poor, the needy, the down and out, the homeless... People who ache to be educated but have to work and can't afford school. Single mothers of non-school age children who can't afford day care, don't have family and want to work and not live on welfare. Widows. Older orphans. How do we help? Practically?
Redemption. I want to be a person who is passionate about Redemption and believing in redemption. I am going to have to work on it. My lazy nature can get the best of me. And how do I start to help. Like in a realistic way? I want to. I want to help people, I just need to figure out how.
When they were here this weekend we talked about the future. We talked with Jess about how she want to help her students, many of whom have criminal records or are struggling terribly to make ends meet, but she doesn't know where to start... They need affordable housing, child care, affordable transportation... I thought about the man that we saw getting arrested in front of Target last week and how everyone was staring and the cops were joking and I remembered being having my body searched and being hosed down the first time I got arrested - the humiliation, the sense of hopelessness and the realization that for the rest of my life, that would be on my record. I hurt for that man outside of Target, because unlike me, he has even more going against him, if not simply for the fact that Ken and Marla are not on his side. I remember when the Sheriff came to my office and told my boss that there was a warrant for about a cabillion bad checks and that they would need to be paid or he would need to take me in, and my boss worked with and for me... and for the next two years I worked ten extra hours a week to pay her back. Normal people don't get second chances, much less the second, third and fourth chances that I have gotten - and still somehow I can feel like things are stacked against me, or even that I do a great job ruining a free gift. When the bible talks about working out our faith with fear and trembling I think often that it has nothing to do with my confidence in Him, but more in my ability to accept and LIVE fully in the free gift of sanctification I say I believe in.
I've been thinking a lot about redemption lately. A lot. Because I am in desperate need of some lately. But also because in my moments of weakness I am thinking a lot about how much of a support network I have, how much grace I have been given, what a soft spot I have found to land, the safety and unconditional love I have found in my family. That "we're here for you" was one of the last things whispered in my ear before I left them at the airport last night... They know me, and they love me, like they REALLY know me, and they love me. I wish that every single person that find themselves in a mess like I am finding myself in could find such safety and support. Not to mention the church body I have surrounding me, the network of decades long friends... My cup more than overflows.
So in the midst of such a trial. In the midst of clawing myself out of this hole. In the midst of trying to figure out what's going on with my head. In the midst of trying to understand how much of what's falling apart is me, circumstance, Providence, or bad decisions I am thinking about how much my heart breaks for the abandon and the lonely who are facing far worse or much darker crisis. How can I help them. Seriously.
I watched this movie tonight, I've Loved You So Long. It's french. The main character has just been released from prison - she served 15 years for murdering her son. She goes to stay with her sister and it is the unfolding of that story. I was shocked by how much I related with the main character. Her process of getting a job, re-entering society... When we are living with a sense of shame, it feels so relateable. The difference is I have my family, faith, my community, counselors, testing, and HOPE. Most people don't.
How can we help them? Seriously. I am dreaming of how we can do this. Abused people, criminals, the poor, the needy, the down and out, the homeless... People who ache to be educated but have to work and can't afford school. Single mothers of non-school age children who can't afford day care, don't have family and want to work and not live on welfare. Widows. Older orphans. How do we help? Practically?
Redemption. I want to be a person who is passionate about Redemption and believing in redemption. I am going to have to work on it. My lazy nature can get the best of me. And how do I start to help. Like in a realistic way? I want to. I want to help people, I just need to figure out how.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Thankfulness
In the midst of a difficult time of life full of uncertainty and change, two of my favorite constants swept into town to deliver love, hugs, lectures and pep-talks. I am crying just typing it. As usual we laughed until we cried, we cried, we sat in happy silence, we teased, we hugged and just generally enjoyed togetherness. It was everything that I needed. I wish they were still here.
Here are some pictures of our time. Enjoy.
Here are some pictures of our time. Enjoy.
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Fall Peaches
Who knew? There is a peach tree outside our door and as the days turn colder, the peaches are turning from green to ripe. I always thought those things happened in the Spring. That fruit trees blossomed and bloomed in the height of Spring.
It's interesting to me because I am feeling green lately. Unripe. Hard. Slightly bitter. Not pleasant to taste.
I know it's stress, change, uncertainty... But I hold this deep value that I do not want to be ruled by my circumstances. I want to be led by something stronger. I have to say that I am not excellent at living my values lately. I am excellent at making it, but beyond that I am just tired.
It's interesting. I can't seem to motivate myself to run, but I know I need to. I am 400 emails behind. I am not really taking pictures or writing because I am so tired... But the truth is, all of those things bring me exactly what I need. Running invigorates me, pictures and writing purge me, and people encourage me. I can't quite figure out what my deal is. One day at a time right?
OK - so in practical news. I am thinking about subbing at Park Street. Really. How hysterical is that? One of my counselors is there and a friend from church said she thought I should look into it, so I am going to. Why not? Poor young minds of America.
The street bed is gone. My friend Sarah is headed to Thailand so she lent me her bed, bookshelf and chair for as long as I need it. THANK YOU SARAH. My room still looks like a tribute to minimalism, but at this point, my life is indefinitely rooted here, so it's appropriate. It's also VERY easy to keep clean.
My goal for the day is to get the weekly schedule totally in place... and also to take a nap. I am worn out from not running.
It's interesting to me because I am feeling green lately. Unripe. Hard. Slightly bitter. Not pleasant to taste.
I know it's stress, change, uncertainty... But I hold this deep value that I do not want to be ruled by my circumstances. I want to be led by something stronger. I have to say that I am not excellent at living my values lately. I am excellent at making it, but beyond that I am just tired.
It's interesting. I can't seem to motivate myself to run, but I know I need to. I am 400 emails behind. I am not really taking pictures or writing because I am so tired... But the truth is, all of those things bring me exactly what I need. Running invigorates me, pictures and writing purge me, and people encourage me. I can't quite figure out what my deal is. One day at a time right?
OK - so in practical news. I am thinking about subbing at Park Street. Really. How hysterical is that? One of my counselors is there and a friend from church said she thought I should look into it, so I am going to. Why not? Poor young minds of America.
The street bed is gone. My friend Sarah is headed to Thailand so she lent me her bed, bookshelf and chair for as long as I need it. THANK YOU SARAH. My room still looks like a tribute to minimalism, but at this point, my life is indefinitely rooted here, so it's appropriate. It's also VERY easy to keep clean.
My goal for the day is to get the weekly schedule totally in place... and also to take a nap. I am worn out from not running.
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